Endings // Beginnings

July has been a month of endings and beginnings for me. As I close off a chapter, I know I'm embarking on a new one. Hasn't officially started but it's looming over the horizon. I guess this is what life is? A constant continuation of journeys, endings and beginnings - until death.

But I guess like I believe, everything has an ending but all endings are also beginnings.

I think one of the most beautiful events in life is the evolution of a butterfly. From a caterpillar to a pupa to a butterfly. The pupa may look like something uninteresting and plain, but we know that it's a start of something beautiful. A new stage of life. And as Lhasa de Sela says, birth may seem like a very chaotic process. The breaking of a pupa into a butterfly may seem like an arduous struggle. But we all know that they are supposed to go through this process to step into a more liberating stage.

I guess it's normal to feel overwhelmed at the things that are happening to us in life. But one has to also remember that we don't know which "stage" of life that we are at. No one knows what's next. Perhaps we're all a pupa now, waiting to break free and be liberated out.

I guess it's not easy finding peace in a sea of uncertainty. Let alone finding calmness in an everchanging life - where we don't know where we're heading to next. Which stage are we in now? How will life be? What stage is next? Finding peace in the midst of these questions is a challenge - but not impossible.

And I think this is my biggest lesson of the past 3 years. To find peace in wherever I need to be in. With the knowledge that this is life -  a place of absurdity where sometimes things just don't make sense. Yet I also find comfort that somehow things always fall into place; 

whether or not they fall in places that I want them to fall in to.

Thirty One

Right so today I turned thirty one. And seriously it's the most basic, normal day ever haha. I guess as I grow older birthdays are really just a normal day. It's not some special days. Perhaps with the tiny celebration and wishes and so on, but mostly it's just another day. Also maybe cause of work.

And that today is a Monday.

I guess despite today being a normal day, I do feel thankful and reflective too, of all of these years that I went through. Especially the past 3 years. The three years that nobody wanted to go through but here here we are now! I'm thankful for all of the lessons, and everything that I went through.

Although I do have to say that 31 is a special year for me. Cause I am closing one chapter of my life, while a new one is dawning upon me. It's a weird chapter and part of my life. But I guess this is life.

I think having one more number increased in your age makes you think how incredible, absurd and amazing life is. And I think life is the art of processing all of this together. Making sense of things even though sometimes you don't know how to make sense of it all. Isn't this life in its best?

Confusing, remarkable and empty.

I think I've been struggling with some sort of existential crisis in the past few years. I've been struggling with the idea of being here. Like why am I here even though I didn't ask to be here (no one asks too). But well I guess this year I have accepted the fact that yes perhaps life is indeed meaningless.

But we can do something about it!

Despite all this meaninglessness, I feel that there lies an energy, a driving force that can turn this all around. Sure life is meaningless, but what can we do with it is all that matters.

We can choose to lament at this tragedy of being here, or we can also make the best out of our time here. At the end of the day we're human beings. We don't have a lot (or no) control about many things. But part of this life? Our mind? We surely can control them.

I guess I want to spend 31 celebrating the absurdity of life. Despite all the challenges, the things that don't make sense, hey, I'm here. And I guess that's incredible enough to keep me going.

As always I'd like to remind myself that there are many things I've yet to see.

Many stories I've yet to write, and many places I've yet to be in.

Happy Birthday.

Last Delivery

Just a short post today but... Today we did our last flower delivery to Jakarta. After ten long years, this day is finally here. A bit sad and weird to go through this, but well I've been preparing myself for this day since May, where I went to Jakarta to "bid farewell" with my customers.

As much as I believe in impermanence, I never knew today would come this quick.

But I guess, everything I'm going through is preparing me for what I've been asking for.