Death and all his friends

When I was young, I was really really afraid of dying. Basically, everything that is related to death. I remember when I was in P5 there was this exercise where my teacher asked us to circle things we are afraid of (out of a list). And then asked us to rank it from top to bottom. Number one was death, and number two was getting trapped in the lift. It was pretty hilarious I must say.

But of course along the way, my perception of death changes.

I suppose my first encounter with death, of someone I know closely, would be the passing of my grandfather. Although I didn't have much memories with him because he had dementia, and we didn't encounter much communication, I always remember him sitting around at my grandma's house whenever I go there. So I felt sad knowing that he wouldn't be there anymore. And I remembered crying when I first went to the funeral parlour and hugged my grandmother. And I remembered seeing my mother cry the morning we were heading to the crematorium in Jakarta. As I've come to a realisation that he will be gone forever. And after he got cremated, all I felt was blatant emptiness.

The next encounter would be my late aunt. She passed away after losing her battle with cancer. As she stayed nearby my house, and that my sister/brother and I always accompanied her when she was having her chemotherapy session while in Singapore, I could say that she was someone quite dear to me. I couldn't come to her cremation as I was still in Singapore, and was having exams. I felt really sad and kinda regretted not skipping school just to go back, to be honest.

The next encounter would be my paternal grandmother. Who is someone I really really... Love and is very dearest to me. I grew up with her by my side (except when I'm in Singapore of course), I spent my mornings during school holiday talking to her, and well we were just really close I suppose. I remember that fateful morning in April 2006 when I received a letter from a staff in TSS saying that my sister is fetching me because I have to "attend a family member's funeral". I just got shocked, and I knew it was my grandmother. We quickly bought air tickets home and flew that evening.

My grandmother's passing was really sad for me. I remember crying when they were closing her coffin. When we had to put paper ingots in her coffin. And when she was about to leave her house for the last time (the wake was held in her house). It was definitely one of the saddest day of my life. After her funeral, I remember my cousins and I were sitting in her house being very quiet. It was as if emptiness blanketed over her house. It's almost 9 years since her passing, and I do miss her at times.

Perhaps the reason why I was afraid of death (and is still kind of afraid) when I was young is that firstly, I thought that not everyone will die, so... I don't want to die. And of course, we are all afraid of losing someone we love, someone we know dearly. But as I grow up I discovered that death is a destination we all are heading for. No one lives forever. And of course I learned through Buddhism that nothing is permanent. Not even our lives, or an ant's life, and so on. So I began to embrace death. Not saying I wish to die but to accept the fact that we are all going to die one day.

 I'll always remember a Tibetan saying about death (I think I mentioned it before here): like a foetus in a womb who cannot stay inside longer than it is supposed to be, we cannot stay on this life longer than we are supposed to be. We will all go one day, not sure when and not sure where. And yes, we all have a limit, or what Muslims call as "ajal". Not forgetting Sogyal Rinpoche's words that our body is just something we leave behind. These are the lessons that made me embrace death.

I don't take death as something necessarily negative, and sad. I see death as a reminder of impermanence - a reminder to live my life to the fullest, and to be compassionate always to others.

That being said, I am referring to death as when a person naturally dies from an illness or old age. Not when someone is killed or when someone died because of a death sentence. Because I don't really agree with death sentence, I'd rather go for life sentence. Or make that person do community work for the rest of his/her life. Because only the one above knows when we die, and I don't think we have any rights to take the life of others. No one should set the finish-line of someone else's life.

Ah well, it's a sad post, but something I've been wanting to write about. Of course, I wish that everyone would have a long and healthy life. And I hope everyone will be happy, and live their lives to the fullest.

Because no one else will live yours.

PS: Happy Valentine's day!