When I was young, I was really really afraid of dying. Basically, everything that is related to death. I remember when I was in P5 there was this exercise where my teacher asked us to circle things we are afraid of (out of a list). And then asked us to rank it from top to bottom. Number one was death, and number two was getting trapped in the lift. It was pretty hilarious I must say.
But of course along the way, my perception of death changes.
I suppose my first encounter with death, of someone I know closely, would be the passing of my grandfather. Although I didn't have much memories with him because he had dementia, and we didn't encounter much communication, I always remember him sitting around at my grandma's house whenever I go there. So I felt sad knowing that he wouldn't be there anymore. And I remembered crying when I first went to the funeral parlour and hugged my grandmother. And I remembered seeing my mother cry the morning we were heading to the crematorium in Jakarta. As I've come to a realisation that he will be gone forever. And after he got cremated, all I felt was blatant emptiness.
The next encounter would be my late aunt. She passed away after losing her battle with cancer. As she stayed nearby my house, and that my sister/brother and I always accompanied her when she was having her chemotherapy session while in Singapore, I could say that she was someone quite dear to me. I couldn't come to her cremation as I was still in Singapore, and was having exams. I felt really sad and kinda regretted not skipping school just to go back, to be honest.
The next encounter would be my paternal grandmother. Who is someone I really really... Love and is very dearest to me. I grew up with her by my side (except when I'm in Singapore of course), I spent my mornings during school holiday talking to her, and well we were just really close I suppose. I remember that fateful morning in April 2006 when I received a letter from a staff in TSS saying that my sister is fetching me because I have to "attend a family member's funeral". I just got shocked, and I knew it was my grandmother. We quickly bought air tickets home and flew that evening.
My grandmother's passing was really sad for me. I remember crying when they were closing her coffin. When we had to put paper ingots in her coffin. And when she was about to leave her house for the last time (the wake was held in her house). It was definitely one of the saddest day of my life. After her funeral, I remember my cousins and I were sitting in her house being very quiet. It was as if emptiness blanketed over her house. It's almost 9 years since her passing, and I do miss her at times.
Perhaps the reason why I was afraid of death (and is still kind of afraid) when I was young is that firstly, I thought that not everyone will die, so... I don't want to die. And of course, we are all afraid of losing someone we love, someone we know dearly. But as I grow up I discovered that death is a destination we all are heading for. No one lives forever. And of course I learned through Buddhism that nothing is permanent. Not even our lives, or an ant's life, and so on. So I began to embrace death. Not saying I wish to die but to accept the fact that we are all going to die one day.
I'll always remember a Tibetan saying about death (I think I mentioned it before here): like a foetus in a womb who cannot stay inside longer than it is supposed to be, we cannot stay on this life longer than we are supposed to be. We will all go one day, not sure when and not sure where. And yes, we all have a limit, or what Muslims call as "ajal". Not forgetting Sogyal Rinpoche's words that our body is just something we leave behind. These are the lessons that made me embrace death.
I don't take death as something necessarily negative, and sad. I see death as a reminder of impermanence - a reminder to live my life to the fullest, and to be compassionate always to others.
That being said, I am referring to death as when a person naturally dies from an illness or old age. Not when someone is killed or when someone died because of a death sentence. Because I don't really agree with death sentence, I'd rather go for life sentence. Or make that person do community work for the rest of his/her life. Because only the one above knows when we die, and I don't think we have any rights to take the life of others. No one should set the finish-line of someone else's life.
Ah well, it's a sad post, but something I've been wanting to write about. Of course, I wish that everyone would have a long and healthy life. And I hope everyone will be happy, and live their lives to the fullest.
Because no one else will live yours.
PS: Happy Valentine's day!
Saturday, 14 February 2015
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Departure
Yesterday someone I know quite closely, passed away. It was a shocking news for me. But I know he's leaving us soon. But not this soon. He's a prominent figure in my hometown's temple, a well-known man in the Chinese/Buddhist community, and definitely one of the most selfless person I've met on earth. Friendly, caring, always there to help, and humble. And he's gone now, forever.
He helped us a lot, from my grandmother's funeral, to the weddings of my brother and sister, and much more. And he also taught me something that I treasured a lot, because not many people, not many young people, know this knowledge. And I am very thankful and humbled by his teachings. I will keep it in my heart, and use it to the best of my ability. And heed his words that I should never misuse this, and always be helpful towards others. And I will.
Like I've learned last year through Sogyal Rinpoche's book, that the Tibetan word for body is lu and it means something we leave behind, well... He has left his behind now. But I know, we know, that before he left his body behind, he has helped a lot of people and that is something I am so humbled of him.
Perhaps, just maybe, he is a reincarnation of what Buddhists know as a Bodhisattva. Or maybe, he is on the path to becoming one. In the next life, or maybe the life after next.
It feels kind of sad to know someone whom you know quite closely with has passed away. Especially when you spent some time months before he departed from this world. I still have a few questions for him and what I regretted the most is to not express my gratitude for the lessons he had taught me. Sigh. Regrets really come too late. But I just want him to know that I'm ever so thankful for his guidance, teachings and stories. And how much humbled I am by his actions.
So long and farewell. Thank you for everything that you have done for us, for your lessons to me, and everything else. I'm so glad to have known you and I hope you'll have a safe passage ahead. My prayers are with you. Thank you and goodbye.
:(
He helped us a lot, from my grandmother's funeral, to the weddings of my brother and sister, and much more. And he also taught me something that I treasured a lot, because not many people, not many young people, know this knowledge. And I am very thankful and humbled by his teachings. I will keep it in my heart, and use it to the best of my ability. And heed his words that I should never misuse this, and always be helpful towards others. And I will.
Like I've learned last year through Sogyal Rinpoche's book, that the Tibetan word for body is lu and it means something we leave behind, well... He has left his behind now. But I know, we know, that before he left his body behind, he has helped a lot of people and that is something I am so humbled of him.
Perhaps, just maybe, he is a reincarnation of what Buddhists know as a Bodhisattva. Or maybe, he is on the path to becoming one. In the next life, or maybe the life after next.
It feels kind of sad to know someone whom you know quite closely with has passed away. Especially when you spent some time months before he departed from this world. I still have a few questions for him and what I regretted the most is to not express my gratitude for the lessons he had taught me. Sigh. Regrets really come too late. But I just want him to know that I'm ever so thankful for his guidance, teachings and stories. And how much humbled I am by his actions.
So long and farewell. Thank you for everything that you have done for us, for your lessons to me, and everything else. I'm so glad to have known you and I hope you'll have a safe passage ahead. My prayers are with you. Thank you and goodbye.
:(
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
The Price of Being Somebody
This is the price you pay
of becoming a somebody.
Of becoming the person,
you have become today.
We all have a price to pay
to become the person,
we have decided to be
or have decided not to be.
There is no discount, I'm sorry.
Of the amount you have to pay.
And yes you have to carry
this price tag that's on you, all the way.
And one day you wonder
one day you'll be shocked,
and be left in complete blunder.
Of the price that you have to pay.
So now just remember,
that there is a price you have to pay.
To become the person you decide to become
or have decided not to become.
of becoming a somebody.
Of becoming the person,
you have become today.
We all have a price to pay
to become the person,
we have decided to be
or have decided not to be.
There is no discount, I'm sorry.
Of the amount you have to pay.
And yes you have to carry
this price tag that's on you, all the way.
And one day you wonder
one day you'll be shocked,
and be left in complete blunder.
Of the price that you have to pay.
So now just remember,
that there is a price you have to pay.
To become the person you decide to become
or have decided not to become.
Saturday, 7 February 2015
Traveling Dreams
I've been having weird, bizarre dreams of traveling for the past 5 days. The weird thing about these dreams is how that in each dream, I am revisiting a place I've been to in real life. I love telling weird stories so here is the chronicle of my weird traveling dreams.
So on Tuesday night I dreamt that I went back to Helsinki again. And just like Inception, my dream began in the middle. I was sitting in this cafe with my brother and sister and when I asked where were we, they answered Helsinki. I was feeling very happy in my dream to be back in that city. And then we had to return back to Indonesia, and we took a direct flight (wow) from the airport which is... Foodcourt 2 in SP. So so bizarre. But we made in back in Jakarta in the end. And I was the one directing the pilots how to land properly because it was their first time.
On Wednesday night I dreamt that I was taking part in this "amazing race" which we had to cycle all the way from Indonesia to NORWAY. I wasn't cycling. In fact I was pushing myself on my moveable chair. It was just a weird dream. But hey I managed to land myself in Norway in 8 hours. And for our first challenge we had to recite a Pashto poem. While I was about to recite them with my team mates, some police from Singapore stopped me because I left my belongings behind. I cried because I thought I was going to miss the challenge and got eliminated. But they let me go and I woke up.
I kinda forgot Thursday night's dream. But it is definitely about Singapore and Johor.
And last night I dreamt that I went back to Iceland! Similarly, I was in the middle of this grassy snowy field with my short pants. And there were a few people beside me and I asked them where we were and one of them was like "Iceland". I was so happy to be back but obviously I was under-dressed. So I decided to go to London first to grab some clothes. And London = my house here. I packed everything inside my backpack and as I was to hop inside my car to go to Iceland, I woke up.
I'm not sure what and where I will be dreaming tonight. I hope I can continue these adventures.
We have a belief here that if you dream of traveling, it just simply means you're tired. And I once read on the net that it is a sign of you going to travel somewhere (I hope!). Well, we're not entirely sure what dreams are. So much mystery of this world left unanswered. Why do we sleep, why do we have dreams when we sleep, and so on and forth. Nevertheless, it's always fun having dreams like these.
So on Tuesday night I dreamt that I went back to Helsinki again. And just like Inception, my dream began in the middle. I was sitting in this cafe with my brother and sister and when I asked where were we, they answered Helsinki. I was feeling very happy in my dream to be back in that city. And then we had to return back to Indonesia, and we took a direct flight (wow) from the airport which is... Foodcourt 2 in SP. So so bizarre. But we made in back in Jakarta in the end. And I was the one directing the pilots how to land properly because it was their first time.
On Wednesday night I dreamt that I was taking part in this "amazing race" which we had to cycle all the way from Indonesia to NORWAY. I wasn't cycling. In fact I was pushing myself on my moveable chair. It was just a weird dream. But hey I managed to land myself in Norway in 8 hours. And for our first challenge we had to recite a Pashto poem. While I was about to recite them with my team mates, some police from Singapore stopped me because I left my belongings behind. I cried because I thought I was going to miss the challenge and got eliminated. But they let me go and I woke up.
I kinda forgot Thursday night's dream. But it is definitely about Singapore and Johor.
And last night I dreamt that I went back to Iceland! Similarly, I was in the middle of this grassy snowy field with my short pants. And there were a few people beside me and I asked them where we were and one of them was like "Iceland". I was so happy to be back but obviously I was under-dressed. So I decided to go to London first to grab some clothes. And London = my house here. I packed everything inside my backpack and as I was to hop inside my car to go to Iceland, I woke up.
I'm not sure what and where I will be dreaming tonight. I hope I can continue these adventures.
We have a belief here that if you dream of traveling, it just simply means you're tired. And I once read on the net that it is a sign of you going to travel somewhere (I hope!). Well, we're not entirely sure what dreams are. So much mystery of this world left unanswered. Why do we sleep, why do we have dreams when we sleep, and so on and forth. Nevertheless, it's always fun having dreams like these.
Friday, 6 February 2015
Decision
Right right right, so I have decided to start a new blog! Nope not leaving this behind, but I started a new blog for my seratus stories project! It's live at: seratus-stories! So do feel free and click on it. I have only posted once though so yeah. More will come soon :) I've decided to use blogger again cause I find it convenient. You know I don't have to switch platforms (say if I were to use tumblr). Besides I'm pretty comfortable with the blogger layout so it's all good.
Anyway I was still thinking of a name to the blog... But decided to stick with the initial name of the project haha. Once I've hit a thousand stories then I'll call it seribu-stories, and so on. I hope this is not just a project for this year, but a project for my lifetime. I am inspired by Humans of New York (HONY) AKA Brandon Stanton. He just started a fundraising activity for this school in New York and the fundraising raised a million dollar within a week! He is a reminder to me that photography is such a powerful powerful tool - not just to freeze moments and tell stories, but to also inspire and help others!
I'm very far from being as inspiring as him but well, gotta start somewhere I suppose? :)
Anyway I was still thinking of a name to the blog... But decided to stick with the initial name of the project haha. Once I've hit a thousand stories then I'll call it seribu-stories, and so on. I hope this is not just a project for this year, but a project for my lifetime. I am inspired by Humans of New York (HONY) AKA Brandon Stanton. He just started a fundraising activity for this school in New York and the fundraising raised a million dollar within a week! He is a reminder to me that photography is such a powerful powerful tool - not just to freeze moments and tell stories, but to also inspire and help others!
I'm very far from being as inspiring as him but well, gotta start somewhere I suppose? :)
Monday, 2 February 2015
Great music of January
Right, I forgot to do this again at the end of January so... Here it is!
Great Music of January:
- Archie, Marry Me by Alvvays
- Party Police by Alvvays
- Adult Diversion by Alvvays
- B a noBody by Soak
- Blood by Soak
- Sea Creatures by Soak
- Clocktower by Noosa
- Cool Kids by Echosmith
Song of the month: B a noBody by Soak
I discovered Alvvays when I was scrolling through the "Top Bands of 2014" list from a website. I forgot if it was Pitchfork or something else. Well I wish I discovered this band earlier! I really love the feel of their songs... There's a sense of nostalgia and mellow feel to it that I really love, especially for the first two songs above. And I just love their sounds. Looking forward to more of them! :)
As for Soak, I discovered her through BBC's "Top acts to look out in 2015" list and well, she is definitely someone we need to look up for in this year! She's such a talented singer and song writer, and I really love her songs. At such a young age of 16 (correct me if I'm wrong), I think she is really really talented! She just released her single (Sea Creatures) for the new album which will be released in this year and now I seriously can't wait to get her first album! Pretty inspirational.
Thank to Mr Suicide Sheep (apparently people call him Sheepy or Sheep hah) I discovered another great singer called Noosa, from her song "Clocktower". Would love to get her album but apparently it's only available digitally and in vinyl form. So I just got it via iTunes. There is something dreamy about her songs and they kinda remind me of summer arriving from spring. Whoa hahaha.
Cool Kids by Echosmith is a song I found while watching Channel V one day heh. I really love the song, the melody and the chords progression. Though I find the lyric of the chorus kinda weak heh. Nevertheless, once again, they're a band of siblings who are still young! Such talents.
Yup that's all for now. Can't believe we're doing this for the new year now! Let's see what 2015 has in store for me, music wise. Well actually there are lots of my favourite bands who are releasing new albums this year (or maybe not), so yup I'm definitely looking forward to 2015 music! :)
Great Music of January:
- Archie, Marry Me by Alvvays
- Party Police by Alvvays
- Adult Diversion by Alvvays
- B a noBody by Soak
- Blood by Soak
- Sea Creatures by Soak
- Clocktower by Noosa
- Cool Kids by Echosmith
Song of the month: B a noBody by Soak
I discovered Alvvays when I was scrolling through the "Top Bands of 2014" list from a website. I forgot if it was Pitchfork or something else. Well I wish I discovered this band earlier! I really love the feel of their songs... There's a sense of nostalgia and mellow feel to it that I really love, especially for the first two songs above. And I just love their sounds. Looking forward to more of them! :)
As for Soak, I discovered her through BBC's "Top acts to look out in 2015" list and well, she is definitely someone we need to look up for in this year! She's such a talented singer and song writer, and I really love her songs. At such a young age of 16 (correct me if I'm wrong), I think she is really really talented! She just released her single (Sea Creatures) for the new album which will be released in this year and now I seriously can't wait to get her first album! Pretty inspirational.
Thank to Mr Suicide Sheep (apparently people call him Sheepy or Sheep hah) I discovered another great singer called Noosa, from her song "Clocktower". Would love to get her album but apparently it's only available digitally and in vinyl form. So I just got it via iTunes. There is something dreamy about her songs and they kinda remind me of summer arriving from spring. Whoa hahaha.
Cool Kids by Echosmith is a song I found while watching Channel V one day heh. I really love the song, the melody and the chords progression. Though I find the lyric of the chorus kinda weak heh. Nevertheless, once again, they're a band of siblings who are still young! Such talents.
Yup that's all for now. Can't believe we're doing this for the new year now! Let's see what 2015 has in store for me, music wise. Well actually there are lots of my favourite bands who are releasing new albums this year (or maybe not), so yup I'm definitely looking forward to 2015 music! :)
Sunday, 1 February 2015
Unwell
I've been sick for the past three days now, well felt so much better today, and I have to say that it was quite a scary experience. So as you know my body rejected paracetamol and ibuprofen four years ago. I haven't been getting any fever for the past 4 years (thankfully), it was just mild fevers and they would disappear after I sleep. So I wasn't really "scared" of fevers, although I know that I have nothing to rely on except for water and a hot shower when I have one. But now it's a whole different story.
So on Thursday when I woke up, I was already having a sore throat. So as usual I spammed Strepsils every two hours. Usually it works within 12 hours. However on Thursday evening I was feeling feverish, and so well, I just spam water and vitamin C "as usual". When I woke up on Friday the sore throat didn't get better somehow. And in the afternoon I started sneezing like 20 times and that's when the fever hit. I was felling chilly, feverish, and I know I was down with a fever. Not the "usual" ones.
I still went to the plantation as we had a delivery but when I returned home I was down with a fever. The fever from the afternoon didn't even go down. I took a nap for about 2 hours and I was still having a fever. I ate dinner, did a little calculation and I couldn't take it, I went back to my room to lie down cause the fever wasn't getting better at all. And Friday night was a terrifying night because this is the first time in four years that I am experiencing high fever, knowing that I have nothing to rely on except for water. It was 2 AM and the fever didn't go down. I slept until 5 AM and I was still having fever. I slept till 11 AM, waking up here and there throughout my sleep, and thankfully the fever went down.
On Saturday I was just feeling chilly but no high fever so it was okay. And I was having a pounding headache throughout the day. At night I was getting kinda better except for the headache part. I slept again, and this time round I had such a great night sleep and I woke up healed from the fever and headache. But my sore throat seems to get worst haha. Seriously body, please just get this shit through once and for all. Stop giving me problems one by one! Heh. Still spamming strepsils now.
So yeah, the past weekend was spent at home, nursing this fever. And it was indeed a scary experience. I suppose it's true when they say prevention is better than cure. For my case that is, because I know I have no cure! I have to prevent myself from getting a fever. And fever is the body's defence mechanism for an infection. So... I should avoid infection at all cost.
Knowing all these remind me why I wanted to enroll myself in Biomedical Science. The body is such an awesome awesome machine and when you understand the way it works, you will be so amazed. And well, we know like 1% of the human body so far? There is so much more mystery to be discovered.
As a BBC documentary I watched once says:
So on Thursday when I woke up, I was already having a sore throat. So as usual I spammed Strepsils every two hours. Usually it works within 12 hours. However on Thursday evening I was feeling feverish, and so well, I just spam water and vitamin C "as usual". When I woke up on Friday the sore throat didn't get better somehow. And in the afternoon I started sneezing like 20 times and that's when the fever hit. I was felling chilly, feverish, and I know I was down with a fever. Not the "usual" ones.
I still went to the plantation as we had a delivery but when I returned home I was down with a fever. The fever from the afternoon didn't even go down. I took a nap for about 2 hours and I was still having a fever. I ate dinner, did a little calculation and I couldn't take it, I went back to my room to lie down cause the fever wasn't getting better at all. And Friday night was a terrifying night because this is the first time in four years that I am experiencing high fever, knowing that I have nothing to rely on except for water. It was 2 AM and the fever didn't go down. I slept until 5 AM and I was still having fever. I slept till 11 AM, waking up here and there throughout my sleep, and thankfully the fever went down.
On Saturday I was just feeling chilly but no high fever so it was okay. And I was having a pounding headache throughout the day. At night I was getting kinda better except for the headache part. I slept again, and this time round I had such a great night sleep and I woke up healed from the fever and headache. But my sore throat seems to get worst haha. Seriously body, please just get this shit through once and for all. Stop giving me problems one by one! Heh. Still spamming strepsils now.
So yeah, the past weekend was spent at home, nursing this fever. And it was indeed a scary experience. I suppose it's true when they say prevention is better than cure. For my case that is, because I know I have no cure! I have to prevent myself from getting a fever. And fever is the body's defence mechanism for an infection. So... I should avoid infection at all cost.
Knowing all these remind me why I wanted to enroll myself in Biomedical Science. The body is such an awesome awesome machine and when you understand the way it works, you will be so amazed. And well, we know like 1% of the human body so far? There is so much more mystery to be discovered.
As a BBC documentary I watched once says:
"The human body is the greatest doctor ever alive in this world"
Oh and yes February is here! Well it was a bitter ending to January with my fever. Hoping for a fantastic February ahead! Hope your February will be fantastic too :)
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