In 2018...

It's the last dawn of the year and as usual, here I am writing and reflecting about the year. To be honest, as I'm sitting down here on my chair, blogging, I don't really know how to describe 2018. I really can't put it into words. Because 2018 has officially become the weirdest year that I've went through. It is really weird. So yeah don't expect a lengthy reflection post for this year!

To put it simply, I felt a lot of different emotions, feelings and be visited with a lot of different thoughts that I've never felt before. It feels like I was caught in a whirlwind of many different emotions and thoughts that could feel overwhelming at time. If it's not for the 4 years of meditation that I've been doing, I think I'm not sure where I'll be now haha. So thankful for that.

I used to really befriend uncertainty. I used to just give in and let life take me wherever it wants to take me, trusting on the journey and the process that I am going through. Yet at the same time, I feel the opposite this year. I feel like I am thirsty for certainty. I wish I can know how will life unravel for me. I wish I can know what the future holds for me. And of course, all of these are impossible.

I no longer just give in, but I started to think more about myself. And it is hard, because when this happens, ego plays a part. You start to think if you deserve this love, or you're just being selfish.

But amidst all of these confusion, I did learn a huge lesson that the flowers have taught me.

"You can't stop a flower from blooming

as much as you can't stop life

from unraveling what it has in store for you.

So be brave, have faith and keep going

because you can't stop the flower from blooming"

This was what I told myself, after experiencing the flowers in the farm blooming much faster than they are supposed to bloom heh. Which brought me a bit of comfort, and remind me again to just be here in the moment, and stop being frightened by uncertainty, because it is the only certain thing in life!

I think I do understand that I am growing up. I am no longer that young kid, that poly graduate and so on. There is a life that I have to live, and I am going to live. And who doesn't love some certainty. Who doesn't love knowing the future. And who are able to do those? Nobody.

Well if I can sum up 2018 in 3 words, it would be: trust the process. And I think it will be one thing that will be in my mind for a long time now. A short and simple reminder that we just have to keep on going really. To keep on holding on, to just do what we can do in the amount of given time.

2018 has also made me question about a lot of things in life. The things I went through have definitely made me question about a lot of things. About money, about the purpose of life, about the meaning of life. And so on. They say life will get interesting and also tough at the same time when you begin to ask these kind of questions. So here's me wishing that I will find the fragments of answers to these really difficult questions that we will ask one day in our lives.

I also do feel like a failure this year because well personally there isn't much things that I have achieved. I broke my promise of traveling somewhere I've never been before every year. I didn't achieve many goals but I know I don't have many either heh. But like I said I don't want to punish myself for not achieving them. I hope I can continue to make the new year a better one.

On the other hand, I did change my habits and even form new ones too! I think they are quite life-changing for this year. For instance I changed my chanting time to the morning when I wake up. I managed to meditate longer this year (15-20 minutes now, compared to the previous 10). I also managed to find my joy in journaling again, and I'm going to try something new in the new year.

Also I feel like I've become more of a spiritual hippie this year. I read up a lot about spiritual stuff this year and I feel like I've made a click to them. Or more like... I've re-built some connections I've lost with these stuffs. Because I think I was more of a spiritual person in the 2014-ish era. But somehow I've changed and now I feel like I'm going back again. And it feels good.

You know if 2017 was a year that taught me not to lose hope, and how it is a year where life had shown me the way (and that there will always be a way), I feel like 2018 was a year of test given by life. Where it doesn't show my anything, but it is trying to teach me of patience, hope and just perseverance. 

And I surely do hope that whatever I learn and went through this year, will give me a better energy and better footing for 2019. And well I think I kinda do.

As usual, I'm not going to write any goals or resolutions for the new year. I'm just going to enter the new year and slowly by slowly, I'm going to add new goals and resolutions and share it with you. I did have some plans already, and I can't wait to make it into a fruition!

Well well, 2018, what a year it has been. The weirdest year I've been through and it is a year where I can't explain much, and can't put much words into it. But whatever the case is, I hope you 2018 has been treating you well. I hope 2018 has made you into a better person. Even if you feel that you have changed, even if you have went through shitty times in this year, I hope you come out of this year as a stronger, better and more mindful person. That whatever you went through, had made you stronger! Yup, that's all for this year I guess. Here's me wishing you an adventurous and beautiful 2019 ahead.

Before I bid farewell to this year, I hope you will always remember this:

Be brave, have faith and keep going.

Trust the process

Somehow, somewhere, someday,

everything will make sense.