In 2019...

Here we are again, on the dawn of the last day of the year. Just like the previous year... I don't know how to put 2019 into words. I don't even know how to describe it. Was it a weird year? Yes. Was it challenging? Yes. I thought it was a rather tough year. I felt confused and alone. I seem to crave certainty more and more. Even though last year I was teaching myself to not do so.

To begin with. I just felt like I become more and more afraid of life. I often wonder how things will work out even though no one knows the answer to this question. As life goes by I become more and more restless. I realise how futile having a hope is. Perhaps in an oxymoronic way, I have befriended uncertainty. I don't know what is coming and I'm just learning to take things day by day.

At the end of each year I often feel like a failure. Okay not a total failure. But I feel like I haven't achieved much as a human being. And that is all because I feel lost too. Like I once said I felt lost, I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what's my purpose and so on. It's annoying sometimes to think about it. I just feel like the world is putting lots of weight on me. Invisible weights perhaps?

And at the beginning of each year, I feel lost again. I feel like there is no point having grand plans and dreams and hopes and ideas. Because I feel like life is too uncertain and it is futile to have them. Things can change. And thus I've just been telling myself to take things day by day.

I have stopped writing resolutions and add them as the year goes by. And at the end of each year... I manage to accomplish most of them. Because I started off with little.

I understand that there are only two certain things in life: death and uncertainty itself. So when things change, when things don't go according to plans, I accepted them really.

Recently I just believe and told myself that life is a huge waiting game. It's just a tremendous game. Of how patiently, diligently and mindfully can we wait to see and witness how life will unfold and unravel itself to us. And see, feel and taste what it has in store with us. Then it's another game of how make use of these things that life has given us. And it just goes on and on. Till we die.

Some of us didn't make it to see the end game. Some of us decided to leave the game first. Some of us push on till the end, no matter how tough the journey is. We are all a customer of fate waiting in line. Thankfully though, we're free to do many things while we're queuing up. And not confined to a line where we can do nothing. We can do, feel and think many different things.

Last year I learned that we cannot stop the flower from blooming. This year I think is just a bug test of how I can patiently wait to see the flower blooming. The flower is blooming, though it hasn't bloomed. How long more can I wait. How long more can I go.Once again, no one knows the answer.

This whole pushing through and going through is taking a toll of my mental health. I know. It's tiring. But I just kept on telling myself to keep on going. I thought 2018 was hard but whew, 2019 was another level for my mental health. It's quite sad how I used to be an optimistic person. And I never expect myself to land on this position, this state right now. But folks here I am now.

But it is in this waiting game that I have learned something that is both difficult to learn, but liberating to accept. The idea that I am meant to be here. I am meant where I am meant to be. There are a few occurrences in this year that have taught me this great lesson. Again and again, life always tells me of this fact. That I'm here. And eventually I learn to go on. That life is leading me somewhere I'm meant to be eventually. A place that nobody but time and life only knows.

I have also learned something this year. It is to stop asking yourself questions that nobody knows the answer to. Until you have a full knowledge of what is going on, that's when you can start thinking of the answers. Once again, this is tough to practice. Because we are all craving for permanence.

As we bid farewell to 2019, we are also leaving a decade behind. Entering a new year, and a new decade. Well, it's been quite a decade isn't it? I feel like I go through a lot in the past decade that makes me learn a lot about myself. I went through a lot of things, tried a lot of things, experienced many things. Landing myself in places I never expected to land. I learned to befriend uncertainty. I have joyfully accepted impermanence, see the emptiness of things. Learned to walk in the dark and eventually dance with my own shadows. I have discovered different sides of me. Yet I feel I still have a lot to learn about myself. And there are still empty places for me to grow.

I think the Avicii's song Wake Me Up is a perfect song to sum up this decade. I've been searching for myself but I ended up being lost. But this journey has been quite an interesting one. Through being lost I kinda find myself. I kinda learn a lot about life. Though I land myself in the darkness, I also see the light. I learn to let go I learn to be strong. I may not know where life is taking me, and if I will ever find myself. But I learn to pick myself up little by little, on a journey of becoming whole.

It's been an interesting decade and I'm thankful for everything that I went through in these 10 years. They definitely have shaped me as the person I am now. I have learned many things. Am I dreading the new decade? Kind of. Am I still afraid of the future? Kind of. 

Am I excited to see what the next decade has in store for me (and us)? FUCK YES!

Alright that's all for 2019. Thank you for everything again, my dearest Clouds of Sunday. There'll be changes as we enter the new year but I will never leave you! I hope 2019 and this decade has been treating you well. I wish you a Tremendously Terrific Twenty Twenty! Let us all be patient, strong and as always, mindful as we watch the flower bloom. As life unfolds and unravels what it has in store for us.

Take care. And Happy New Year.

In 2018...

It's the last dawn of the year and as usual, here I am writing and reflecting about the year. To be honest, as I'm sitting down here on my chair, blogging, I don't really know how to describe 2018. I really can't put it into words. Because 2018 has officially become the weirdest year that I've went through. It is really weird. So yeah don't expect a lengthy reflection post for this year!

To put it simply, I felt a lot of different emotions, feelings and be visited with a lot of different thoughts that I've never felt before. It feels like I was caught in a whirlwind of many different emotions and thoughts that could feel overwhelming at time. If it's not for the 4 years of meditation that I've been doing, I think I'm not sure where I'll be now haha. So thankful for that.

I used to really befriend uncertainty. I used to just give in and let life take me wherever it wants to take me, trusting on the journey and the process that I am going through. Yet at the same time, I feel the opposite this year. I feel like I am thirsty for certainty. I wish I can know how will life unravel for me. I wish I can know what the future holds for me. And of course, all of these are impossible.

I no longer just give in, but I started to think more about myself. And it is hard, because when this happens, ego plays a part. You start to think if you deserve this love, or you're just being selfish.

But amidst all of these confusion, I did learn a huge lesson that the flowers have taught me.

"You can't stop a flower from blooming

as much as you can't stop life

from unraveling what it has in store for you.

So be brave, have faith and keep going

because you can't stop the flower from blooming"

This was what I told myself, after experiencing the flowers in the farm blooming much faster than they are supposed to bloom heh. Which brought me a bit of comfort, and remind me again to just be here in the moment, and stop being frightened by uncertainty, because it is the only certain thing in life!

I think I do understand that I am growing up. I am no longer that young kid, that poly graduate and so on. There is a life that I have to live, and I am going to live. And who doesn't love some certainty. Who doesn't love knowing the future. And who are able to do those? Nobody.

Well if I can sum up 2018 in 3 words, it would be: trust the process. And I think it will be one thing that will be in my mind for a long time now. A short and simple reminder that we just have to keep on going really. To keep on holding on, to just do what we can do in the amount of given time.

2018 has also made me question about a lot of things in life. The things I went through have definitely made me question about a lot of things. About money, about the purpose of life, about the meaning of life. And so on. They say life will get interesting and also tough at the same time when you begin to ask these kind of questions. So here's me wishing that I will find the fragments of answers to these really difficult questions that we will ask one day in our lives.

I also do feel like a failure this year because well personally there isn't much things that I have achieved. I broke my promise of traveling somewhere I've never been before every year. I didn't achieve many goals but I know I don't have many either heh. But like I said I don't want to punish myself for not achieving them. I hope I can continue to make the new year a better one.

On the other hand, I did change my habits and even form new ones too! I think they are quite life-changing for this year. For instance I changed my chanting time to the morning when I wake up. I managed to meditate longer this year (15-20 minutes now, compared to the previous 10). I also managed to find my joy in journaling again, and I'm going to try something new in the new year.

Also I feel like I've become more of a spiritual hippie this year. I read up a lot about spiritual stuff this year and I feel like I've made a click to them. Or more like... I've re-built some connections I've lost with these stuffs. Because I think I was more of a spiritual person in the 2014-ish era. But somehow I've changed and now I feel like I'm going back again. And it feels good.

You know if 2017 was a year that taught me not to lose hope, and how it is a year where life had shown me the way (and that there will always be a way), I feel like 2018 was a year of test given by life. Where it doesn't show my anything, but it is trying to teach me of patience, hope and just perseverance. 

And I surely do hope that whatever I learn and went through this year, will give me a better energy and better footing for 2019. And well I think I kinda do.

As usual, I'm not going to write any goals or resolutions for the new year. I'm just going to enter the new year and slowly by slowly, I'm going to add new goals and resolutions and share it with you. I did have some plans already, and I can't wait to make it into a fruition!

Well well, 2018, what a year it has been. The weirdest year I've been through and it is a year where I can't explain much, and can't put much words into it. But whatever the case is, I hope you 2018 has been treating you well. I hope 2018 has made you into a better person. Even if you feel that you have changed, even if you have went through shitty times in this year, I hope you come out of this year as a stronger, better and more mindful person. That whatever you went through, had made you stronger! Yup, that's all for this year I guess. Here's me wishing you an adventurous and beautiful 2019 ahead.

Before I bid farewell to this year, I hope you will always remember this:

Be brave, have faith and keep going.

Trust the process

Somehow, somewhere, someday,

everything will make sense.

In 2017...

It's the dawn of the last day of 2017, and as usual it's a time for me to reflect and contemplate about the year. Hmm I'm not sure how to put 2017 into words to be honest. Although it is definitely a much better year than 2016 hahaha. Pretty sure 2016 has defeated lots of people heh. But then again, since 2014, I decided not to "label" my year! Good or bad, I'm pretty sure all of us have something to take home and bring into the new year. Lessons, experiences and more.

But well, 2017 was a pretty okay year. It was neither a good or bad year. But I'm definitely very thankful for the things that I went through in this year. I would say a lot of things happened in 2017. Both in my life, and also "internally" inside me. Things that happened like miracles, putting full-stops to stories filled with a seemingly endless uncertainty. Things that get the ball rolling forward, and I hope we can keep this momentum towards and forward in 2018.

The year began restlessly still. As if the dark and uncertain days of 2016 shadow themselves into the new year. But things begin to slowly change and move. They unravel into things that we both expected, and unexpected. Like I wrote on my previous post, it feels like things were finally falling into the right places. And now we're just trying to adjust the positions of these things, and also make sure that they are standing strong. And also standing long (sounds wrong hahaha, but you get it).

Internally, I've learned a lot about myself too. Following my journey of recognising the empty nature of things, I discovered more lessons about happiness too. And feeling "alive" about the things that happened to me is also one of the greatest lessons I've learned in 2017!

Now moving on to the lessons I've learned in 2017...

I'm sorry to begin this segment on a not-so-nice note. I've learned that there are many shitty people on this planet seriously. And let us all not be one. I've encountered a number of occurrences in this year that kinda made me lose faith in humanity haha. Like I couldn't believe such people exist. They really remind me to be on my guard always. And it's a bitter reminder to me that the world is dark and full of terror. Stop spreading them. Spread love and compassion instead.

Which brings me to my next point, the only person you should trust is yourself hah. Okay I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't trust anyone else. But trust yourself, and always remind yourself that we need to work hard, and the only person who can make things work is yourself and no body else. Other people can come and help you but at the end of the day, always make sure that you can do it too. Nobody else in this world can achieve your dreams but yourself!

Elaborating more on last year's lesson, about not being too overly ambitious, this year I just want to make sure that we must also enjoy the journey. Like what I feel this year:

"You can climb a thousand mountains in one day, or climb one mountain in a thousand days. As long as you enjoy the process. Because I see no point in reaching the summit, if you don't enjoy the climb"

And I also want to continue to define my definition of "living life to the fullest" like I said last year. I want to be here. To be present at every moment, be it times of joy and peace, or struggle and restlessness. I'd like to remind myself that being alive is an amazing feeling. To feel all of these plethora of feelings. It's a sign that we're still here! Cause one day all of us won't be.

Last but not least, I want to continue being "alive". I want to let myself experience a lot of things, and I want to grow from these experiences. To be a better human being, to be a better person.

I would say 2017 was kind of a year of "closures" for me? I feel like I'm just leaving the dark and uncertain days of 2016 behind. But as I closed many pages, and end lots of stories, empty pages start to appear in front of me waiting to be written. Should I take the pen and write? I sure will.

In this year... I kinda lost my purpose. I no longer know what my purpose and ambition is in a sense. But somehow I suddenly have an epiphany - that all of the things that I'm going through right now is actually leading me somewhere. A place that nobody knows but time. So although I seem to lose my purpose and stuff, it feels like life is reminding me to focus with what I have in the present moment. Let time and life lead me to a place, a place I am subconsciously preparing to arrive in.

2018 is going to be an exciting year for sure. It's time for me to hustle, and it's time for me to get a grip on my life. I do feel a tinge of regret to be honest. I wish I can give myself these closures earlier. I don't know why it took me 4 years to finally get a grip on myself. I suppose it's time. Time knows the best things, it knows things that we'll never know. Until everything is right.

Alright, that's all for this year I guess? Thank you 2017 for everything that you've given me. Like I always believe, every year is the best chance for us to be the best human being we can ever be, and to achieve and realise our goals and dreams. Also, every year that we went through, the things that we went through and lessons we learned, they are the reasons that will make the new year a better one! In this way, we're gonna have an awesome year every year mwahaha.

Ah well, another year come and go. I hope 2017 has been treating you well. Here's me wishing you a great and wonderful 2018 ahead. I hope you have achieved your resolutions and if you haven't there's always the new year! Cheers everyone, here's to an awesome and fabulous 2018 for us.

In 2015...

 Thank you

Right! It's the dawn of the last day of the year. Can you fucking believe it! 365 days of the year just went by like a snap of a finger. It feels like yesterday when 1/1/15 just happened. I can still remember on the first day of the year, I got so hungover from finishing a bottle of wine by myself, that I spent it on my bed trying to get rid of my nausea and headache haha. I will not let history repeat itself.

2015 has been a very weird year for me. To be honest, turning 23 felt weird. It is such a funny and confusing age when I think about it. I feel like it's the "midpoint" of our life between leaving our youth and becoming an adult. Feels like I'm too young to make decisions, yet the world is asking me to make them. When I do make them, I'm filled with doubts, and when I don't, I'm filled with doubts too.

Let's go back to day one of the year. 2015 was a blank page for me. A blank page of a book without lines on it. It was a huge blank canvas. I didn't know what to expect in this year, and neither was I expecting things in this year. I mean unlike in 2014, I was so eager and determined to go to Iceland. So at least there was something that I look forward to plan, and turn it into a realisation. 

I didn't even have any resolutions, unlike 2014. Well I did have one, it was only one. I want to make 2015 a year of organisation. Cause I feel like 2014 was rather "messy" for me so I was really trying to plan things out so that things become more organised and easier to handle. I was also aspiring to improve the flower business, since we increased our population back in November 2014 and March 2015. So there were a few things we have to sort out as well. Which as of today, I think we've achieved!

I only wrote my 3rd resolution of day-83 of the year. My 3rd resolution is to "study" Buddhism. I want to get to know this religion of mine better. Which I did! I spent a few months reading up articles about Buddhism and jot them down in this book of mine. Although by mid-May, I realised Buddhism is not a religion you "study" and read, but a religion that you have to put into practice (just like every other religions I suppose). So I kinda stopped this resolution midway. 

But now I've been putting them into practice. Not in a most wonderful way, but slowly, I will get there. Cause I really want to walk on the path of the Buddha. Slowly, but surely.

So yup, I only had 3 resolutions this year. I failed the 2nd one, which was to do small exercises everyday. I stopped after my Aus trip. I think working out is just not my forte. But anyway I'm not sure if I should be happy or sad that my weird on 1st of Jan this year, and my weight as of today is the same. Happy cause it means I didn't gain weight, but also sad cause I didn't lose any :l

I'm not sure if this is a good method; not having any resolution at the beginning of this year, but building them up as the year goes by. But I can definitely ensure you that it's a great way to achieve all of your resolutions. Because you will work towards them step by step. And you won't be "burdened" by loads of resolutions at the beginning of the year which might turn you off halfway.

2015 was a weird year for me too cause it is the year that sort of opened my eyes really big, reminding me that "hello we have all grown up now!". Seeing my parents, my siblings (who are all married now), my cousins and the people around me, make me really sad to know that we've all grown up. Well we can't stay as kiddos forever. But it just feels so bizarrely weird. My cousins are working adults now, who are working out of town, or running their shops and so on. It's so weird.... But beautiful.

It really sort of woke me up. It made me think and feel more "rationally" as adults, and no longer as someone young who loves to have fun. Part of me doesn't want to become an adult but part of me is excited to know the things that I might be doing in the future. Well, here's a cheer for our bright future!

365 days ago, on the eve of 2015, I thanked 2014 for whatever that had happened in that year. Because 2015 is going to be a great year because of all of these things that had happened. The lessons I've learned, the people I've met, the things that happened and things that didn't have definitely shaped who I am as a person today. And I'm always thankful for that. 

I used to have this habit of "labeling" my year. It was a good/bad/so-so/normal/adventurous/exciting year and so on. But in 2014 and 2015, I actually ran out of words to "label" my year. 2014 was a serendipitous year for me. But I couldn't "label" it as a good or bad year. And I share the same sentiment for 2015. I do however, feel that 2015 was a better year! Cause of what I said above.

I suppose as we grow up, we no longer see a year as a period of time of 365 days. I think I see it as a milestone. Sort of a check point to see what we have done so far. The good, the bad and so on. And well like I said, it is the things that happened in the year that really shaped us as a person. You can let these things destroy you, or make you into a stronger and better person.

You see, I think I'm going to stop labeling the years as a good, bad or normal year. I am going to believe that every new year, is going to be the best year I'm going to have in my life. I am going to make the things that happened in this year shape me into a better person, who will then make the coming year a better year than before. And I am going to continue doing this till I die. To a point where I get better every year, as a human being. If I believe that everyday is a good day, some days are better, I'm going to put this into the context of the year too. 

I've always believed that one day life is going to force you to live in the present. I suppose this is such moment for me? I'm going to stop worrying about the future and clings less to the past. Let's just make every new year, the best year that we are going to have in life. The year where we can share our hopes and determination with other people. Where we can help ourselves and help other people to have better lives, and really alleviate them from their suffering. 

On the other hand, the world has suffered enough in this year as well. And every night I always pray for everyone's happiness and safety. We cannot lose hope. We must always believe in love! I don't know what life has in store for the world next year. But I hope we can all be nicer to one another, help one another and make this world a better place before all of us leave our bodies eventually.

Whew, 2015. What a year you have been. Thank you for everything you have given me, taken away from me, taught me, made me forget, reminded me, and so on. Because you are someone who will help me make 2016 a great and awesome year. And I hope we can make 2016 a better year ahead. 

I hope you had a wonderful 2015. And I wish you all the best for the new year.

See you next year!