Thirty

Right, the day is finally here. I'm finally 30! Am I dreading this day? Not really. Although yes I've been jokingly telling people that I'm 18 hah. I'm just really both shocked and fascinated at how fast time is flying. Like I'm 30 now? Whew. Did I just spend 3 decades here on earth haha.

I don't really know how to feel today. There isn't much inspiration and thoughts that I have. I was expecting to sit in front of my laptop feeling inspired on what to write but not really. You see I feel that as I grow older, I don't see celebrating your birthday as a necessity. I just see it as another ordinary day. A day when you were born. And as I grow older I realised, what's so special about this day?

I used to think that it's a day where you celebrate your milestones or what you have achieved all these years. But I no longer see the point of this either. Now, in fact, I feel that life is getting tougher as time passes by. So I did ask myself like... What's there to celebrate really.

I feel more of a sense of gratitude, fatigue and wonder, that I manage to go through another year. In the past 365 days, I did go through some dark patches. Questioning my existence and wondering why I'm here. I think it's quite a journey. The past 30 years have been quite an odyssey.

I guess growing old wasn't as picturesque as I imagined it to be. Three decades of being human felt incredibly tiring, with the past decade being the toughest in my opinion. But it is also the one where I learned the most. Where I made friends with reality. Where I learned a lot about this world, about money, about life. And most importantly, I have learned a lot about myself.

In the past 3 decades, I have experienced my fair share of dark and rough days. Yet I have also experienced its triumphs and happiness. So I just pray that I have the strength to carry on, to move forward. There are days where life feels like an endless of suffering. But there are also many days where I'm reminded of impermanence. So I guess you just have to hold on.

I just love to remind myself that perhaps there are still things that I've yet to know. Places that I've yet to see. And stories that I will have to write. And I guess, I just need to learn how to bear the unbearable!

Am I excited for the years ahead? Yes. Am I afraid for what's coming? Yup. Do I have to just stop and do absolutely nothing? Hell no! I guess I'll just have to learn to be more mindful of everything as usual. We'll just learn our ropes as we go along. And along the way we'll be a better, stronger, wiser and most importantly, more mindful person! Because this life is a merry-go-round. 

You just gotta enjoy the ride sometimes.

Oh well it's been a wild wild ride these past 30 years. Here's to a better, stronger, wiser and more mindful next 30 years! Anyway if I can sum up these 30 years, I guess life is the art of showing up uninvited to a party that you didn't know exist. And as always, if I can sum life in 6 words:

it will always find a way.

Happy birthday to me.