Thirty Two

Oh my goodness, look who's back baby. It's been so long since we both met! Look how much you have grown now. The last time we met, you look thiiiiis small. Now you're so big already! Okay pardon the horrible segue but yes hello, I am back here after 1000 months. Just kidding, uhh lets see it's been 10 months! Almost exactly ten months. And I just decided to pay you a visit.

Well it's been a tradition of mine to blog on my birthday. I was thinking maybe I shouldn't do it, why would I do so if I haven't blogged in ten months right? But hey I do know some people, who blogs once a year - on their birthday haha. Not gonna lie I do feel a bit guilty for not blogging. I didn't even celebrate our birthday back in September last year. It's so weird, cause back then I still had plans for this blog. But all of that didn't come into fruition. So I guess we'll start here.

Lets start with a huge update on life. Nothing much actually, but I did many things in this year. Went to Singapore to see Coldplay back in January. Went for a 3-day meditation retreat in March. Went to Chiang Mai back in May. Finished Level One Abhidhamma from Dhammavihari Buddhist Studies. Currently doing level 2. And yup today I turned 32. That's the gist of it. I'm not gonna bore you with the other little things that happened throughout these 6.5 months. Life's like that I guess.

That's the thing that made me stop blogging. Well first of all I don't know what to blog. I don't wanna bore you with my day to day stuff, and neither do I want to talk about work and stuff in my blog. Secondly I still own a journal, and I've been journaling regularly as usual. Which makes me feel that I don't think I need two "places" to talk and write about. Keeping a journal feels more... Intimate.

There were many days where I opened my blog and started writing, only to have me close the window again and stopped. Because I simply don't know where to start and to write. But I also feel like I think I should start blogging my life's happenings. Just for the sake of memories. Like my trip to Chiang Mai, and so on. Which I thought of doing along the year as we move forward.

It's kind of weird how I used to be a sentimental person. I guess I still am, just not as much now. I used to obsess over the idea of writing my memories down. Posting photographs and so on. But as I grow older I no longer cling onto that idea. For memories I have Instagram. And I also print my photos as usual. I also have my journal. And so on. Funny how I told myself that this blog is where I will put all my memories, a place where I can easily look back on to think about my memories.

Oh gosh now I feel like reviving my blog again.

I thought to myself back last year that even if I do stop blogging, I would at least try to blog once a month. But it never happened. And as I look back I wonder why? Yet I couldn't find an answer to that. I guess you can call it laziness. Or the simple fact that I don't have the time to. As I grow older, now I really treasure my time at night. I usually blog after dinner. But now I use this time to really rest and chill. Listen to music, read books, or journal. Or simply, watch YouTube videos.

I guess it's just our changing priorities. Or perhaps the idea that you just realised how you have "lesser and lesser" time as the years go by. Time doesn't change. It doesn't increase or decrease. But it's the things you put into "time" that made you feel like you have less of that. It's kind of like filling a room with stuff. As you grow older, this room becomes smaller and smaller. So you treasure the space you have left in the room. You don't wanna buy more stuff. You try to clear some space.

I blog simply because I want to write. I don't really wish for people to come and visit my blog everyday and read and stuff. Well I did have the thought of actually going seriously into blogging. Who knows I can make some extra cash! Haha. But year this blog is simply for me, and simply for the people who chanced upon this blog I guess. Which makes me think... I guess my journal is enough.

Anyway back to my point, I will consider going back into blogging. Or at least update you with my life's happenings. If I want to keep this blog as my "diary" that is.

And back to my yearly habit. I don't know what to feel about 32. Today is just another ordinary day and nothing much happened. I went for meditation in the evening with my uncle and... That's it. I know I say this a lot but as I grow older, birthdays become super ordinary that I take it as just another boring normal day. And I'd like to keep it that way. Because what's there to celebrate I suppose?

I guess I just know that I've made it through one revolution around the sun, and that I'm one year closer to death. And this excites me. HAHA. I don't know, I guess I'm excited to see the ending. I want to see how my life unfolds itself. I'm still humbled and amazed by life. The idea that we're here on this floating planet in the middle of nowhere stupefies me. How are we gonna make it out.

Life is pretty weird, I cannot deny that. Being a human is pretty weird. Life is absurd and I want to laugh and enjoy in its absurdity. There are days where life doesn't make sense but I'm still here! It's crazy! Haha. I don't know what I'm talking about. But yes life is absurd.

Alright I guess that's all from me today. I really don't know what to think and talk about this day. About being 32. But just wanna say hello again. Thank you everyone for the wishes, cakes and presents. Hope you are all doing well wherever you are. And... I hope I will see you again soon.

Happy Birthday.

Thirty One

Right so today I turned thirty one. And seriously it's the most basic, normal day ever haha. I guess as I grow older birthdays are really just a normal day. It's not some special days. Perhaps with the tiny celebration and wishes and so on, but mostly it's just another day. Also maybe cause of work.

And that today is a Monday.

I guess despite today being a normal day, I do feel thankful and reflective too, of all of these years that I went through. Especially the past 3 years. The three years that nobody wanted to go through but here here we are now! I'm thankful for all of the lessons, and everything that I went through.

Although I do have to say that 31 is a special year for me. Cause I am closing one chapter of my life, while a new one is dawning upon me. It's a weird chapter and part of my life. But I guess this is life.

I think having one more number increased in your age makes you think how incredible, absurd and amazing life is. And I think life is the art of processing all of this together. Making sense of things even though sometimes you don't know how to make sense of it all. Isn't this life in its best?

Confusing, remarkable and empty.

I think I've been struggling with some sort of existential crisis in the past few years. I've been struggling with the idea of being here. Like why am I here even though I didn't ask to be here (no one asks too). But well I guess this year I have accepted the fact that yes perhaps life is indeed meaningless.

But we can do something about it!

Despite all this meaninglessness, I feel that there lies an energy, a driving force that can turn this all around. Sure life is meaningless, but what can we do with it is all that matters.

We can choose to lament at this tragedy of being here, or we can also make the best out of our time here. At the end of the day we're human beings. We don't have a lot (or no) control about many things. But part of this life? Our mind? We surely can control them.

I guess I want to spend 31 celebrating the absurdity of life. Despite all the challenges, the things that don't make sense, hey, I'm here. And I guess that's incredible enough to keep me going.

As always I'd like to remind myself that there are many things I've yet to see.

Many stories I've yet to write, and many places I've yet to be in.

Happy Birthday.

Thirty

Right, the day is finally here. I'm finally 30! Am I dreading this day? Not really. Although yes I've been jokingly telling people that I'm 18 hah. I'm just really both shocked and fascinated at how fast time is flying. Like I'm 30 now? Whew. Did I just spend 3 decades here on earth haha.

I don't really know how to feel today. There isn't much inspiration and thoughts that I have. I was expecting to sit in front of my laptop feeling inspired on what to write but not really. You see I feel that as I grow older, I don't see celebrating your birthday as a necessity. I just see it as another ordinary day. A day when you were born. And as I grow older I realised, what's so special about this day?

I used to think that it's a day where you celebrate your milestones or what you have achieved all these years. But I no longer see the point of this either. Now, in fact, I feel that life is getting tougher as time passes by. So I did ask myself like... What's there to celebrate really.

I feel more of a sense of gratitude, fatigue and wonder, that I manage to go through another year. In the past 365 days, I did go through some dark patches. Questioning my existence and wondering why I'm here. I think it's quite a journey. The past 30 years have been quite an odyssey.

I guess growing old wasn't as picturesque as I imagined it to be. Three decades of being human felt incredibly tiring, with the past decade being the toughest in my opinion. But it is also the one where I learned the most. Where I made friends with reality. Where I learned a lot about this world, about money, about life. And most importantly, I have learned a lot about myself.

In the past 3 decades, I have experienced my fair share of dark and rough days. Yet I have also experienced its triumphs and happiness. So I just pray that I have the strength to carry on, to move forward. There are days where life feels like an endless of suffering. But there are also many days where I'm reminded of impermanence. So I guess you just have to hold on.

I just love to remind myself that perhaps there are still things that I've yet to know. Places that I've yet to see. And stories that I will have to write. And I guess, I just need to learn how to bear the unbearable!

Am I excited for the years ahead? Yes. Am I afraid for what's coming? Yup. Do I have to just stop and do absolutely nothing? Hell no! I guess I'll just have to learn to be more mindful of everything as usual. We'll just learn our ropes as we go along. And along the way we'll be a better, stronger, wiser and most importantly, more mindful person! Because this life is a merry-go-round. 

You just gotta enjoy the ride sometimes.

Oh well it's been a wild wild ride these past 30 years. Here's to a better, stronger, wiser and more mindful next 30 years! Anyway if I can sum up these 30 years, I guess life is the art of showing up uninvited to a party that you didn't know exist. And as always, if I can sum life in 6 words:

it will always find a way.

Happy birthday to me.

Twenty Nine

Hello hello hello, look who's back after one month! Gosh, I think my prediction of going to blog one post A MONTH is coming true haha. Okay, ya'll know the reason. I'm going to skip the explanation.

Anyway yes I just turned 29. This is crazy, like where did time go to man. This is the 2nd birthday of my life in a pandemic heh. It's weird, 2020 was quite a rather weird year to turn 28 and now I think it's even a weirder time to turn 29. To be honest, I really have no-feels in this birthday. As usual it's just another day. A day of growing older. I think so many things have happened in this year that my birthday just becomes another day. And I think that's fine, not that I'm someone who celebrates it either.

In fact I actually forgot it's my birthday heh. Like on the 16th I know it's the 16th, but that's it. I didn't really think about what's gonna happen the next day. And I like to keep it that way.

My birthday went on as per normal Saturday. Went to work as usual, and just had a mini celebration with the office people of our housing project (thanks for the pudding!). And yeah that was it.

I always say this again and again, every year. The older I grow, the more clueless I get to think about turning a year older. It's just another day, another year. And as I have learned last year, it's a year closer to my death. So a reminder of our own impermanence and at the same time the beauty of life too. It's a weird year for all of us. I think this whole pandemic has taught us of how fragile life can be. And it made me do a lot of retrospect and reflection. About the meaning of being alive.

29 years is a pretty long time for sure. I have learned a lot and everything about who I am now has definitely to do with everything I have been through. They say we are still continuously shaping our lives and identity till we're 40? That's when life seems to plateau (as in we can't learn and do much) and then we get better and better at whatever we're doing then. 30, is still a time of experiments.

I think the biggest lesson I've learned so far, is really impermanence? That everything is constantly changing. It never stays the same. And thus, anything can happen. And when I mean anything, I mean anything. And I feel like at the end of the day, our job is to really walk through this sea of change. And adapt, and just live through it. Be prepared for what's coming, but at the same time walk through with the idea that this is not your final destination. Things can, will, and always change.

I haven't really thought of what to write for this birthday of mine. No sophisticated posts and stuff. Perhaps I'll write them down in my journal first. I am however kind of excited to walk towards the big three-O? I don't know, like I'm just excited to see how life will turn out. Although in some days life seems bleak and so on. But, I believe there's always a way. And where I am is where I'm supposed to be!

Alright that's all from me now. I hope this is not my last post of July haha. As always, stay safe and take care! I think I need to do another post on life update soon. See you again!

Twenty Eight

Wow, gosh, I haven't blogged for the month of July haha. Well what better way to break this hiatus with me writing about this special-but-not-really day. The day I turn twenty eight hahaha. Alright, officially stepping to the late twenties now and no turning back. We're all growing old and I wonder whatever happened to the last few years! It feels like I just turned twenty yesterday or something heh.

Anyway I had a great day today. Celebrated with my nephews and niece, and gotta light the candle three times cause the kiddos want to blow the candles ahaha. I feel so old now that I'm celebrating my birthday with my nephews! As an uncle. The mini celebration was so happening oh dear haha.

But been a busy day as well cause the water that goes into my house was murky as diluted coffee today! Not sure why, apparently there's some maintenance work in the main pipe and thus it is disrupted. Since we have no water we actually have to buy water. That's how serious it is heh. So yeah I was just busy going around the tanks in my house to make sure they're all filled up. And then in the evening I went to do stocks at the shop as usual. What an awesome way of turning 28 eh!

Well as usual, the older I grow, I don't know what to feel about birthdays anymore haha. But I'd like to quote a line from "What Makes You Not A Buddhist" by Dzongsar Khyentse Rinpoche. 

It goes something like this: 

"Every year we celebrate our birthdays, blowing out candles. 

Not realising that we're one year closer to our death"

I know it sounds grim but this is just pure facts haha. Which is why I think we shouldn't celebrate birthdays. But Birthdays should be a reminder for us that we have (n-age) more years to live. And to me this makes life so freaking exciting. We don't know how long we have more to live.

Alright I guess that's all for now. Happy Birthday to me. May I become a wiser and more mindful human being. And here's to the everlasting search for the meaning of becoming a human being.

Twenty Seven

Thanks to Baros United Fam!

Hello, man, I am officially no longer able to call myself someone in his mid-twenties, but now I am someone in his late twenties hahaha. Officially 27 today and whew I feel old! Funny how I used to tell myself that I don't want to feel old on my birthdays anymore because well, we are all growing old. Nothing can stop time for moving forward, and nothing can stop us from growing too.

But well, I hope I become wiser as I get older. I don't really know what to feel anymore after each birthday. I just wish for great health and more wisdom. And of course, as always, to be more mindful at all times. I no longer wish for happiness. Mindfulness is way cooler than that haha.

Anyway today was just another ordinary day. Thankful for the dinner (or lunch for me) that my family organised at my uncle's cafe to celebrate my uncle's belated and my birthday! And thank you to everyone for your wishes, presents and everything else. Appreciate it so much :D

I don't know how to put turning 27 into words. Life feels weird to me these days. 

Nevertheless, here's to surviving another revolution around the sun on this weird and beautiful world.

Twenty Six

Thank you my beloved Baros United!

Another day, another year, and here I am surviving the 26th time that I circled around the sun on this wonderful planet! Ahaha. I love to term my birthday that way now, it's pretty interesting right. But yes, I turned 26 today, I am officially closer to 50 than I am to when I was born. Isn't that amazing.

I don't feel old, I don't feel whatever to be honest. Just shocked because I have officially surpassed the mid twenties, and I will be in my late twenties next year. Man, where did time go really. It feels like yesterday when I was celebrating my birthday with my poly friends (Hi Candy and Lizzie). But that was a proper 6 years ago? That's crazy right. But I had a great time today!

It was just an ordinary Tuesday, helped out at the factory in the afternoon and did some calculations in the evening. Then I went to have dinner with my family! Also celebrating my uncle's birthday which fell on Sunday. Sadly this year my aunt is no longer with us, if not we'll be celebrating our birthdays together on this special day. Oh well, happy birthday Oucun! :)

I don't have a lot of thoughts for today. Weird, as you grow older, your birthday is just another day. Although I would say the mid twenties is an interesting time of your life. I was just pondering just now, because this year marked the 5th year that I'm home. The 5th year that I entered the adult life, being an adult, and having everything that revolves around it. And it's an interesting journey.

More of this on another separate post I guess.

Well I hope that 26 will be a better year ahead for me. More wisdom, great health and... I don't want happiness. As I said once, I want mindfulness. Because mindfulness is better than happiness! I hope that the universe will guide me always, and show me clarity and light in this space. Give me courage, give me patience, and conspire with me to walk on this path together. Till the end of time.

Alright that's all for me today. Thank you to everyone who has wished me! I hope you're having a great week so far, and may you have an awesome other half of July. See ya soon :)

Twenty Five

Whew today marks the day which I survived 25 revolutions around the sun while living on planet earth! Basically, I turned twenty five haha. I can't believe it, I'm a quarter of century old now :O Meh I don't feel old though. I finally reached the age in which I asked how life will be, back ten years ago haha. Well here I am now, feeling alright, grown up a lot. Still figuring out what life is.

Well today was just another ordinary Monday. Busy as usual, it is usually the busiest day of the week for me. Had a nice dinner with my aunts (my first aunt share the same birthday as me!) and cousins, it was pretty much an enjoyable evening! Such a filling one too. Thank you Osasan for the treat hehe. 

Quite crazy to think that all of my cousins are adults now! Feels like yesterday when we were still kids feeling super excited about birthdays. Well still excited now too haha but in a different way. Excited in a sense like we are all grown ups now. That kind of excitement HAHAHA.

Since today is rather a busy day, I didn't have much time to contemplate as usual. But I did spend the past three days writing on my journal. I've actually decided to list down 25 things I learned in the past 25 years of my life! Well of course there are definitely more than 25, but I just list down the 25 most impactful lessons I've learned I suppose? I'm still currently at 21 so yeah 4 more to go tonight!

I'm going to write here soon, since it's getting pretty late now.

Can't really put into words about turning 25. My life so far has been such an incredible odyssey. Such an epic journey! I've always felt like my life is too interesting to be told into words. Currently I've learned that I should really make the best out of everything that I have. The time, the place, the things that I'm doing, and so on. Because everything that you do now, will definitely get you somewhere.

So let us all enjoy the joy, struggle, confusion and everything else in between of the present moment. They will get us somewhere for sure. Where are we going? Nobody really knows.

Okay let me finish my journal entry first. I'll talk more about the 25 lessons here!

And as always, happy birthday to me.

Twenty Four

 Cheese Roll cake from Pizza Hut from my sister haha

Today I turned 24, another year older and hopefully another year wiser! And today is just another ordinary Sunday. There is delivery to settle, and things to do. Nothing special happened. Except for my grandma and aunt who kindly bought me a delicious fruit and coconut cake, my sister who made me a "cake" out of Pizza Hut's cheese rolls haha and for buying me and my aunt (we share the same birth date) a cake for a mini celebration with my mum, brother and his wife, cousins and aunt.

I'm always and so ever thankful to my family for making this day a special one! <3

Like I said last year, as I grow older, I don't really find any significance in birthdays anymore. I take birthdays as a checkpoint in life. You know, like when you're running a race, there are distance markers as we go along right? Same as that, birthdays are distance markers in this journey of life. A checkpoint in which we think about the things we've achieved, the things we can still improve on in our lives, and last but not least, our dreams, goals and hopes. A day of contemplation of where we are in life.

It feels quite awesome to think that I have spent 24 years on earth. In this weird and beautiful place we call life. So what have I done in the past 24 years? Not much maybe. I still have a long way to go and I'm quite excited to see what life has in store for me. You know it's kinda funny how in some days, I feel so eager and excited about what's ahead of me. And there are days where I wish I can skip whatever that is coming and just jump straight to my retirement haha. Nah, I can't do any of this.

I don't really like to think of my achievements because I believe the road is still a long stretch ahead of me. So yes, I'm proud of where I am now but hmm, I believe I can do greater things in life for this world. I think it's true that the older we grow the less we think about ourselves? Because like I once said growing up means being responsible for yourself and others. So we naturally will think of the others.

And of course I definitely feel that I've changed across my life. Change is the only constant and impermanence is what keeps me going. I just hope that I always change for the better and not the worst heh. Perhaps I've become more hopeful, more patient and I have decided to become more mindful! I think mindfulness if the key to happiness mwahaha. And meditation is my vehicle.

I've also become a vegetarian now. So it took me 23 years to stop eating meat heh. And tomorrow will mark the 200th consecutive days without meat so far. And I will definitely make it to like another 20.000 more days. That will be when I'm 75. That's if I ever make it to this number heh. Perhaps I will, perhaps we won't. Who knows the world will end in 1-74 more years to come. *shrugs*

So yeah, I've made a lot of changes and I think the list will go endless. Sometimes I feel that I won't even realise some of these changes. Maybe other people will. But it doesn't matter much since we're all a vehicle of change. In this constantly changing world, this constantly changing life.

You know what I actually feel like making a post dedicated to the things I've learned in the past 24 years or something like that. Like a thoughtcatalog wannabe. "24 things I've learned after turning 24" Hahaha. Okay maybe not 24, but a handful of them. That's an idea, I might do it!

Alright I'm gonna stop here. Once again I wanna say thank you to my family for their wishes and the mini celebration we had. To all my friends who wished me through WhatsApp, FB Messenger and SMSes. And my parents for giving birth to me, and bringing me up until this beautiful day. Here's to a greater 24 than 23, and an incredible journey ahead of me. Cheers everyone! Happy Birthday to Me.

Happy 50th Birthday Singapore

 Happy 50th Birthday Singapore :)

It's the 9th of August once again and it's Singapore's national day! It's her 50th national day today, and I would like to wish a very happy national day to my Singaporean friends. I think this day will somehow, always be a special day for me. I spent 11 years of my life studying on that sunny island. And celebrating its national day on the 9th of August every year. So yes, I always reminisce the good old days back when I was still studying there. In a place which is always special for me.

Like I once said in my blog, spending 11 years studying in Singapore has made me redefine my definition of the word "home". To me, home is a place in which you have developed an emotional and sentimental attachment to. And Singapore is definitely such a place. I can't help but to develop these attachments from the little moments that I experienced while I was there.

The commute to and from school. Traveling on the bus or MRT, listening to music as I pass by the sights and scenes the city has to offer. The lunch I had, be it in Clementi or Holland Village, or even in school. My beloved schools, Pei Tong Primary, Tanglin Secondary and Singapore Polytechnic. My neighbourhood, Clementi and Holland Village. All of these places, all of these things that I have been doing while I was in Singapore, they definitely formed an emotional and sentimental attachment to me.

I find it very funny sometimes, whenever I remind myself that I actually studied there for a great 11 years. Like when I was born, when I grew up here, I never imagined myself studying overseas. Let alone, studying overseas for that long period of time. But nevertheless, those 11 years is one of the best things that has ever happened in my life so far. Or probably the best thing.

I am also ever thankful for the friendships forged and relationships made. Like my favourite NDP song says, it feels comforting to know that I won't be alone in Singapore. There are people I know, people I can have food with, and people I can talk to. And I think that's what's home to me is - a place where you will never be alone. And I don't have to necessarily feel "accompanied" by the people that I already know. I feel like just by walking around Singapore, I don't feel alone. Because it feels like I can easily blend in with the people. Thank you Singlish! Haha.

When I decided to return home for good, there are some doubts within me. I know for sure, that I am leaving all my friends behind. I didn't really think about it, until some days, I have to swallow the bitterness and realise that hey, I have no friends here hah. Okay well a few of my primary school friends here actually still keep in contact with me - even though it's only by means of communicating via social media. Other than my family, and some people I know rather well - I have no friends here.

And sometimes I really miss those days in Singapore when I can just call someone and ask them if they wanna go for dinner, and an hour later, we'll be somewhere having dinner together. Those days where I will have food/drinks with my friends after classes and so on. Although don't get me wrong, I don't feel lonely here. I have my family around me, and I have gotten myself so busy that I don't even have that much time eating out and stuff haha. So it's alright.

As much as I'm fine being alone, I do miss the company of my friends at times.

Okay I diverged too much here! Anyway, just wanna wish Singapore a happy 50th birthday again! I am still looking for a some days where I can return back. It's been 8 months since I last went to Singapore - the longest time since I left Singapore haha. I can't wait to go back. Hopefully soon!

Selamat Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1436H!

First of all wishing all Muslims around the world a happy Eid or Hari Raya Idul Fitri 1436H! Mohon Maaf Lahir dan Batin! I hope you had a great day with your family and great awesome food haha. I surely had my fair share of food as well. Not forgetting the ketupat! Highlight food of the day.

It is as usual, a very very quiet day in my house and my hometown. Although surprisingly the streets are kind of crowded today. Well I went out with my mum to the supermarket and the temple at 3 PM ish and it was okay, not too crowded. In fact the supermarket parking lot was so empty heh. Then I left for the farm at 5 PM and oh my goodness the roads are crowded with cars. It is definitely more crowded than last year. I remembered going out on first day of Idul Fitri and it was so empty. 

And on our way back, the road was so crowded that the traffic got kind of confusing for us. Okay so we're supposed to make a left turn on this road. But thanks to the car-filled road, it is rather impossible to turn. So I thought that the police closed that road and I had to go straight instead. And somehow lots of cars think that way too and so now there's a long line of car along that road. A trip that is supposed to take 20 minutes to complete, took 50 minutes instead! Man, that's kinda stressful.

But well it is a rather quiet and silent day. And I love it! Cause today I turned 23 and it's so amazing to have my birthday fall on this day. Spending your birthday on a quiet day is really such a bliss heh. Thank you to those who have sent me your birthday wishes! I really appreciate it :)

So today I turned 23. I am feeling... Awesome haha. Can't believe I'm 23 now. Felt like it was yesterday when I turned 15. I am thankful for the past 22. It's been an amazing ride so far, life is beautiful in so many ways. Mysteriously beautiful. I'm still on my quest of finding the answer to the meaning of life. Although I know deeply that I am the only person who gives meaning to my own life. 

Like I said last year, as I grow older, I find birthdays pretty meaningless. Just another day, that's all. When I was young there's this sense of excitement about birthdays. When the clock is about to turn to 12 midnight, there's this rush of happiness and excitement in me. Like yay it's my birthday! But now it's like mehh alright it's my birthday, so what hahaha. Although there's one thing I never stop doing on my birthday - contemplating. About everything that has ever happened, and things that are going to happen, or things you want to make happen in the future. Dreams, aspirations, goals, etc.

Nevertheless I am very thankful of this blissful and quiet birthday of mine this year. If only Hari Raya can fall on this date every year. That would be really really lovely.

Once again Eid Mubarak to all Muslims around the world.

And happy birthday to me.

Twenty two

Today I turned twenty two.

I suppose I feel really thankful that I have went through another year in life, and I must say I went through pretty far. I am thankful that I am given the health and the opportunity to do quite a lot of things in the past one year. And I hope I can go on many more years to come, and learn more things, and do more things of course. Life's too beautiful!

Being twenty two feels pretty normal to me. I mean... I didn't know what to expect either. When I was young I've always wondered how does it feel to be in your twenties. Well here I am now and it feels pretty normal. I kinda realise that as you grow up, especially when you hit your late-tens and twenties, you feel that birthdays become something pretty ordinary. Just another day to commemorate your birth into this world. Perhaps it becomes a time of reflection.

Ever since I entered poly I, spent my birthday contemplating really. Reflecting on the past year, and what I want to achieve in the next, and many more years to come. I think of the purpose of life, because every birthday, or in fact every day, we're just a day closer to death. So I'm thinking of what I want to be, what I want to do in this life. One life of mine.

So today I contemplated. Well still haven't found the answer but I'm hopeful. I'll still hold on to my dreams because I don't know if I can make it through or not, because well no one knows the future really.And only I can make it through, once and for all.

Although today was just an ordinary day, I'm thankful for the company of my aunts and cousins over dinner at the end of this day! But well at the same time I feel pretty sad and shocked to see how much we have all grown up now. The us who once played around are now working or finishing their university studies. The us who once teased about being in love are getting married or engaged soon. Time really flies indeed. We are no longer kids. We're turning to adults.

It's a pretty weird feeling to look at my cousins all grown up now. Feels weird. Perhaps I did not realise how fast time went by. But to be honest, I think I do. Maybe I'm just in denial that we're all grown ups now. Time has to go on, the future has to come and the past got to go. I am accepting it. Nothing stays forever in this world, including our age.

Anyway thank you very much to everyone who has wished me a happy birthday be it through FB, Whatsapp, messages and BBMs, really appreciate that! I had a ordinarily great day, and I am twenty two now. I went though quite a lot in life and I still have a lot to go! Cheers to everyone, here's to an awesome life I'm going to live :)

Happy birthday to me.

21

Right so here I am writing this as an officially-turned 21 year old guy. Sweet! Do I feel special? No. Do I feel weird? No. Do I feel old? No (yes). I suppose turning 21 feels pretty much normal, in fact as normal as how my birthday went. Nothing special except for a nice dinner with my aunts and cousins. It's quite funny how most people take this particular age as a special age. Well perhaps yes because we're mostly "legal" for many stuff now woohoo!

But well yeah I feel pretty much normal I suppose. I see a few of my friends posting "OMG I'm turning 21 next year/month/week/today [inserts sad/shocked/scared face]". Well I guess of course we are all afraid to know that we're growing old every birthday. But hey don't worry you're not the only one turning 21 and neither you're the only one growing old. So cheer up and be happy! We're growing old together weeeee! So don't worry.

Well I guess for me turning 21 is a rather exciting event. Because one, I'm closer to the final destination we're heading to. Two, I can't wait to see how the rest of my life look like. And lastly yeah perhaps about the legal thing. I get to watch R21 movies ouyeah (no please don't judge me haha). Just kidding but yeah I guess we're more able to do more stuff now? That's a nicer way to put it. But well I guess this also means I'm getting involved in the social world.

Paying taxes and thinking about the future. Managing your money and career and so on.

You see whenever my birthday comes, I would see it as a new year. A new beginning. You know like at every year-end I would reflect how the year has been. So just like a "year" at the and of my "age" I reflect on how my "age" has been. So from turning 20 last year I guess I have done quite a lot of stuff till now. Learned a lot and achieved a lot.

I think the biggest achievement of the 20th year of existence would be graduating from Singapore Polytechnic. And to be exact finishing with my Final Year Project (FYP) and worst still soloing it. But of course I'm not alone because I have the guidance from my lovely mentor Dr Simon Tan and the support (both academically and emotionally) from my peers. So 20 was quite a challenging year. But it was all worth it I suppose?

In the twenty was also my first time living alone in Singapore as my sister has previously returned back to Indonesia. Living alone was quite tough at times especially with the homesickness and so on. But was also a fun one because I have to take care of my well being, both in terms of health and mind. Planning my meals, doing things which keep me happy and so on. In the twenty, I discovered the joy and happiness, and the value of being lonely.

Living alone sure has taught you how to be happy by yourself. And how to be create happiness from nothingness and from yourself (thanks to the Dalai Lama book which I read last year, The Art of Happiness). I've had nice moments of being solitary. From going to parks alone, chilling in Starbucks alone and of course the greatest achievement I've had was to travel alone to Bali for my solo graduation trip. Which was really really, a lovely experience.

In the twenty, was also a year of change. Because it is the age where I left Singapore for good after spending 11 years studying there. Which is really a sad parting to do but well, life has to go on. I've decided to head back after earning my diploma to help out my parents. And with this sad fact I'm thankful for everything that I had in Singapore. But most importantly it's the relationship. The Friendship that I have made with so many people here.

Being alone is a nice thing - but knowing you're not alone is better.

Whew, so many things happened in this past year huh? Just one year, from twenty to twenty one. So many things have happened. I too have perhaps changed in a few ways and I think I'm very fine with that. Because change is the only constant in this world. So yeah, there's my point about growing up - you don't know what great and not-so-great things that can happen within one year that will shape you as who you are today. 

A year ago I was blogging in the comfort of my room in Singapore. A year later I'm blogging in the comfort of my room back in my hometown. And hmm I don't know where I will blog next year. In a new house (yeah right I wish)? Maybe overseas? Maybe... I don't know. I guess this is the thing that makes life so exciting. You don't know what's gonna come and how exciting things will be! But at the same time well there are days where we will be afraid of the dark days.

Well I know it's hard but I always try to be optimistic everytime, everyday. Life is never beautiful without some dark days. So yep, I know there will be some dark days and some bright and sunny ones. We just need to learn how to picnic during the sunny days and how to dance in the rain during the stormy days. In this way, then we won't need to be afraid what if there are 3 consecutive dark days ahead of us and that we'll be gloomy for 3 days.

Like my favourite principle of existence in Buddhism, Anicca, nothing is permanent!

And so is life. So live it to the fullest :)

Anyway, I guess 21 is the age of reality. Why do I say so? I guess this is really the age where we face life with a quiet smile and at the same time we are filled with loud doubts. Seems to me like the teenage years (15 - 19/20) are the nice years where we feel that life is so beautiful and that what we wanna do can be so achievable. But when we hit the twentys that's when we realised we're trapped between doing what we love, and doing what we have to do.

21 is the age where many factors will come inside and mix like a beautiful concoction of a harmless poison. In our mind it's still a poison and we're afraid of it. But it's really harmless. It's the age where we consider things very carefully and at the same time we are trying our best for our tongues to taste its sweetness but being surrounded by many bitterness. We're trying to tell ourselves to be happy, to do what we love, and at the same time be filled with doubts.

I guess it's pretty normal really.

I myself have been asking myself the same question, and telling myself the same thing. Seems weird how reality and dreams now are colliding in a beautiful way. Reality tells me that my dreams will not come true but dreams shout a quiet whisper that there's nothing wrong with holding onto them. So yeah, it is also the age where I consider, and think and also find a solution to how I can make reality and dreams something that can intertwine together like a beautiful tapestry.

Sure, I may not do what I want as my head has planned it for the past few years and I've been constantly blocked with many road blocks. My I will still hand onto my dreams like a pollen grain holding tightly to a body of a bee, waiting to be dropped onto a stigma and turn into a beautiful fruit everyone can savour. Because dreams are dreams until they become a reality.

I may not do what I planned to do, but I will keep on doing what I love doing.

So as of now, I'm 21. How will the next year go by, nobody knows. But well 2013 has so far been a year of change. Continuously changing in the most erratically beautiful way. So well yup I can't wait for the year end where I can do another reflection of how this changeful year has been. And yup, I can't wait to see what who I am when I turn 22. It's gonna be interesting and well yeah, funny too cause surely I will read this again next year heh.

Alright I'm 21 now.

And I hope  for a great year ahead, and to become a healthier, wiser and happier person in the year to come. May 21 be a greater one than 20.

And to my friends turning 21 and feeling afraid, or everyone else feeling afraid of growing a number on your age (like everybody else)

Age is just a number

Age is not a label we put on our heads

Age is however a reminder that tells us where we are in this life.

Happy (belated) birthday to me.

Being 20

On being 20....

First of all wishing myself a happy birthday! 20 years I've lived in this world... A beautiful place, a beautiful journey I called life. And I surely have a long way to go, as much as I've ventured a long way too. Today I said goodbye to teenhood and say hello to being an adult. I feel old, I feel that time is flying too quickly. But I know life has to move on. And so will I.

I will walk a stronger, braver and more optimistic. Sure life will get tougher as it reveals itself more to me. As it reveals more to me, its ugly side, its beauty, its ups and downs. I will savour each moment more. And I know I will be a better person walking and venturing this long journey that's ahead of me.

The past 20 years, I've learnt a lot. Gained a lot, lost a few. Just like life itself. I've rode this merry-go-round as I love to call it. Like a merry-go-round, sometimes the horse we ride went up, and down slowly, gracefully. Yet at the end of the day, we will enjoy the ride. A cheerful glee inside out heart burst just like as if we are kids. When we are no longer one.

For the past 10 years I've been spending my birthday in Singapore. Not back at home, with my parents, my family. Though well the early years my brother and sister were in Singapore. I usually felt okay, they would call me through phone to wish my a happy birthday. But then this year it was different. I felt terribly homesick for the past two weeks. And spending my birthday alone was something I didn't expect to be that tough, that challenging. I almost cried last night.

My sister - whom called me at night to wish me a happy birthday and talked with me for a little while. And my mum who specially set alarm clock at 11 PM Indo time just to send me an sms of happy birthday. My sis who sent me an sms at night too. Then my grandma and dad who called me today, listening to them, talking to them just made me feel a whole lot better. Last but not least, my lovely cousins who sent me their wishes through whatsapp and twitter, and Facebook.

It was so tough today afternoon when I called my mum. I almost cried when she sang me a happy birthday song through my phone. But I know I can't. It'll be so embarrassing since I called her in the middle of work. Especially when somehow work gets tough and at times everything felt wrong. Added with my homesickness which I had been having for the past two weeks. Listening to her voice just made me... Sad and yet at the same time it comforts me.

I didn't expect this year to be so tough for me. I've been a fool telling myself hey I can do this. I can spend my 3rd year alone. But I totally didn't expect this to happen. To be so tough just so emotionally burdening. But whatever the case, through my 20 years of existence I've learnt that when the going gets tough, the tough gets going. I have to pull this through no matter how hard.

Plus it's gonna be another month till I'm going back home just for a while.

And of course there are another group of people that made me a whole lot better too. My friends. Whom wished me late at night as well, and early in the morning. From various way of platforms which  I really appreciate your thoughts and act. I was thinking I'm going to feel homesick for the entire day. But thanks to you guys, you made the other way round.

Thanks to Jolene, Carmen, Melissa, Sharon and Weilun for the dinner today. And the awesome macaroon cake! Appreciate it a lot. And also for treating me with the ramen, and Weilun for the mouse ^^ Thank you Kai Xuan and Vithya for the beautiful album. And to also co-ordinate the people for writing the messages for me: Zaki, Syazwani, Saeyeoh, Ms Jesslyn, Nicholas, Yong An, Leon and of course not forgetting Kai and Vithya too. I need an album and so it's awesome!

To my awesome clarinet section for wishing me in whatsapp hahaha (Thanks Jocelyn for starting the wish mwahaha). And basically to everyone who wished me in Facebook, Twitter, SMS, Whatsapp, you call it. Thank you so much for making my day :)

Now that I'm 20, well everyone would love to stay as young as possible, as long as possible. But I know we must grow up too. As much as I know that well, life is going to get tough, so will I. Like a growing bar I'm going to grow with life. If it gets tougher, so will I get tougher. If it becomes more beautiful, I will become beautiful too. I will not give up and I should never.

19 was a great year for me. A year which I get to try many different things. A year which I learnt the most about life, about science and studies. I guess it's really a stepping stone for me to being an adult. And well as much as I've learnt many things in 19, I'm sure I will learn more in 20 too. I will try many more new things, and I hope to become a better someone than I was back a year ago. Like an ugly caterpillar that turns into a beautiful butterfly.

Like a flower we need to grow through the dirty soils. Life's like that. Through the challenges we become a better person. A better individual. Like a knife that sharpens through the friction of a stone. The challenges in life are the ones that make us stronger.

I hope in the coming year, which also co-incidentally falls on my last year in poly, I hope to become a better person, to grow into a better individual, mature better to become an adult. Live my life to the very fullest as always, be as optimistic and strong and brave like the sun. Looking at the brighter side of life cause life is too short, and it doesn't come twice either.

It's practically now or never.

Alright it's getting late at night now. I'm heading to sleep. But once again, thank you everyone for making my day, a beautiful day :) Good night!

And PS:
This birthday, as I was predicting, will be a tipping point.

Happy (belated) birthday to me!

Beautiful sunset, on my birthday. What else can I ask for? :)

Hello! Oh well I was so busy last night (yes I know on my birthday) that I forgot to blog. Stupid me, for forgetting to do so many things last night and so I burnt the midnight oil, and I didn't blog. You know what's the worst thing? To know that your teacher said the next day that the submission date is postponed. RAWRRR but look on the bright side, I'm done! :D

Anyway so yeah, happy birthday to me! Belated it is. 19 years have passed so quickly, sometimes I feel that it's... Pretty short heh. Even though 19 years is pretty long. Funny how we feel one week is so long, yet 19 years so fast. Human nature at its best. Anyway I had a blast! From the pre-birthday celebrations, to the wishes, to everything. Thank you so much people, love you all :)

My birthday itself was alright. I had lunch together with Nivedha at Holland V. We wanted to print and develop our photos but... Poor her, for discovering that.... HAHAHA okay I'm so bad but on the bright side, she learnt something new! Right? Hehehe. Anyway thanks for your present! Love it hehe.

Even though I'm spending my birthday alone, without my friends or family here. I'm pretty thankful that the beautiful sky is accompanying me throughout the day. The sky on Sunday was just so gorgeous and beautiful. It feels like... I don't know. As if the sky is wishing me a happy birthday too :) So thank you, sky.

On Saturday I went with Ahpa and her friends, Huiting, Bao yu and Skai on a trekk on the KTM railway! It was my first, and probably last time there, since they're taking them out. I had a great fun trekking 6 KM long of distance. And I felt so happy to have celebrated my birthday with them, given the fact that we only met for the first time on that day! I'm really touched by that, thank you people! You're all so awesome :)

Photos up on Facebook by the way :)

As for today.... Nothing much, it was an ordinary Monday I guess. And thank you DBS 1.5 for the birthday present! Seriously, how did you guys know I need that kind of pouch! :P It'll come really handy for me, you know how freaking sentimental I am right :P And today we also had out first clarinet tutor session. Whew, tough but worth it heh, I guess that's how I call it.

Alright I think that's all for today. Once again, thank you all people for your birthday wishes, the presents, the surprises, the celebrations and everything. I really appreciate each and every gesture, in any way that you've given to me. Love you all! (Y)

19 years, many more to go. Wishing for a better 19 than 18! (Even though 18 was really awesome) :)

47 more days to Inner Mongolia OCIP!

Happy birthday to me :)

Look how I've transitioned.

Photography by Yours Truly

A small boy, a teen, and a young adult now.

Firstly....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

Wow I'm really old now. 18 years of my life has passed. It's been 18 years since I breathed my first gush of oxygen into my lungs and let it circulate into my blood. Wow.... Awesome or what. Anyway I'm really happy that I'm 18 now! Not that I'm able to watch M18 movies but... HAHAHA

I'm really happy because it shows how I have endured 18 years of my life. It may be considered as something short and unimportant. But to me every moment of my life is something. No matter how unimportant it is. It still matters to me. And this 18 years of my life, have taught me lots of things. And it shall carry on till I heave my last breath.

Today was an awesome day. Met up with Neal, Jes and Ade at Clementi. After spending sometime with no luck of getting a taxi, we finally cabbed to Taka with a very very interesting driver haha. Ate at Coca? Not bad for a steamboat. But I think made a wrong choice for the soup base...

Anyway after that we decided to go to Marina Barrage, since only Jeslyn had only went there and we have not. It was awesome there. Lots of people, blue skies and... We can "sneak" to see the NDP preview! :D

Left the barrage at night at about 8 plus. Seriously, they must increase the number of intervals of busses that leave for MB and Marina bay station. Seriously. And something went wrong with Neal's tummy so he decided to go home first. Get well soon!

Met up with Wei Qi to eat dinner at the HK cafe. And we talked about lots of things hehe. And after that home sweet home!

Sigh, time flies really really quickly. My 18 years of my life fly at this really really quick time huh? So far this is the best birthday I've celebrated in Singapore! Cause I remember when I was in sec 1, I was in band practice for a concert the next day. When I was in sec 2, I was admitted to hospital, thanks to my spleen infection. When I was in sec 3, I had a RHD skit rehearsal. And last year, I had a throat infection haha!

It's been a wonderful, bittersweet, lovable, awesome, amazing 18 years. The dictionary won't be able to describe it, for it is a mixture of words, rather than single words being put together. Life is just awesome and amazing at times. I was born, and I am now 18. Weird huh?

Alright that's all for this wonderful birthday! Would like to thank my family, the 199 of you who had wished me through facebook and those who wished me through phones. And everyone who had made this day such an awesome day! Really tired now so... Bed time! See ya :D

Life is amazing and funny.

Hello people, today didn't go for Math Focus cause I was still having fever... Haha nope, actually I don't have fever in the morning! Nah I'm not trying to play truancy or whatever but I was just being "safe" because it wouldn't be funny if I have to go home in the middle of the math test right?

Anyway yeah I'm feeling better today. I think I should owe my thanks to this medicine my sis bought in Indo, it's like a fever medicine. I ate it on last night's midnight and... The next day (today) I feel much much better. My fever dropped (the last time my temp was 37.1) but I still have my sore throat, and a little cough.

Oh yeah I was touched too, my sis and cousins surprised my on Friday on twelve midnight! With a cake! Haha. And something else too... Super shocking one....



Yeah the cake itself is a shocking one, cause I was watching TV and suddenly my sis and cousins popped out with a birthday cake but there's one more....



Yes, it's an ipod touch!!!!

My sis bought it as my present! Oh my God lah this is so surprising and shocking and flabbergasting and astonishing and heart blowing and this is one of the best gifts I have ever received in my life! Wow ipod touch! OMG OMG

Anyway yeah that's the highlight I get from my 17th birthday, apart from my sickness. So well I'm kind of sad, because I just got reminded myself about my... HOMEWORK. How many tons of homework I have... A lot!

Alright I guess that's all for today and yesterday. See you then!

You know what? Stop pissing me off