Growing Up

 Life only gives a one-way ticket to our final destination!

I've been wanting to write about this, but well umm yeah, you know me, it's very hard for me to write and blog at my ease so anyway here I am. Today I've been gathering my thoughts about the two words above - Growing Up. I suppose it's two words everyone is kind of afraid of? And we're all quite in denial about these two words. But, we have to accept them.

I'm 21 now and I suppose, I'm in this phase of "growing up". I'm not a young kid anymore but neither am I an old guy (though ironically I always tell myself that being 21 is old). And like what I blogged about last time the twenties is a very interesting time of your life. Interestingly beautiful and difficult too, because that's when life reveals itself more to you.

Do you remember when you were young, when your parents/teacher/other adults told you not to do something? And when you asked "why?" to them they will either give an answer you don't understand or they will just simply say "because I told you so" or "because it's meant to be cannot". And being young we just do as what we were told to.

And we grow up, physically and mentally, and our minds expand like the universe. We learn (to our dismay perhaps) that what we were told to when we were young didn't make sense. Or we discover the truths ourselves and so on and forth. As we begin to embrace our mind and knowledge, we slowly separate the truths and myths.

We begin to separate our rights, and our wrongs based on our judgements and feels.

Humans, we're never perfect. Like what the old saying says "One man's meat is another man's poison", what's right for us may not be right for others. What's wrong for us, may be right for others. Now that our minds are being expanded, our heart comes in the way with emotions. You'll begin to think if what's "right" is right for others, because it may hurt them and so on. You'll begin to fear that your right will be deemed wrong by others.

My dad always asks me a question, "Do all nice, are right things? Or do all right things are nice things?" and I always ponder. Doing something nice may not be a right thing to do but doing something right, will always be a nice thing to do (although it may be hard to swallow).

This is just one of the many examples of course.

But I suppose today I come to a conclusion that well, another thing that tells you when you're growing up, is when you begin to get confused on differentiating between the right and wrong. Because you're affected by many things when you come into this two-forked road. Your mind, which is shaped by the things around you and your heart, which is you own compassion and emotions. Separating right and wrong seems harder and harder as you grow up.

Of course not everyone finds it difficult. Those with a strong personality can easily differentiated those two because they're really strong minded. And neither am I saying everyone else is a softie because you couldn't  differentiate. I suppose it takes time too. Experience will help you through this. As you grow older you'll find it easier to follow your heart, with your mind helping you to make a decision, or to even carve out your own road.

I suppose, is this how growing up feels like?

When you get confused by so many things and everything seems so overwhelming to you. When you feel that the past was so much better than the present, and you wish you will forever be a kid. Growing up feels overwhelming but remember that it's a process everyone has to go through to get to our final destination. So just enjoy it. Life only gives a one-way ticket to our final destination so make sure you enjoy this journey for good.

Well, I suppose you know you're growing up when you begin to get the answers to why Peter Pan doesn't want to grow up. It's a complicated story.

Happy Tuesday! :)

Lost track

It's already the eleventh of the eleventh month of the year and... I truly have lost track of time. It feels like it was yesterday when October started. Last week I thought to myself that it was still October. Well obviously it's not haha. Well I suppose things are getting busier for me so that's probably why I lost track of time. But anyho it's good I think?

Currently feeling really sleepy right now. So I'll end of here. But anyho here's a poem I wrote last night. It's been long since I wrote one so here goes.

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I sit, I sit and I sit

Sometimes I sit and stared at emptiness
I wonder to myself what am I doing here
Listening to my yearnings that no one can hear
To travel the world and see its greatness
To explore and go to places I’ve never been
And so, what am I doing here?

I sit, I sit and I sit
And looked at my own two feet
I wonder to myself why am I sitting down
Why am I not out there, out of town
Chasing my dreams, grasping them with my hands
Fighting for what I believe in, on faraway lands

I looked at the sky, up above the trees
Puffy clouds and leaves swaying in the breeze
Birds chirping, flying up high above me
Leaving their nests, go wherever they wanna be
And they seem to sing an endless happy melody
While I stand quiet and listen to a soulful remedy

I sit, I sit and I sit
And wonder to myself, why am I sitting down.
Shouldn’t I be out there, chasing my dreams
Shouldn’t I be out there, no matter how hard it seems
Doing the things that I love, passion as my fuel
Here I am, troubled and entangled by a constant duel

I sit, I sit and I sit
I couldn’t find the answer to these questions
But stirred in a river of a thousand motions
Why am I here, why am I not there.
No one knows why, and I don’t dare,
to know the answer to the question

Those nights

 Time

I was just listening to Golden Lotus by Asiabeat from the Buddha Bar III album. The song reminds me a lot of nights in Singapore. Because well, it's kind of a silly reason but anyway, I miss those nights in Singapore where I would turn my TV to Vasantham Central just to listen to their off-air songs from 12 AM/1AM onwards. And sleep.

Although eventually I found out that the songs are from Buddha Bar III album and I bought the album via Amazon too cause it was rare. Even though I already had the songs back then and could listen to it via my iPod, I still preferred to listen tot hem via Vasantham central. Silly reason, but I just love doing that. The feeling of knowing that the night is no longer young and the silence and calmness of the night begins to creep in with the songs.

Same goes for Channel Newasia off-air music too. Which sadly till now I can't find the songs used by them, which are really really nice! I even recorded my favourite.

It now seems and feels really silly to know that back then I would literally switch on the TV just to listen to these songs. But I really miss those nights more than ever now. Back in those days where I can actually just chill and wind down at night by listening to these songs, although I was, or wasn't dreading tomorrow. It's pretty much liberating and calming.

Life is pretty much different now. The comfort of the past is always welcoming to me.

Anyway, November is here now, we're left with like 58 more days to the year and time seems to fly faster and faster. I suppose it feels right to feel that time seems to fly faster as we grow older? Maybe because as we grow older we begin to appreciate and to feel the presence of time, unlike when we were young when time seems to be non-existing.

2013 has so far been an ever-changing journey for me and I'm not sure how to feel about that. I suppose like what Hercalitus said, that change is the only constant in life. And I feel that when you go against it things will go pretty much difficult for you. So I choose to go with it and flow with it, although at times I feel that it is quite difficult to do so too.

I've always spent the last two months of the year reminiscing and reflecting about the year, how has it been for me and etc. December would be the highlight of this reminisent. And well it's always good to look back, and also to begin looking forward to the new year ahead. In fact I already set some new year resolutions for the upcoming 2014!

Ah well, I suppose tonight is just those nights where I miss the past.

Have a great Sunday everybody.

Alone

Hello. Whew today seems like a very very busy day, although actually nothing much happened. I just felt like I was rushed through time towards the end, and that I had so little time but well actually I do have time. Somehow everything seems really fast and yeah, rushed and so on. Felt really busy somehow! But well I'm glad it's over. And that the weekend is here!

Talking about fast, today marks the 5th month since I'm back here. Can't believe it's been a good five months! I thought graduation was a month ago or something. But well I suppose I've been pretty pre-occupied with (new) things that time seems to flow at an unnoticeable rate which makes me forget about time. And oh gosh it's 6 more days to November.

The past few days I've been missing my life in Singapore. My friends, the things I used to do, the people, and the places. And it seems rather enriching too to know that I've lived my life there and so on. Sense of pride, happiness and sadness all mixed up whenever I'm reminiscing about my life on that sunny island. But I suppose it's all for a good note.

Of course life here, and there are two very different conditions. In many different ways. But I suppose, there's a major difference that I had noticed about my life here. In fact for the past 5 months I feel that there's something missing, something different in life. I've been searching and searching for that missing piece but I can't seem to find it. And today, I did.

It's the time spent being alone. 

I recently came across a thoughtcatalog post on "How to handle a quarter life crisis at 22" [link can be found here] and also a few other blog posts regarding the same issue (about living your twenties) and they have a common point about taking time for yourself. Setting time for a me-time, for yourself to do things that make you happy.

And I truly agree with it. It's been a habit for me now, ever since I went for LEAP Foundation camp which I learnt to take some time off for yourself, to take some time everyday to do things I love, if possible alone. Be it watching Youtube videos, or simply listening to good music on my headphone (even before I sleep!) and so on and forth.

I spent most of 2012, or more like my last academic year in Singapore, alone. Of course I have my friends, I mean... I stayed in Singapore without the company of my sister. So I tried to find ways to make me happy and do things I enjoy alone. Or most of the time, I have to be independent, for I'm living alone. So I did grocery shopping alone, have food outside alone. I mean I wouldn't want to starve myself just because I couldn't find a partner to eat with right. So I suppose, I'm so used to being alone and do things all by myself.

When I was young (I mean like 4-5 years ago) I always view being lonely as... Something bad. I'm even guilty myself for finding lonely people weird and anti-social. But I suppose last year I found the benefits of doing things alone, and taking some time off to yourself. I'm not saying we should all be alone, don't go to an extent where you want NOBODY in life to accompany you and stuff. Like you want to be alone and you hate everyone else hahaha.

But if it makes you happy, go ahead :)

Anyway, so yeah, I must say I enjoy being alone (too much) that I found it such a huge drastic change when I come back. I am meeting people everyday, learning new things, and so on and forth. In a day, I don't really have time for myself. The only time I have for myself is that 2 hours before sleep where I'll be on my laptop surfing the net, and watching Youtube videos or reading articles on the net, and of course blogging and lately, I've been tumblr-ing too.

So a few people here asked me why I sleep so late everyday (PS: My day start 5 hours later than you all, and ends 5 hours later too), and my answer is that because I want, and I try to set myself some time off everyday for myself. And it doesn't really affect my sleep because well I think I can cope with it so yeah. It's not that I purposely use my sleeping time for my me-time. Although sure, I can choose to trade my me-time for sleeping time but nahh.

Even right now there's no such things as a "holiday" weekend for me. There are always things to do and so on. Maybe this is the real working life that we're all entering? The life so different from school life? I don't know. Unlike my life in Singapore where I can go anywhere I want, alone, and enjoy myself there. To Starbucks, Labrador Park, walking around Clementi, go for a long run and so on. Feels like I "own" my time here and there.

Now it seems like I can't control my time here because it is kind of unpredictable. And there are a lot of restrictions that I have to do the things I want to do. I suppose the culture here is different so people will think of a shock when I tell them that I want to be alone. Imagine if I tell my mum that I want to go to a nearby cafe alone. My mum surely would ask me "Why alone?" and she would ask my sister to go with me, or anyone else. Although to be honest mum, I'm really fine to be alone :)

I can't go to places alone here because it is kinda unsafe here (or maybe it's not). And again, I would get the questions from my parents to why I want to go there alone. That's why I want to learn driving ASAP so that I can drive and go to places alone. Have a nice cup of tea at that cafe to chill, or just drive around my hometown listening to music and so on.

Or maaaybe.

I need to change this mindset of mine that doing things alone is fine and so on and forth.

Well I don't know, but I think the issue really lies with me not having to balance and cope well with the life I have here. Currently I'm still learning so perhaps, life isn't at my fullest control now. Although I know when I grow up that I will keep this habit of mine alive, that I will set some time to be alone and do things that I love. If you haven't tried, maybe you should. It's an amazing experience and habit you can keep for life, and good for the soul too.

Although I know some people really can't stand to be alone.
And I think it's fine if you can't be alone.

Anyho, it's the weekend again. I'll be joining my sis to Jakarta till Sunday! Hoping for a nice trip away from my hometown to the big city. Man, I really need a getaway to somewhere far. And I kinda miss the beach you know, or simply to go somewhere far.

But well, to end this post, here's a line from MGMT's song "Time to Pretend"

I miss the boredom and the freedom and the time spent alone.

Autumn

 I miss the colours of autumn

Currently listening to Nigel Tay's song "Song of Spring" (Thanks Jinnyboy TV for introducing this awesome song!) and it reminds me a lot of graduation which was like, 5 months ago. Still remember listening to this song on the way to SP for the ceremony and although it was a cloudy day, everything seems beautiful to me. Whew, it's 5 months huh.

Anyway it's mid-October already! Can you believe it. Life's been awesome I guess. Rather busy with work because we're getting more customers for the flowers and so yeah. Very interesting. When you work with living things you need patience because well, you can't make them as and when you want to be, you can't set a date to when they wanna be manufactured, and you can't stock them when you over-produce. They are not dead things.

But I suppose, they taught me a lesson that everyone in this world is unique. Right?

And as for the title above, it's not autumn... Well it is, in other parts of the world. It's October so well temperate countries are experiencing autumn I suppose. And I love autumn. I think it is my favourite season. Well I have experienced the four seasons like in other countries, each season for a country so it's kind of a biased judgement heh.

But I love autumn. I experienced autumn in China, Inner Mongolia to be exact. The weather is more on the cooler side but at the same time the colour of autumn makes everything seems warm. I've also experienced it in Beijing but it was more of late-autumn so it was really cold that it felt more like winter to me. Love the colours of autumn!

Autumn reminds me that we're 3/4 on our way to the year already. So we're left with 1/4 of the year more. Well actually it's like we're left with 1/6 of the year heh. But anyway yeah, 2013 is ending. And I don't know why but I really can't wait for this year to end? Although logically and technically speaking, I have no reason why I want it to end. Like it doesn't do anything to me except for bringing 2014 to me. Right?

I suppose I'm excited to see what lies ahead of me. 2013 has been a year of big change to me where I close a big chapter of mine and start writing a new one. So what will I do in 2014? How will I do? I don't know and no one knows. Although I have a big plan coming up in August next year. Hopefully it will come true. No. It will come true because I'm going to make it happen! :) It's for me to know and for you to find out nyehehe.

I've always loved the end of a year because I have the chance (although you can practically do it anytime actually) to look back to see what I've achieved in this year and so on. And from this I can carry myself to the year ahead and set goals and dreams about the coming year. Life goes on and we want to try and write a great story. To write a great story we have to close chapters we have already written and think of what to write next, beautifully.

It's kind of sad that these days I've lost track of time. To an extent that I don't know what day it is, or what date. I just realised today is the 20th of October when I thought the month has just started a week ago or something. Time seems to fly faster at the end of the year. Or is it just me haha. Time seems to fly when you grow older too. Meh.

But well as I've always remind myself, time flows at a constant rate. No one in this world has the ability to make time fly faster or slower, but yourself, by the things you do, to make it seem to flow faster or slower. Right?

Alright I'm going to stop here for now. Happy autumn everyone!

Comfort in reminiscence

 

We're all seeds in the maker's hands

Youtube is being a bitch tonight, no idea why but I can't stream videos there (works fine for videos on Facebook though) so I decided to... Scroll down my blog and read all the posts back till December 2011. Wow, that was almost 2 years ago. Well I come to a conclusion that I'm really glad that I enjoyed blogging. Although yes I have not been blogging as often as I used to back a year or two ago. But I still enjoy blogging alright! So don't worry.

We're coming to the middle of October already and well, time flies! So I decided to read my blog starting form October last year to see what was I doing back 365 days ago. I was in ITP, and stuff. Reading my blog too, I realise that well in life you really don't know what's gonna come on your way and what will happen to you. What great things will happen to you and what no-so-great things will you come across with. Life's one great journey.

I've been missing the past for quite a few days. When I mean the past, that would be my life in Singapore as a student. But well I suppose it's just one of those days where your mind plays around with you and time. Ever since I got back home, things have been pretty different of course, from the life that I once had just a year ago. But time is time.

Tomorrow SP students will return back to school from their first semestral break. And well, of course I can safely say and ask them "School? What's that?!" Hahaha. But at the same time I realised that there's also no such thing as "holiday" for me. Or I must say for everyone else who has started working. Unless it's a leave or public holiday.

I think school is and will be the greatest time of your life. The times you hate but will miss when you grow up. So to all my friends who can't wait to work, don't fall into the trap. Enjoy school to the fullest now! Haha. Because trust me after you start working you'll miss school a lot.

I've failed quite badly in trying to finish the things I've been wanting to do. I have a couple of items on my to-do list yet none of them is done. Maybe I should start writing notes for myself.

Anyho, as I was reading my past blog posts again, I come across those blog challenges which I did a year ago. And I was thinking maybe that will be a great thing to do again, so as to revive my blog. I'll search for some blog challenge again and start reviving my blog! :)

Okay I think that's all for now. Feeling rather sleepy so night night! It's gonna be an awesome week ahead with Hari Raya Haji tomorrow weeeeee. To all my SP friends wishing you a great semester/term ahead! And for the rest, have fun at work!

Stars

Today there was an electricity shutdown in my hometown, and it was quite long too. Electricity shutdowns (or mati lampu, we call it here) are quite common. There might be some maintenance going on, or some boycotts done by some people and so on. And usually I don't bother much. I'll stay at home and do nothing to wait for the electricity to get back to life.

But tonight was different. The sky was clear and stars flooded the darkness. It was a pretty sight, because we're in total darkness and so the sky shows its true potential to us and it is really really pretty. So I decided to go up my room with my camera and tripod and start shooting some stars above. My sis accompanied me for a while then she went off to bathe.

So I was alone from then on. And it feels really nice. To sit under the star-lit sky with music playing from your phone. The wind blowing, and you see a couple of shooting stars (and you should know what I do next) and yup, it was just so surreal that everything in front of me is so beautiful and real. I mean how could it be fake haha.

After shooting for a while, the electricity is back to life and the lights turn on like a big bang.

And some of the stars began to disappear.

From this experience, I learned quite a valuable lesson in life.

When it was dark, the stars are there to accompany you. But when lights are on, they begin to disappear,. But you know they're always there. I suppose life's like that too. When things seem fine, we tend to neglect what's always there, who's always there. It is only when things go dark that we realise what we truly have in this world, who we truly have.

When we have things we want (lights), we tend to forget what's always there for us (the stars). When we don't have what we want, we realise the stars are there accompanying us, and they make us happy with their beauty and so on.

And I suppose stars are like hopes too. When things are dark, they will always be there to guide you. There's always a hope in every darkest situation you're in.

Tonight was such a beautiful night.