TIL - Examinations

It's been 4 years since I left school and entered the working world. Or the real world. I'm not even working, more of like managing things? And I'm still learning from my dad and siblings and relatives. Like I said once in a previous post a few years ago, life after school still feels like a school.

In school, we can all expect a major examinations once every semester, and not so major ones every three months. And once we finish these exams, we can enjoy a break. Sometimes we still have assignments on the breaks but well still manageable. But in life, we don't know when we are going to sit for an exam. Sometimes once every three months, then in a month's time, or in a week's time!

And in school we have teachers who helped us and guided us through our journey as we work hard towards our exams. And after the exams, we are also graded to see how well we did. In life there are "physical" teachers who are present to help and guide us. But sometimes, there aren't. Experiences taught us to be a better person. And in life, how are we graded? How do we know if we do well or not?

My dad always says, whether you did something right or wrong, just see how smooth-sailing your life is. Like the things you did and the things you did to other people, if you ended up getting something rough in return, then you're probably doing something wrong. Kind of like karma.

There are a lot of times when I meet people who are unsure of what they are doing in life. And even if they do, they are still unsure if they're doing it right. Sometimes I ask myself the same question too. For me, who works in agriculture, I have no choice but to wait for three months to see results. Cause I got to see if things work or not. How well my flowers grow etc. In other fields, the results will be faster. Sometimes you just have to wait, cause life will definitely give the answer to you.

So yeah I think that's the biggest difference that I felt after leaving school. And life after that. I don't seem to get a break. There's no "holiday" to look forward to. Although it sounds sad, there are times where it feels exciting. The idea that anything can happen and how dynamic life is. Well always take good breaks. But always remember that life is a school itself. We all learn. Until we die.

Can't believe October is here tomorrow! Yup, like I always believe, when you step into September, the year will just go by even more quickly haha. Well hope September has been treating you well. Let's end off 2017 is a grand and sweet way. Here wishing you a wonderful October ahead! :)

Spiraling

Alright time for the great music I discovered in September! Not many but they are awesome.

Great Music of September:

- Persephone by Yumi Zouma

- Depths (Part 1) by Yumi Zouma

- The Greatest by Raleigh Ritchie

- Keep It Simple by Raleigh Ritchie

- Split Stones by Maggie Rogers

- Spiraling by Mesita

- Somewhere Else by Mesita 

Song of The Month: The Greatest by Raleigh Ritchie

Alright. So Yumi Zouma announced last month that they'll be releasing a new album Willowbank on the 6th of October next month! They released 4 singles so far and I love every song. They are so so good. Today they announced that we can stream the album on Hype M and I just gave it a listen and oh my goodness is such an sweet sweet album. I can't wait for my vinyl to arrive soon! :D

I discovered Mesita a few months ago from Majestic Casual, through his song Compliments. I followed him on Facebook and YouTube, but didn't really give his music a proper listen. I decided to pop by his YouTube channel where he has videos of him recording himself live, while playing every instrument! I think he's really talented. I went to buy a few of his music on Bandcamp and I'm falling in love with his music now. I think he has a great road ahead of him and I'm excited for it.

Maggie Rogers released a new song called Split Stones which she described as sort of a parting song of her "previous chapter" in music, as she enters a new one! Well she's a great artist that I discovered this year and I'm very excited for her "new chapter". She's such a cool person and a great song writer.

Last but not least it's Raleigh Ritchie, who is Jacob Anderson.... Who plays Grey Worm in Game of Thrones! So I did read an article last year about him that says he's actually a singer. I didn't know he actually has an album out. And so one day last month, I was on YouTube when his video for "The Greatest" was inside my recommended tab. And I was like isn't this Grey Worm HAHA. And yes, I discovered his music and I really love his first album "You're A Man Now, Boy". I think all twenty-something kids need to listen to this album. Excited to hear more of his music! :)

Also I'm feeling a bit worried. So I actually ordered Raleigh's album through Amazon UK in mid August. It was supposed to arrive on the 4th of September but it actually just arrived last week! I've also ordered Lana Del Rey's new album, and an album from Cigarettes After Sex, and they have not arrived. I'm worried that they are lost somewhere haha. But receiving Raleigh's album kinda gave me hope. Well I just hope for the best. It should arrive soon, maybe it's delayed by another week.

Alright that's all for the great music of September! There are a few albums I'm excited for in October. Yumi Zouma (listened to it already now aha) and Lenka! And also hoping for more album releases I'm hoping before the year ends. Sam Smith has something up in his sleeve mwahaha. Alright see you in October then! Hope you're enjoying some great music wherever you are too :)

Anhedonia

Anhedonia - the inability to find pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable.

This word perfectly describes what I've been feeling the past couple of weeks. I just feel very very moodless at times. I thought it's just the hormones and stuff. When I feel moody, most of the time I would just go and watch funny YouTube videos, or random videos, listen to music and so on. And then I would feel better again and life seems to get back to normal. But nowadays things feel very different.

The problem is, I don't even feel like doing the things above! It's really like I just want to be moodless. I don't want to do anything. Not even like "trying to make myself feel better". 

It's like this. Sometimes when I'm moody, I just don't want to do anything. Now it feels like I've reached a level where I don't even want to not-do anything, yet at the same time I don't want to do things.... 

Yes. Get what I mean? Haha.

I just want to feel numb from these feelings. Like I want to disappear and melt away into thin air and not feel anything. Things got kinda worst on Tuesday where I just shut down my laptop, lay on my bed and just not do anything. I was staring blankly on the ceiling. No music, nothing. This went on for about 30 minutes, before I put on my headphone and then go to sleep without realising.

Well indeed there were a lot of things on my mind this week. And things are kinda settling down. I suppose I just need to take a breather. Wish I can forget life for a while. Just for a while.

Alright this is a really random post. Moving on to music tomorrow! :)

September Rain

Rejoice rejoice! For it's been four days since we've been blessed with rain haha. It was a bloody hot week last week with the sun shining strongly and the clouds gathering every afternoon. It's humid, it's warm it's so stuffy urgh. Also we're running out of water, like my house doesn't receive water till 5-6 PM ish, cause we gotta ration the water according to areas etc. The dry season is real.

We did have like drizzles here and there in the past weeks but meh, doesn't really do much. Also the plants in my house are dying cause they don't receive enough water. And since the only time we have water is at night, my dad and I sometimes water them. But then again, we don't have enough water!

So yeah it's a pretty awesome thing to have rain in the past 4 days. The grass have turned green again and the air feels refreshing. Also the weather has been cooler (obviously). 

Which kinda reminds me of my days in Singapore. Well in a similar and different way. For the past 3 days I've been feeling really cold when I wake up cause the air is cold thanks to the rain. It really reminds me of my days in Singapore, during the primary/secondary school era! How I would wake up feeling really cold in the morning (due to the aircon). And I would err snuggle myself in bed after I bathe. And this is 80% of the reason why I was late to school hahaha.

Although in the late secondary school days, I don't do this cause I decided to get more sleep.

So my daily routine will go like this: I would wake up at 5:30 AM, shower, pooped and brushed my teeth till about 5:45 AM. Have breakfast till 6, and I would.... Watch TV while snuggling on my bed with my blanket cause it's so cold haha. And then leave house at 6:30 to catch the 6:40 bus. Yup. But in sec 3 onwards I ended up waking up at 6, and have breakfast on my way to school/in school.

I know, this is a weird routine haha.

But yeah the past 4 days really reminds me of these days! These silly days. How I would snuggle under the blanket in Singapore before going to school haha. I seriously can't believe it's been 9 years.

Arrows and Flowers

Here's just a random short post about one of my favourite stories in Buddhism.

So when the Buddha was meditating under the Bodhi Tree, Mara came with his army and instructed them to shoot flaming arrows on the Buddha. However these arrows turn into flowers, as they fall gently in front of the Buddha. I'm pretty sure that the Buddha doesn't have the ability to turn arrows into flowers. But I think it's a beautiful metaphor that we can learn in our daily lives!

There are times when people would say/do mean things to us. Things that hurt us and offend us and so on. I think this story is telling us that we can let these words or actions be arrows that stab our heart. Or we can also turn them into arrows that fall gently inside our heart.

So well, here's me wishing that at the end of our lives, may our hearts be filled with scattered flowers.

Weird Dreams

This is a really random post, but I had a really weird dream last night. Also scary.

Like all dreams, I don't know how it all began. All I knew was I was in Singapore and I was staying in an Airbnb. The house is an ordinary house and it was near Pandan Valley. The owner of the house live there as well and the resident of the house was the landlady, her son and daughter. But somehow her children are not close with her, they were very cold. But the landlady was nice to me!

Somehow somewhat, I got thrown away out of the house and left behind on the roadside. And then the landlady put a cardboard on top of my body saying "Pregnant at 11 weeks" HAHAHA WTF. People looked at me in disgust and just walked off without caring about me. So sad. And then the son of the landlady came to me and turned out his mother was suffering from a mental illness and he, and his sister, was trying to get rid of her out of the house. And suddenly I felt really sad.

He brought me in again and I woke up. And then I fell asleep again.

I dreamt again but it was a whole new dream.  I was driving in the middle of the forest with my family. There was my parents, my siblings and aunts and uncle. We were all apparently in a holiday? And somewhere in Korea hah. So we checked in to the resort and it was just an ordinary day. Then came a lady who claimed to be someone who practiced traditional Korean medicine. She offered to do acupuncture on my two feet and I said sure. And she was really good, I felt no pain!

And then the nightmare begins, I forgot that my feet were having needles on them. So I stepped on my foot and realised the needles were piercing more inside my skin. One of them actually bent and tore my skin apart. However I felt no pain at all and that lady was like "see I'm good right?" -.-"

And eventually I plucked the needles one by one and I woke up again. That's all.

It was really a weird dream. Couldn't really understand how these dreams came about. Except for the second part! The second part might be explained with me plucking stones/metal scraps on my sandal which got stuck inside, and it hurts when I walk. So I was plucking them yesterday. As for the pregnant and Airbnb part, I'm not so sure haha. Oh well dreams are just amazingly... Weird.

Alright I'm gonna start a new series called Dream Diaries! If I ever remember my dream that is. I think I did something like this a few times before. Should try to label these posts! Alright that's all for my random post. I hope you enjoy it. Here's to more... Beautiful dreams haha.

Painters

Continuing from the previous post...

We are all great painters on this great canvas of emptiness.

With impermanence as our paint.

And time as our brush.

A few years back I wrote something along this line. But it was more towards words. I think I wrote: We're all writing on our book of life with time as our ink. So we gotta write as many stories before we run out of ink. I think that's pretty straightforward haha.

This is some sort of extension to those words. I think by painting things with impermanence as our paint, we'll be reminded of the idea that whatever we create will one day disappear too. That we're gonna leave everything behind. This is pretty much Buddhism-related. Emptiness and impermanence.

In Buddhism, we're taught to see the empty nature of reality. That everything in life has a mark of emptiness. We're born into this world, into this life, which also bears the mark of emptiness. And whatever things we "put" into our lives, will one day disappear because they're impermanent in nature.

Most of the time we fail to see both of these things. We don't see the empty nature of phenomena and we believe that things are permanent. Permanence is quite a dangerous state. In bad times, it will lead us to believe that we're stuck in a horrible state forever. In good times, it will lead us to an illusion that everything is perfect. Once we see impermanence, we'll also see emptiness.

So this canvas of emptiness coexists with this paint of impermanence. The idea that we'll understand, whatever we put into this world, this canvas, will one day disappear. Our thoughts, feelings, pride, and everything else, they don't stay forever. Does that sound comforting to you?

Impermanence doesn't mean that it will appear and disappear forever. As a colour subsides, another one appears. And they are all in constant motion. And as I said in the previous post, our ego are struggling to keep these colours intact. They refuse to accept the impermanent state of these colours but eventually, they still subside. If we don't kill our ego, we'll eventually be tired of trying to keep these colours to remain. As their nature is to eventually disappear in this canvas.

Train your mind. You'll see these colours appear, and subside, and appear again. See through the illusion of permanence and let impermanence create the most beautiful art you'll ever see.

We are the great painters, 

of this great canvas of emptiness.

With impermanence as our paint

Places We Wander

So I came up with this line last week....

Often times, we let our mind wander
to places it shouldn't be in.
As our ego quietly whispers
"Stay here, this is where you belong"

I was inspired by the idea of meditation. How a lot of times, we let our mind wander everywhere. And the purpose of meditation is to train it so it doesn't run like a wild baboon in Africa. When we are not meditating, we're not really aware of where we our minds are. We let them go everywhere too. Sometimes in places that it shouldn't be in. And I'd like to equate this with suffering. 

And then there are times where our mind arrives in a place it should be in. But we don't want to leave, and I'd like to equate this with desire. A false illusion.

So yeah there are times our mind is in a place it shouldn't be in - when there are other far more beautiful places that it can be in. But as the Buddhist teaching of impermanence goes, these beautiful places don't stay forever either. When we don't want to leave such a place, although we know that it's not gonna last forever, that's when our desire kicks in. If you get what I mean.

At the same time, these places are actually created by our minds. It's like a projection of places that we create for our mind to travel to. Naturally, just like everything else, these places are impermanent. And our ego is trying really hard to keep this place intact, so that our mind can stay here as long as it wants. But as our ego struggles hard, the place dissipates and then we're awake from that illusion.

Have you ever experienced that uncomfortable feeling you get after you're angry about something? Usually you felt it for hours, or even days. This is when your ego is trying to keep this "angry palace" intact inside of you. And it's pretty tiring isn't it. And then after a few days you felt okay again, and you learn to let things go. That's when your "palace" is destroyed and your mind is off to somewhere new.

However when you learn to train your mind, your mind will be equipped with the idea of impermanence. Your mind will know which places to go and which places to avoid. And when your ego tries to convince your mind to stay, your mind naturally leaves because it knows it is up to no good.

We are all great painters on this great canvas of emptiness.

With impermanence as our paint.

And time as our brush.

To be continued!

Mock

 Vegan!

So on Sunday when we were having the 7th month prayer here at home, I posted a photo of a vegetarian braised "pork" dish on my insta-story. And one of my friends sent me a message telling me that these mock-meats are actually unhealthier than real meat, so if I'm a vegetarian cause of health reasons, I should stop eating them and go back to meat. But if it's for animal concern then no worries.

Well it's true. My dad always asks me what goes inside this mock meats, as they look like real meat. Well they definitely don't taste like meat though. All I know is that most of them are made from gluten (seytan). Some are made from soy. For example the braised "pork" is made from soy and konyaku. The fat part is made out of konyaku and the meat is from soy. At least that's what I tasted.

Since they're made out of gluten, they are practically carbs right hahaha.

To be frank I actually don't like mock meats cause they taste weird haha. Except for the ones from Dharma Kitchen which tastes really good. I'm more of a vegetables and tofu kind of guy. I really love veggies. I can't eat without them. I need them in every meal! Haha. So yeah it isn't much of a problem for me. As a vegetarian I'll eat anything, as long as it doesn't contain meat!

But hmm I'm not sure if I agree with the statement that it's unhealthier than meat. Okay maybe those store-bough ones are. Cause you don't know what they put inside. Lots of preservatives perhaps, and colourings and whatever. But if you make your own "meat", I'm 100% it's healthier than meat haha. Not only it does not contain cholesterol, and that it contains less fat, it is also loaded with nutrients!

I don't make my own mock-meats but I like to make "scallops" out of tofu, burgers out of chickpeas/beans, and meatballs from tofu as well. I've yet to make another veggie burger. And how about those beet burgers! They look like meat right haha. But yeah that's what I think.

Someone once asked me why we vegetarians still eat mock-meats. Does this mean that we still miss meat? That we crave for them? Hmm well not for me. To me the idea of eating mock-meats is to tell people that like hey you can still enjoy food without killing animals. It's not that we crave meat. It's the idea that we don't want to eat meat, therefore we go creative to think of alternatives mwahaha.

Some vegetarian chefs are so crazily creative really! Their creations are truly amazing.

Okay this is a really random post about mock-meats haha. Been meatless for 1.5 years now and I'm still enjoying it! The idea of going back to meat has never crossed my mind. I'm even thinking of going vegan soon... I'm not ready for it though haha. Maybe when I live by myself so as to not trouble my mum. But anyway I've been avoiding both dairy and eggs so far! Hope I'll go further <3

Weekend Everyday

I think we should all create a word that describes the moment you go to bed on Saturday night, realising that tomorrow is Sunday and that Monday is coming after that. The moment of despair and sadness realising the weekend is going to be over really soon. Well like I always say, I don't have such things as weekends cause I always have things to do. So I don't feel that bad. But still, a bit sad haha.

I think we should call it Satun - Satur + Sun. It sounds like satan. Like as if the satan is laughing at you as you go to bed, enjoying the despair you feel about the fact that the weekend is ending haha.

I've always believed that we all need a three-day weekend. Say we have a new day called Sarnday. And this should be between Saturday and Sunday. Saturday will be spent winding down after a long week. Sarnday will be dedicated to doing things that we all want and not need. And Sunday is a day where we prepare for the coming week. And on Satuday and Sunday you can do whatever you need to do. Running errands, grocery shopping, whatever. That's the ideal weekend isn't it!

Anyway it was Hari Raya Haji on Friday so we did enjoy a holiday. Holidays here do feel different. The factory isn't opened and the day thus feels slower in a sense. So yeah as I went to bed last night (or this morning, at 6:30 AM to be exact), I did feel a tinge of sadness. Like oh, the long weekend is coming to an end. Another week is coming. Right....

Today was a special day because we were doing the 7th month prayers and so my family gathered together. So it was a Sunday that I looked forward to. And yes, I did feel sad that it's over.

Today reminds me of a long weekend that I once went through back in Singapore. And if I'm not wrong it was Hari Raya Haji too, and it fell on a Friday as well. I remember I pleasantly enjoyed that long weekend because I have finished all my work and I literally have no work to do on that weekend! I enjoyed it pretty much, wasting time away watching TV, going for tea outside, grocery shopping, cooking, my evening run on Sunday. I loved it! And yes, I felt sad on that Sunday night.

But I remembered on that night, I did tell myself that I shouldn't feel sad because I felt so energised by the end of that long weekend because I get to chill. It was indeed a good deserving break. And I also asked myself a question, why do we have to only feel this way on long weekends/normal weekends? Can't we all take breaks at the end of each day and feel similarly good too?

Well of course it isn't fair to compare a long weekend with a regular weekday. Not only the difference is huge (24 vs 72 hours), but also we are much more occupied as well. But I came across that thought, what if we are able to treat everyday like the weekend. Putting aside some time to recharge as we prepare for the new day coming ahead of us. Doesn't sound possible but well maybe it is.

I always have things to do on weekends. So the only time where I get to relax and unwind is Saturday nights. I would spin my favourite records, drink some booze, listen to my favourite music, read books etc. Similar to my dad, his favourite time is also Saturday night. And we both wish we could freeze this time and make it as long as we can. But well time moves on, always.

So yeah I guess maybe we should always try to set aside some time to relax on each day. And try to treat this time as our "weekends" on our weekdays. Perhaps we would feel less sad when the weekends are coming to an end. As always, remember not to be ignorant at the amount of time that we have. Make full use of these 24 hours. Take good breaks and take care of your soul!

Have a great week everyone. May September be supreme!

Nine!

Whew, today marks the ninth year that I've been blogging here! So happy birthday to my dearest blog, can't believe we've been together all these nine years. Thank you as always, for being a friend I can "talk" to and of course, for being a place where I can talk to myself without anyone judging that I'm insane! For being a listening ear and for being a place that stores my memories and thoughts.

Well I'm one year away from accomplishing my goal of blogging for a decade haha. To be honest I never really expected myself to go this far. I suppose it's really the joy of writing that keeps me going (Thanks Mrs Lee!) and also just the idea that I want to write my memories as much as I can.

It's actually quite amazing to see how much I've changed all these years. Please I beg you do not read my first posts LOL. I'm just a young kid with raging hormones back then. From documenting my school life, to reflecting on things and now, simply a place where I write down my thoughts and also document my life. Which is not as interesting as my school life haha. But I still make the best out of it!

I'm not gonna lie but I realised that it's getting kinda "tough" for me to blog as I move forward. Not only that I don't have much to talk about, I also realise I talk about the same things sometimes heh. Which is why I've been including "segments" that I will write every month. From music, to things I learned etc. Apparently I failed badly about my favourite things segment haha. Should include them!

I suppose the fun of it is that I really just blog whatever I wanna blog. And I don't really care whether people read it or not. After all I am the only person who probably reads back my blog. This is like an online journal after all. And I still keep a journal as well. And this keeps me going too!

I used to have that goal of blogging forever but well we'll see about that. As of now I really want to hit my goal of blogging for ten years. After that, we'll see where life takes me. I might not be blogging forever but I will always blog whenever I can. Even if it means once a month. Or once every three months. But I hope not really, I think that defeats the whole purpose of blogging isn't it.

Well I'm just gonna stop here. Once again thank you my dearest Clouds of Sunday (previously Life Symphony) for these wonderful 9 years! Here's to writing more stories in the years to come. As we ride on the vehicle of impermanence that keeps us going. Love you! 

And to everyone who reads my blog once in a while, thank you!