Eternity

A week ago, my aunt passed away. And I was there together with my aunt, uncle, sister and brother witnessing her taking her last breath. It was quite a traumatising experience for me, but at the same time I felt a bit of relief because she's finally free from pain and suffering. And she left this world without experiencing pain, because she has lost consciousness prior to this.

So on last Sunday, just as I was about to fall asleep at 7:15 AM-ish, I was woken up by my maid, who told me that my aunt had lost consciousness and was just "snoring". This is a term we used here when people lost consciousness. I came to check her condition and was pretty shocked to see her condition. She was having high fever, and her heart rate was beating really fast. Checked her blood pressure and it was normal. But the fever and super fast heart rate was worrying me a lot.

We called for an ambulance and brought her to the emergency room. Doctor did a CT scan and X-ray on her because we thought her throat was filled with mucus. We suspected an infection (the fever) and thought it was in her lungs. X-ray turned out clean, and we even tried to suck her mucus out but there was no mucus. The CT scan came out bad, because there was bleeding throughout her brain.

Her blood test came out normal with no high cholesterol/triglyceride level. She didn't have any fall prior to this either. She was put inside the ICU for more monitoring, it was 9:30 AM then. While in the ICU, the doctor (who's also my dad's friend) called me up to deliver a bad news. The bleeding in her brain was pretty severe and she had a slim chance to go back to normal. We had another option and it was surgery, but it was also too late because the damage is quite bad.

The doctor eventually told us that she might be suffering from aneurysm. Or that she might have an abnormality of the blood vessel in her brain that caused it to rupture and bleed out.

At 10 AM the doctor and nurses at the ICU called us out to tell us that the condition wasn't doing well. Her consciousness level was also at 3 (out of 15). And the doctor told us that at this level, it is rather impossible for the person to make it out alive. This is when my heart sank. And what's worst is I am the person-in-contact between the doctor and my father. It feels tough to be a bringer of bad news.

11 AM, her blood pressure went haywire. It was at 170/120. Doctor and nurse called us in again to just pray for the best, and we waited again. 12 PM - her blood pressure started to decrease at 70/40, together along with her heart rate. Her breathing slowed down significantly as well. We were all just preparing for the worst, and it was so much more tougher than I thought it's going to be.

1 PM - doctor and nurses called us in for one last time. They offered us if we want to resuscitate and  put her on life support, if she were to reach terminal state. I consulted the doctor but he said it's not going to help, because the bleeding has reached her brain stem. We also noticed that she started to bleed internally from the feeding tube. The capillaries on her legs became more visible too.

I called my dad and the rest of my aunts (who were on their way to the hospital) to ask about their decision. We decided not to resuscitate her and to also not put her on life support. With a heavy heart, we said no to the doctor. 1:30 PM, her breathing rate, blood pressure and heart rate went down really really low. We all started crying at this point but there's nothing we could do really. Doctor and nurse asked us to say our last words to her while we still can, and while she's still here.

1:45 PM, we witnessed her taking in her last breath, and breathing it out. Her chest slowed down its movement and eventually came to a stop. Her heart rate monitor jumbled up, and eventually went to a flat line. My dad, aunts and uncle lost their eldest sister. We lost an aunt then.

It was definitely one of the most heart-breaking moments of my life.

My aunts came, followed by my cousins. We brought her body home to prepare for the funeral. She was buried yesterday near my grandparents. The last 6 days have been nothing else but an emotional roller coaster for me. It was my first time, experiencing first-hand, losing someone who is part of my daily life. Someone I meet almost every day. It was heart wrenching.

What saddens me the most is the fact that we lost her in such a short time. Just on Saturday evening, I was still talking to her and she was doing alright. My dad was still talking to her. My aunt came for a visit on Thursday and she was still doing normal. And in 6 hours, we lost her forever.

As I witnessed her taking her last breath on Sunday, it felt like the 66 years of her life has culminated into that gush of air her lungs pushed for the very last time. At that moment, a lifetime suddenly felt very short, and yet that moment felt like an eternity for me.

My aunt had quite an arduous life. She suffered from meningitis when she was 3, and because of this she was left mentally disabled. So can you just imagine being an 8 year old trapped in a 66 year old body? Your body grows old with time but your brain doesn't. That's what my aunt and other special people on this planet have to go through. And from the deepest floor of my heart, I wish no one else would have to experience this anymore.

Whenever I talked to my aunt, I can see this person just wishing to be liberated away. 

And now she is free I guess.

Rest in Peace, Oucun.

Missed - Part II

Continuing from my previous post, which kinda happened co-incidentally today. I found out that Oh Wonder is coming to Indonesia today, to perform at Lalala fest in Bandung. Which is near my hometown and I was kind of planning to go. However I'll be off to Jakarta on Monday to send my brother-in-law's mum off as she's going back. So I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to go today.

So I didn't. Do I feel regret? Kind of. Oh Wonder is a band that I've been wanting to catch live. I almost flew to Singapore to see them last year! But well as the day came to an end today, I understood why I didn't, and what I shouldn't. Well put it in short, things happened and I have to be here. Once again I'm reminded of a quote by Robin Esrock: where you are is where you're supposed to be.

Well again and again, I'm a firm believer that things happened for a reason.

I tend to remind myself that if things don't go to plan, there must be a reason why it doesn't. Like it just doesn't happen "that way". One fine day you will learn about things. About life, how everything intertwines and how everything is linked from one thing to another. To paint a beautiful picture.

Just a random, short post. Been a pleasant Saturday night so far, chilling and blogging with my new essential oil burner. I'm currently obsessed with the smell of sandalwood! I'll see you soon.

Missed

Today is the 22nd of the first lunar month, and at the temple of my hometown, we celebrate ji-it meh (22nd). Usually it's the 15th (cap go meh) but the tradition dates back to the days where lion dance troupes would tour around the surrounding towns, so that they can perform for cap go meh. My hometown got the 22nd, thus the name, and the date that it is being celebrated on.

Sadly this year I didn't go for it. Work caught up on me and there's things going on that we need to settle. I feel kinda sad? I've been meaning to go since last week but well, I couldn't. Like I once said I always feel annoyed when things don't go to plan. But then I am reminded how everything in life is insubstantial. So there's no point being annoyed I guess. Things happened.

Sometimes I feel sad how I have given a lot of things a miss just because of work. Or just because some things cropped out in the middle and my whole plan has been ruined. I kinda realised that this is just life as an adult. As you grow older life becomes more unpredictable? Also maybe because you have more things to do. So your days go by unpredictably. Parts and parcel of life I guess.

Also to be honest I don't know if I should feel sad. I've gotten used to this cropped up situations that when it happened, I just take things naturally. I guess this is the biggest teaching of Buddhism's Anatta. That nothing has a self on its own and everything is sort of interconnected.

Life.

Life In Two Sentences

Two days ago, I woke up to the news of someone's passing.

Last night I went to bed with the news of the arrival of a new human being.

I suppose this is one way we can sum life in two sentences. That... It just goes on I guess. At this age of 25, I have lost a few people. Some who are very dear to me. I've grown to accept death because... After all, we'll all have to die anyway. There's no way we can escape that yes.

It's just very funny somehow, how these two events happened in two consecutive days. There's a sense of solace and serendipity as I went to bed last night. The feeling how life just goes on, but at the same time I also feel how we'll all reach the end one day. It's a pretty weird feeling.

Yet at the same time we go to bed each night believing that we'll wake up tomorrow.

What if we don't?

Extension

It's the last day of February oh my goodness. Actually you know what, I never feel like February is a proper month. To me February is a month "that doesn't exist" heh. It feels more of like an extension of January! Hahaha. Not sure if it's the 28 days, or just me growing old and being more busy. But then again well, can't deny the fact that 59 days of the year is gone. Phew...

Anyway 2018 has been a pretty happening year so far. I would say it's indeed going to be an exciting year for us. At the same time I feel sad too because I realised I've been spending my rest time for work more often these days... Well despite the habit change, I still have to do some work I guess.

But thankfully it always happen during the end of the month. Not every time.

Well alright just a really short, random post to end off February. Time to March forward to better days!

Count To Five

Hello hello hello. It's the 2nd last day of February, gosh where did you go time! Been quite busy with work as usual since it's the end of the month. Hopefully I can wind down in the weekend. Alright time to get down to business! Didn't expect myself to discover some new music in February but I did.

Great Music of February:

- Fireworks by First Aid Kit

- Rebel Heart by First Aid Kit

- Ruins by First Aid Kit

- Waste by Rhye

- Count To Five by Rhye

- Softly by Rhye

- Get Out by Chvrches

- Don't Bring Me Down by PREP

- Ayahuasca by Vancouver Sleep Clinic

Song of the month: Don't Bring Me Down by PREP

Recevied my copy of First Aid Kit's Ruins and Rhye's Blood in this month finally! Both are amazing albums to start the year with really. Ruins is a pretty beautiful album in my opinion. The lyrics are amazing as usual from First Aid Kit. And as usual, Klara and Johanna's beautiful voice really sends the album into a whole beautiful package. Although however I prefer their previous album "Stay Gold", well simply because I can connect more personally to that album heh.

I was pretty excited about Rhye's Sophomore album because I really love his first album! Milosh is such a talented singer. And his voice totally compliments his music. I feel that Blood is an incredible album on all sides. The music, lyrics and the story behind the album as well. 

There's some singles being released. And they are releases I've been expecting this year! Let's start with the first one from Chvrches. I love how Chvrches used FB Messenger to tease us with new materials. Get Out is a pretty catchy song. I thought it was a pretty decent song at first but towards the middle things get pretty nice. Especially the lyrics though! It's so...... </3

And finally a song I've been waiting for almost a year, it's Don't Bring Me Down by PREP! I first listened to this song when I caught them at Kampoeng Jazz last year. I didn't know the title of the song. I know it's just "Don't bring me down song" haha. I fell in love with that song the first time I heard it. I've been repeating their live video of the song on YouTube! And now it's here :D 

Also I can't wait for their new EP in April wee!

Last but not least Vancouver Sleep Clinic released a surprise song on YouTube! I was quite shocked cause the song is 8 minutes long but man, it's such an intensely beautiful song. I am kinda hoping that it'll be broken into three songs? Cause the first segment is a beautiful melancholic song. But man VCS just did it again. I love their music, they give you a feeling you can't describe really.

Alright that's all for the great music of February! Here's to more discovery in March. See ya :)

Chamomile

Continuing from my previous post, about chamomile.

So as you know I'm sadly allergic to paracetamol/ibuprofen since 2012 ish hah. And ever since I discovered this sad trait of mine, I've been looking for alternatives to cure my fever. Usually when I have an inflamed throat, flu etc, I will easily pop some medicine and feel better. But most flu medicines contain paracetamol/ibuprofen and thus I can't take them. Well there's one flu medicine that I take but it's just nasal decongestant. It doesn't bring down the fever. So not that effective.

One of the alternatives that really work for me is garlic. I usually eat like 2-3 cloves of raw garlic three times a day when I have flu/sore throat. And it really works, I'll feel much better within a day or two. However garlic has a bad side effect of giving me a gassy stomach, or gastric itself. Also it makes my mouth/breath smell wonderful. There's one time when I ate garlic before dinner. Note that my stomach has been empty for 6 hours. And I got a horrible gastric that accompanied my bed time.

Recently I was reading up on a few articles about herbs that help infection. Garlic is one of them. Others include tumeric, ginger, fennel, thyme, rosemary. One ingredient caught my eye and it is chamomile! Well I'm not a huge fan of chamomile but I'm okay with it, since it's readily available and easily consumable as well. It's just in the form of tea and I can drink it easily, throughout the day.

So last month I had a really bad sore throat and I was also coughing badly. I had fever on the first day and so I decided to put chamomile to test. And it really worked! Well not quickly but okay here's how it went. On the day which I had fever, I drank lots of water, and also drank three cups of chamomile tea. After my second cup my fever actually went down a little. I drank it again before bed and the next day the fever was gone. But my annoying sore throat was still there.

So I continued drinking chamomile and in 2 days' time, the sore throat improved a lot actually. Well I was still having cough but it was just like those lingering and remaining cough. I continued drinking chamomile for the next week and the cough subsided eventually. No medicines, nothing!

Okay I'm not really sure whether it was just my body that fought the infection, or if chamomile does indeed have medicinal and anti-inflammatory properties. I do read that Native Americans used chamomile to heal wounds by applying crushed chamomile flowers on the wound. And they also brew the flowers to drink to aid in healing. So it does work I guess? Well I'm just happy that I have an alternative now. I'm eager to explore more alternatives, since I really rely on them! :P

I'm quite intrigued by tumeric because in traditional Indian medicine practices, tumeric is like an awesome herb that treats almost everything haha. There are articles on treatment of diabetes, anti-cancer properties and also anti inflammatory ones too. There's even a study in India where two groups of patients with flu were treated, one with tumeric only, and the other with normal flu medicines. 

And the ones treated with tumeric has a faster recovery.

The only "side effect" that I get from chamomile is... I feel more relaxed throughout the day. Well it is good, but sometimes I become so relaxed to an extent that I feel sleepy haha.

Alright that's all for this random post on chamomile! I hope you can give it a try too, if we can go back to nature to heal, I don't think it's a disadvantage at all. Hope you had a good week and here's to another fantastic week to end off February! :) Take care everyone.