Saturday 31 December 2016

In 2016...

Looking back....

As usual, it's the dawn of the last day of 2016. 366th day of the year, here we are finally.

Whew, twenty sixteen. I don't even know where to begin. This year has been such a whirlwind, a wonderful ride. I always enjoy looking back at the past year but not in this year. It's funny though how when we had a challenging year, we won't call it a good year nor a bad year. We won't call it good because of the challenges but we won't call it bad because we pulled through everything.

2016 is the busiest year that I've ever went through. We had an expansion at the farm, and we opened a new shop. I am still helping out at the factory and at the same time, I am helping out at the printing shop. I am quite proud that I managed to pull through everything this year. I've definitely learned a lot and I'm happy that I did. The challenges that I faced have shaped me as who I am today.

I used to be able to do whatever I want after dinner time. I would go back to my room, meditate, and then do whatever I want. Be it blogging, watching YouTube videos and so on. But not this year. There are always things to do, and most of the time I'm left with only one hour of "free time" before I go to bed. Well like as if there's a lot that I like to do, but it just feels so bizarre how busier I got this year.

But through this busy times, I learned a lot about finding the rhythm in life. What I don't like, I will change. And I will change until I found the right one. Just by simply changing your time slots and working habit can make a huge change. And by spreading your workload, you'll really feel the difference. I think this is what being adult is all about. Prioritising, and just making sure that you'll get work done and at the same time, you get some break too. No longer doing everything on impulse.

2016 tests my patience, or our patience a lot. I feel that throughout the entire year, we're being put in a situation in which there's nothing, I mean literally nothing, we can do but wait. It is a very horrible situation to be in because we're humans after all. We cannot predict the future and most of the time when we try to predict them, we ended up suffering instead. Because it may not turn out to become what we want. And this doesn't relieve any suffering but actually add more to it.

Which is why the biggest lesson I learned from 2016 is to really hold on to emptiness. To see everything as it is, without twisting, adding and reducing any facts to it. I've become a much happier person because I managed to not add any other unnecessary sufferings. Or at least... I've become a more neutral person in most situation. Where I know that I won't have to feel happy nor sad about things. Which may cause more unnecessary sufferings to myself. It is weird really.

And through this whole period of waiting I learned to never give up on your hope. Remember that we can always meet with an ocean of disappointments, but never lose a single grain of sand of hope.

I have also been financially struggling in this year. Not in terms of my own personal money but the business. I'm not sure if this should be considered a wrong move, I was helping someone after all. But at the end of the day life will always find a way. Although it was a pretty financially challenging year, somehow somewhat I always get help. In the most surprising way! I remember how in June I didn't even have enough money to pay the electricity bill of the farm. But out of a sudden my customer just transferred me his payment and I'm saved. Angels in disguise, everywhere!

Which brings me to the next lesson I learned. That kindness and stupidity are two of compassion's greatest children. Treat them with sincerity, and their mother will take care of your. 

But at the same time I also learned that it is important to be ambitious. But it's more important to be ambitious within your limit. Screw those people who "encourage" us to forget about our "limit" and that we should have limits as high as the sky, or even the galaxies. We are humans. In Islam there's a term called ajal which means limit. We all have our own limit. And it's good to know them.

Through the adversities I faced this year, I've learned a lot about living in the moment. I have changed my definition of it. I have learned to be happy wherever I am. To celebrate every moment and savour every breath that I have. Celebrating times of triumph and the lessons I learned in times of adversities.

I've learned more about the art of happiness. How we should all be happy because really, at the end of our lives we'll all be laughing at the amount of time we wasted being unhappy! So be happy, because one day we will no longer be able to. Be happy because one day everything will come to an end.

But after two years of doing meditation, I've found something more important than being happy. It is to be mindful. To be aware of our feelings, our thoughts, our speech and our action. This is why I don't want to be the happiest person in the world. I want to be the most mindful mwahaha.

And without the need to explain again, this year I've learned that I can definitely live without meat.

Well alright alright, 2016 is a challenging year. But there are wonderful things that happened too. My Tibet trip and the birth of my nephew whom we've been waiting for a long time heh. 

My trip to Tibet in April is truly the most amazing journey I've embarked on in my life. Not only that Tibet is inside my bucket list, but the things I did and the sights I've seen, in that short 10 days is truly a life-changing experience. A spiritually enlightening and liberating experience, an adventure of a lifetime. The devotion, compassion and resilience of the Tibetans will stay with me forever.

Also I managed to see Mt Everest how cool is that!

Whew, to be honest as I'm writing this right now. It feels very overwhelming. Emotionally, psychologically and in every aspect. 2016 has been such an arduous journey but I am happy and proud that we pulled through it. I thought 2012 was a tough year but here comes 2016!

But like I said on the last day of 2015 (fuck that's 366 days ago!), I believe that every year is the best year that we are going to have. Just like how we only have one life. There will only be one 2016. Although I have faced a lot of challenges this year, I knew at the end of everything I have learned a lot too. And they have definitely left a positive impact on me, and hopefully make me wiser.

Every year, we have to get better. No  matter how small or big our progress is. We only have this life, and this year. So let's change for the better. Don't let anything bring you down, learn from your mistakes, and that's how we get better every year. There is no way but up. 

Even if we go down, we gotta get back up again. As always.

Well 2016, you've been fucking insane. But thank you so much for the wild ride anyway. On a lighter note this year has truly been crazy. Went to probably the highest point on earth I'll ever be, experienced my first snowfall (though it's very little), financially struggling, got super busy, being put in an on-going wait, and everything else in between bitter and sweet. 2017, I'm coming for you. And 2016 and I are going to make you the best year of my life again. As always!

Alright I hope you've had a wonderful 2016. Even if you didn't, don't worry because I know whatever you went through will definitely make you a better person. Even if 2016 didn't feel as good as 2015, just remember that at the end of the year, we have to be a better person than who we were a year ago. And don't let the letdowns and challenges of 2016 get you. 

They're teachers that help you change to become a better person.

Alright I'd like to end this last post of the year with a lyric of Coldplay's Up&Up, which I find is really fitting in this time:

and you can say what is, or fight for it
close your mind or take a risk
you can say it’s mine and clench your fist
or see each sunrise as a gift

See you next year!

Friday 30 December 2016

That Year

A couple of years back. And when I mean a couple I mean a decade ago haha, I wondered what life will be when all of my siblings are married. Back then it was just a simple pondering question. It was nothing serious to think about, after all we were still young back then. Nothing shouts at my face that my siblings are getting married. I wondered how life will be, and how everything would feel.

Well back then the future wasn't something I was thinking about. After all I was still in secondary one, and my siblings are still studying (except for my brother). But you know, the inquisitive me, I like to wonder about things. Now that all of my siblings are married adults, I suppose this is how it feels like?

My siblings have all moved out and live in their own houses now. It feels so surreal to think that there's only my parents and I left in the house. It feels so surreal whenever I stare at both of my parents while we're having lunch/dinner. Of course, I mean this is life. It always moves on and things are always changing. And of course I feel happy for my siblings for getting together with their partners and for moving into their own houses. It's just that.... Everything just felt so surreal.

Every year that I'm back here seems to tell me more and more that I've made the right decision of going back home. Although I was filled with doubts back then, I knew I made the right choice. Perhaps something big is coming up for me. I don't know. No one knows really. 

So yeah. 2016 is that year. It is the year that I was pondering about a decade ago.

Feels crazy isn't it.

Thursday 29 December 2016

Veggie Lyfe

I know I'm supposed to blog about this yesterday, but since today is the first day of the last lunar calendar, I think it's good to talk about it today instead! Yup, I'll finish my 366th day of becoming a vegetarian in two more days and I'm feeling accomplished by this. Because back a few years ago, I never have any thought of becoming a vegetarian but here I am now. 

Along the way, my thoughts changed, and yup. I can definitely live without meat. Looking back, I've been considering this lifestyle change since 2010. Like I did have thoughts of becoming a vegetarian at some point of my life, but not this soon. Well I kinda regretted not starting earlier. But whatever the case, I'm here now and I'm definitely not looking back. So far I haven't found any reasons to go back.

To give you a bit of history, I've been going vegetarian twice a month since 2010. Although it was pretty much an on-and-off thing. In 2013 I decided to really dedicate two days every month to go vegetarian. I continued this until 2015, when I watched Dr Greger's video on YouTube about plant based diet and decided to go Meatless Mondays (then Saturdays) from August onwards.

Everything changed in November when I watched Cowspiracy. And then Vithya sent me a link to watch Earthlings. I could still remember watching it... Hmm... Exactly a year ago! And on that night I stopped eating meat heh. Okay I still eat some meat but I decided that I'm going to turn into a vegetarian this year. Which I did, and 364 days later, I'm still one. I'm even considering to go vegan now heh. Okay not so soon, my plan is to go ovo-vegetarian next year (no dairy, consuming eggs though).

How am I feeling now you may ask? I actually feel.... Pretty normal heh. I'm not sure if I feel any major difference ever since I go meatless. The only difference is two things - One is that I never experienced any constipation and two, I feel kinda more energetic. Usually I'll feel sleepy after lunch and I would go take a 10-15 nap before continuing work. But nowadays I don't feel sleepy at all.

Oh and I also never feel bloated after every meal. Except when I'm eating lentils and petai.

Fun fact: I also didn't lose any weight. I don't know to be happy or sad with the fact that I didn't lose or gain any weight. I was 89 in 1 January and I've been in this weight till now heh. Well I did actually lose 3kg on the first month but I ate too many kue lapis during CNY and I'm back again HAHAHA. Lots of people say my stomach looks flatter though. No, it's still bulging but smaller in size I guess.

See the thing is I don't become a vegetarian for health reasons. I really do it because I just feel that if I can be alive without having the need to kill animals, why not right. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite, I still kill mosquitoes and cockroaches and other creepy crawlies. But I'm sure you get my point. And no I haven't fully stopped causing suffering to animals since I'm not a vegan yet.

And whatever I get in return, be it good health or weight loss, I take it as the good karma I gained.

Although I've been reading Dr Greger's book How Not To Die which shows the benefits (proven by studies) of a plant-based diet, and how it can reverse many diseases. So maybe it's true that plant-based is the way to go. And thus perhaps it's true that what goes around comes around. There is a price we have to pay for consuming meats.

But I'm just gonna let you be the judge, try some meatless Mondays! :D

Okay so maybe I should share with you some of the questions I get when I tell people that I'm a vegetarian. I'm gonna list them from the most frequently asked questions.

1. Where do you get your protein?! You can only get proteins from meat!
Tofu, tempe, broccoli, beans, lentils and other vegetables. No, there are proteins in plants. If not how do cows, elephants, monkeys and pandas can grow so big and muscular?

2. You only become vegetarian cause you wanna lose weight right? Are you on a diet?
No, if this is the case I would have stopped 11 months ago.

3. Do you ever feel weak and dizzy and tired?
Nope. Not sure why but this is one of the most frequently asked questions to me. I really don't think that an absence of meat can cause the above symptoms. An absence of carbohydrate will.

4. But God created animals for human's consumption.
I don't believe in creationism :)

5. You're so young, you should not become a vegetarian and enjoy life.
I am a vegetarian and I am still enjoying life :D

6. How can you not eat meat? Do you miss it?
Not sure how but I can. And surprisingly I don't miss it. I do still miss bakso though lol!

7. But you're also killing plants you know. Plants have feelings too.
At least I don't have to kill an entire tomato plant to eat tomatoes. And other veggies etc. But you have to kill a chicken to eat its wings and a cow to enjoy your steak. So yes. 

You see the funniest thing that I ever encountered is this. When people ask me why I become a vegetarian, I usually say because of my religion. Which is not true. I do it 80% for the animals, 10% religious and 10% spiritual. The reason why I said this is because some people usually get very defensive when I tell them the true reasons. They will try to convince me that we have to eat meat. That being a vegetarian is "too extreme". I even have someone telling me it's against "God's Will" to be one. 

Errr.......

So yeah I stopped telling people my true reason why. Perhaps people are uncomfortable with the truth? Perhaps they are guilty? I don't know. But see when I tell you that I am a vegetarian I'm simply telling you I don't eat meat. I don't know why some people have the tendency to take it as "you have to be a vegetarian". I'm really fine with you eating meat. It's your life after all. I used to think vegetarians are crazy for giving up meat. Now that I'm one, I find some non-vegetarians even crazier than us heh.

Okay anyway, I do learn some lessons across this journey.

1. Happiness 
I learned a lot about happiness. Ever since I become a vegetarian my meals are getting simpler and simpler. Just stir fried veggies, or soups, or fried veggie fritters and so on. They taught me a lot about gratitude. I eat whatever that is on the table. I feel like I've been living like a monk. Cause I told my mum that I will just eat whatever dish that is on the table as long as it doesn't contain meat. The thought of me having food everyday is already enough to make me happy. While some people out there are starving without food for days and even months. I'm really thankful for the food on my plate.

2. Creativity
Well I learned to cook and devise my own food heh. Although some of them are failed ones. I used to make different vegetarian dishes but as the days go by I become lazier and just cook simple dishes. I made like vegetarian meatballs, lentil curry, noodles, vegan burger and mac and cheese! Also I usually mix up some other dishes to make a new dish. My favourite thing to do is to make rice bowls. Just a bowl of rice topped with vegetables and sometimes tofu. Or whatever I have on that day heh.

3. Health
One of the biggest lessons I learned is that being healthy is actually very easy, if we want to control our diet etc. You don't have to be a vegetarian to be healthy. I mean increasing your fibre intake and so on can help you a lot. Yet I see many people who would rather take pills in order to be "healthy". Like pills to lower down cholesterol, for good digestion etc. We can all skip these pills by changing our diet and nutritional intake. I did a blood test a few months back and the result was great. Everything is in normal range. My triglycerides level was low too.

Yet when I tell people that they should eat more veggies and avoid certain types of food, their response will be "Nahh I'm taking (insert drug name here) already so I should be fine". Well...

And the biggest lesson, like I said, is that I can be alive without consuming animals. That's enough.

Anyway I would like to thank my mum for cooking me so many lovely vegetarian dishes, and for trying out to cook vegetarian version of my favourite dishes (changing meat to tofu heh), despite of just me being the vegetarian of the family. To my dad for joining in the fun to cook our veggies with vegetarian seasonings and not the usual fish sauce. To my aunts who always buy vegetarian food/snacks for me when they are traveling. To my siblings and sibling-in-law (is that such a word?) for also buying and cooking so many vegetarian dishes. I feel so loved awww. And my family helper who always cook some vegetarian lunch for me mwahaha. Thank you so very much for making this journey an enjoyable one.

Last but not least, a special mention to Vithya for giving me the inspiration to turn into a vegetarian! Afer 2 years of telling you that I want to turn into one, I'm finally one now hahaha.

Alright that's all from me today. To those of you who are interested in this lifestyle change, if you can turn overnight that's really good for you. If not, you can always try meatless Mondays (or any other day actually) first! Or even do it twice a month. Remember that you should always be concrete about your decision. Don't do it because you want to lose weight. It won't last long trust me. If you have any questions whatsoever, I'll try my best to help you. If not the internet is a wonderful resource.

May all living things be happy! 

PS: Or you can watch the documentary Earthlings, Cowspiracy and Forks Over Knife

Wednesday 28 December 2016

Great Music of 2016

 
 Thank you for the wonderful music!

It's that time of the year again! Time to share with you some of the great music that I discovered in 2016. I think 2016 is quite an awesome year for music, but 2015 was kinda better heh. Anyway I didn't really discover lots of music in December... Except for Enigma's song Amen (featuring Aquilo!) and also I just received my copy of Olafur Arnald's Island Song album and it's so lovely!

Alright here goes! As usual I will begin with the great artists/bands I discovered, then my favourite albums, then favourite songs, and a new addition: Acts that I look forward to in 2017! :)

Again, in no particular order. Also PS: Some albums are released in 2015

Great Artists/Bands I discovered in 2016:
[] Troye Sivan [] The Mary Onettes [] Bipolar Sunshine [] Charlie Lim [] Disco Hue [] dne []
[] Pillar Point [] Classmate Journal [] Men I Trust [] Muna [] Christine and The Queens []

Once again gotta thank YouTube for being an awesome place of music discovery. I discovered most of these new artists and bands via YouTube! And also via other bands/musicians that I've been following on social media. For example I found out about Christine and The Queens thanks to Shura! Here's to more artists and bands discovery in 2017 mwahaha. I'm so glad to have discovered them! 

Great Albums of 2016:
[] Blue Neighbourhood by Troye Sivan [] Headcase/Hard To Read double EP by Daywave []
[] All My Demons Greeting Me As A Friend by Aurora [] Everything and Nothing by Hammock []
[] Time/Space double EP by Charlie Lim [] Yoncalla by Yumi Zouma [] Nothing's Real by Shura []
[] Love You To Death by Tegan and Sara [] Futures EP by PREP [] Roosevelt by Roosevelt []
[] West of The West by Goldroom [] Raja Kelana by Mondo Gascaro [] 
[] Two Vines by EOTS [] Oh My My by One Republic [] Island Songs by Olafur Arnalds []

Best Album of The Year: Nothing's Real by Shura

Hands down the best album of 2016 in my opinion haha. Well I really really love this album. I love Shura's music as well, and she seems to get better and better with every release. Ever since I discovered her 2 years ago, I know her debut album is gonna be so awesome. To be honest this album from her feels like a piece of myself that I lost, and discovered again; it is my escape. I am very excited for her second album! And I am so glad to have the opportunity to catch her live at Neon Lights! :) 

Great Songs of 2016:
[] Youth by Troye Sivan [] I Went Too Far by Aurora [] Conqueror by Aurora []
[] Daydreamer by Bipolar Sunshine [] Love Is Blind by Lapsley [] Dove by Pillar Point []
[] I Only Tell The Truth by Charlie Lim [] Knots by Charlie Lim [] Boyfriend by T&S []
[] Make It Up by Shura [] What's It Gonna by Shura [] Tilted by Christine & The Queens []
[] Who's Got You Singing Again by PREP [] Text From Sweden by Yumi Zouma []
[] The Greatest by Sia [] Silhouettes by Goldroom [] Deacon's Summer by Mondo Gascaro []
[] High And Low by EOTS [] Fever by Roosevelt [] Bonfires by The diogenes Club []
[] Winterbreak by Muna [] Gotta Find You by Disco Hue [] Ovedur by Sigur Ros []
[] Amen by Enigma [] Lauren by Men I Trust [] Meeting Points at 2 AM by dne []
[] Kids by One Republic [] Wherever I Go by One Republic []

Favourite Song of The Year: ........................................

Okay I really don't have one favourite song of the year. I have lots of favourite songs! Haha. But well just to name a few that I've been listening throughout the year, it'll be:

I Only Tell The Truth by Charlie Lim
Dove by Pillar Point
Make It Up by Shura

Also I would like to make a special mention to Coldplay's song A Head Full of Dreams, which has been in my playlist from December 2015 till now haha. I really really love this song. I think it should be my song of the year. It always gives me hope, and it is a reminder not to give up really. This song soundtracked my trip to Tibet. And it will always remind me of that amazing journey!

And last but not least, here are some of the acts that I look forward to in 2017!
- Debut album from: Aquilo, Muna and PREP (maybe?)
- Kaleidoscope EP from Coldplay
- New albums from: Asgeir, Oh Wonder, Kings of Convenience, Lorde, Lucy Rose
- Potential new albums from: Sam Smith, Sigur Ros, Chvrches, the diogenes club, Years and Years,

Okay these are just some of my predictions, I'm still unsure if the above artists are releasing new albums. I know Asgeir is coming up with something in 2017, Oh Wonder is recording their 2nd album? And KOC had just created an intimate concert of new materials last month I think. I'm really looking forward to new songs and albums from these musicians! I feel that every music is worth the wait, because they worked so hard to write and produce their music. So I'm just patiently waiting! :)

Alright that's all from me in this year's music! I am so thankful to discover new artists and bands, and so happy for the release of these albums this year. Thank you so much for filling this year with wonderful music, for being my escape, and as usual, thank you always for keeping me sane.

Here's to more beautiful discoveries in 2017! See you again in next year's review mwahaha.

Tuesday 27 December 2016

Celebrate

This is sort of a continuation of my post about traveling. But I'm not gonna talk about traveling again, more of life in general. Okay so like I said in my post, about how we should all create how we want to "live our life to the fullest", I came across with this thought. You see we all have the tendency that a great life is one where we have no problems etc. Well in one way it's true, but it will never happen.

I mean problems and challenges are what makes our life so interesting and adventurous. Can you imagine a life where it is so smooth, so easy and just a boring walk in the park. A park with no bumps, no road-turns, no this and that. This is why I came up with the thought that maybe living life to the fullest is not all about the glitter and gold, and all the wonderful things we imagine it to be.

Living life to the fullest to me means celebrating every moment that we experience. Okay obviously we don't celebrate the passing of someone, or someone's misfortune. But what I mean is that we live every moment to the fullest. In good moments, we treasure and we enjoy them while they last. In bad moments, we learn from them and we move on. I know it sounds ridiculous to "enjoy" bad moments, but this year I've had my fair share of these moments, and I learned a lot from them!

See, learning from bad moments is a way we can celebrate them. 

I was talking to someone once about how much she doesn't enjoy her life. Problems after problems, and she wasn't enjoying her job (yet she doesn't want to find a new one). She was telling me how she envies other people who seem to have a better life than her, and how they are "living their life" while she's here stuck in a life she doesn't seem to enjoy, and can't seem to change.

So I told her that she shouldn't fall into the lure that of just because someone is having a "better life" than her, will instantly mean that they are happy and so on. We all have our own fair share of happiness and sadness. And there's no way we can redefine our own just by "transferring" someone's happiness to us. And we can all change our lives, it all falls down to whether we want to or not.

So yeah, we should celebrate every moment of our lives. The tough ones and the happy ones. If you remember that nothings lasts forever, you'll realise that every moment is worth celebrating about. And celebration doesn't always refer to glitz and glamour. It can also mean quiet contemplation and melancholic reflection. In times of triumph we savour the moment before it's gone. And in times of adversity we can learn and grow stronger. Celebrate every moment. 

Or more like... Celebrate whatever that we can earn from it.

Monday 26 December 2016

Happiness And His Friends

I think we all have a love-hate relationship with happiness. It is something that everyone talks about, and wishes for. We all want happiness and we don't want suffering. But weirdly enough also, I feel that we all feel confused and angry when our happiness is taken away. We don't know what to do and we feel like it's the end of everything heh. But not really, we just don't know how happiness works.

2016 is without a doubt a very challenging year for me. But it is through all of these challenges that I learn so much about happiness. Like I mentioned in my previous post, I'm even learning not to rely on happiness to make me... Happy. Across the years I've learned that happiness is never something that we chase and look for. It is something we create. But like everything in life, we have to understand that nothing lasts forever. The best way to feel is to really feel everything while they're here.

My meditation days have also taught me a lot to ponder about happiness. When you ask people, how do you define happiness, I am pretty sure everyone will come up with a different definition. To me happiness is a state of bliss where nothing is lacking from you both in reality wise and also psychologically, mindfully and emotionally. And I feel everyone has a different "state" of bliss.

How do we measure this state is what measures our happiness level as a human. The more we crave, the unhappier we become. I remember a saying from the documentary "Our Mind Is Bigger Than All The Supermarket In The World" which I caught at THIS Buddhist film fest 4 years ago. It says we feel unhappy when our mind doesn't get what it wants. And vice versa for happiness.

To me meditation helps to train your mind in this sense too. It is quite challenging to instill gratitude to people in materialism-wise. Can you imagine instilling gratitude to people's mind? I think it's impossible haha. How we can stop craving for thoughts and emotions that are not beneficial to us.

Across the years we've been lured to live in a "definition" of happiness, where actually in reality, we are the only ones who can create our own definition. I'm starting to do this, because really, no one is in charge of our own happiness except for our own self! Not even your parents or friends. 

Since we feel too many unnecessary emotions, we don't realise that we've been wasting time being unhappy. I came up with these lines this year... And I think it helps me a lot.

"At the end of our lives, on our deathbeds, I think we will all be laughing at the amount of time we wasted being unhappy. So hence, be happy. Because one day we will no longer be able to be happy."

Sunday 25 December 2016

Journaling Journey

 Thank you Tacy for this birthday present!

First of all I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas! I hope you had a great day today with you loved ones. And some great food too! Man it's Christmas again. Christmas always reminds me about time. How the year is coming to an end and another one is coming upon us. A time of reflection, a time of looking back and forward. Which is in line with what I wanna talk about today: Journaling!

So I (horribly) failed to draw for 365 days of the year last year. I failed because I only drew for 173 pages of my drawing journal and the other 192 pages are filled with words. This is why at the end of 2015, I decided to go back to word-journaling haha. I feel more comfortable writing to be honest. Perhaps I'm just not born to become an artist. I really really can't draw. I love doodling though!

Anyway 2016 actually marked the 6th year that I've been doing journaling. Although in different forms, throughout these years. I started keeping a journal on October of 2010. The reason why I did this was actually because... I was guilty of buying so many notebooks which were left unused inside my drawer HAHAHA. Bad habit I know, no worries I've stopped buying notebooks. In fact my 2016 journal is a notebook I bought in New York 4 years ago! And I already have 2017 one prepared.

So I kept a journal from October 2010 - December 2011, followed by my 365 journal in 2012, another journal for 2013-2014. In 2014 I also did my Project365 which I consider as "digital journaling". And in 2015 I did my (kinda failed) draw everyday project and now, back to writing. I don't journal on a daily basis except for 2012 and 2015. I try to write at least once a week for the others.

This year my goal was to write twice a week. In the beginning of the year everything went according to plan. But in the first third of the year, I started to slack and I didn't write twice a week. Until in October when I realised how many more pages I have left to write. That's when I decided to write every day from November to December onwards. It's doing great so far, still left with a few more pages though.

I truly enjoy journaling. Although it is not as "convenient" as blogging since you have to use a pen to write. It's kinda tiresome, especially for your hands. But I feel that journaling is very different from blogging in terms of feelings. It feels more intimate and close. When you re-read your journal entries, it gives a more special feeling than re-reading your blog posts. It's like re-visitng your private thoughts.

Also when it comes to blogging, you know people are going to read your posts. So sometimes when I write my blog posts, I always wonder how other people are going to think/feel when they read my posts. But in journaling I don't give a shit since it's mostly me who's going to read my entries haha. Not that I write any secretive things on my journal either. My journal entries are more random!

Just like a blog, my journal is "someone" whom I can talk to. They may not give me solutions to my problems but at least I can gather my thoughts here. Sometimes I am very very surprised at the things that I wrote inside my journal. In a good way of course, like holy shit I actually wrote this?! Haha. 

Sometimes I feel that journaling is some sort of meditation? Because you really let your feeling flow through on that piece of paper and you are sort of aware of these thoughts and feelings. It's a relaxing activity and something that will definitely help you in the long run. I've seen YouTube videos of people who do journal flip-throughs and they have been journaling for like 5 - 10 years. Wow!

Personally, I don't know if I can keep up this habit of mine. Times are getting busier and I don't know if I can still journal even on a weekly basis. Maybe once a week is still possible. I do hope to continue this though, because I really enjoy this. Come to think of it... This is what I do almost every night. It's my source of "entertainment" and how I wind down haha. So perhaps I should continue yes.

Right, that's all from me! If you're interested in journaling, it's never to late to start! Go grab a book, any book, and write the hell out of it. Just kidding, but yes just write whatever you feel like writing. You can draw, paint and do whatever you want. No one is stopping you. Have fun! :)

Saturday 24 December 2016

Mindfulness

This year marked the second year that I'm doing daily meditation. So far it's been an incredible journey, and again I see no reason to stop this practice. It even took me two years to subconsciously increase my meditation time to 15 minutes now heh. I don't measure my meditation time, neither do I limit them. I just meditate until I decided not to, or I feel super restless and my mind is going everywhere. This year, most of the time, I meditate for a minimum of 15 minutes, that's an improvement I guess.

As always, I can't really describe the things I felt after two years of meditation. Also, I feel that 2 years is too short of a period to "justify" results. But anyway like Sogyal Rinpoche says, practising Dharma/meditation is not an A to B journey. There is no goal to attain. We have to practice it from this lifetime to the next until we attain nirvana. So no complaints! Heh heh. Gonna continue practising.

Well I suppose I become more aware of my emotions and thoughts. It feels like I learn a lot about myself. About my thoughts and why I think and feel in such ways. Perhaps it's true when they say that when you learn more about Buddhism, you're just learning about yourself. 

I found a lot of different views about lots of emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger and so on. Just like our thoughts during meditation, our emotions are fleeting around too. They do not stay, they do not linger forever. And meditation helps us to realise this principle, and how we won't hold on to them. One day we won't have to rely on our emotions to react at a phenomena. No need for anger, no need for sadness, not even happiness! Sounds very weird but hmm let me elaborate.

You see I feel that our mind is a very powerful thing. It can build us a huge wall that imprison us, or a pair of wings that set us free. Like a fortress, a wall can help to defend us. But like a prison, a wall blocks us from everything and doesn't give freedom. Likewise when we have wings, we can be free to go wherever we are. But we can also get lost in places we've never been before.

When our mind is untrained, it can just build walls and wings whenever it wants to. But when our mind is trained, when we become mindful, and aware of our thoughts, we can control when the mind should build walls or wings. And the more we train it, the mind may even no longer have to build walls or wings. It knows just when and what to do when a thought/emotion arises.

This is why I feel that a trained mind wouldn't have to rely on emotions, be it positive or negative to react on a phenomena. I'm not trying to say that we should all just be emotionless. We shouldn't be happy when a something happy happened, shouldn't be sad when someone passed away, and so on. Because the problem with us is that we always carry these emotions along. It's important to feel. Just don't drag them on and on like as if we need to, like as it is justified to do so.

For example when something bad happens, I usually hold on to my anger/sadness for days. When something exciting happens, I usually feel unusually happy for days. Excitement and so on. Sometimes I lose focus really, I can no longer be in the moment when I feel happy about something that hasn't happened or sad/angry about something that has happened.

Like I mentioned in my previous post about emptiness, we let our ego make us feel too many unnecessary emotions and create thoughts we don't need. We let our ego justify our feelings, although most of the time these feelings are pretty unnecessary. For example, we hold on to our anger like as if our anger can change everything. But our ego makes us feel so good to be angry (when it never is).

So in meditation, we're slowly killing off our ego by not letting it justify these feelings. We no longer crave for these feelings. We don't realise that we're doing this. But when we do, we'll be liberated.

I can't really say verbally or in words about the benefits of meditation. You have to try it out yourself. It's never to late to start! :) I myself still have a long way to go and I don't think I'm going to stop. Alright that's all from me today. I hope you try meditation one day! :D

Friday 23 December 2016

List

Okay so whatever happened to that 16 things I learned in 2016? Hahaha. In the blink of an eye I just realised we're only left with one more week to the end of 2016. I was planning to do it for the last 16 days of the year, or at least last 12 days. But here we are! D-8 to 2017! Hurrah.

So alright I'm going to spend the next 7 days doing a ton of reflection. 2016 has been cray cray and I'm glad I made it alive till today hah. So lots of reflections to be done, lots of things to talk about. In fact I feel like there are so many things I don't even know where to start. Well here goes....!

24/12 - Mindfulness
25/12 - Journaling
26/12 - Happiness
27/12 - Celebrating every moment
28/12 - Veggie lyfe
29/12 - Music of 2016
30/12 - Reflection 1
31/12 - Reflection finale 

Okay so far lets stick to this. I've written more list inside my journal, so looking forward to this!

As always, I'm always very very surprised at the things I've written inside my blog/journal. Like holy crap I actually wrote that haha. It's always an enjoyable process to re-read them. I kinda feel disappointed though because looking back, I've been wanting to do a monthly thing for my blog. I realised I stopped doing that by March... Aha... Fail. Next year I gotta do something!

Alright, one more week to the end of 2016, let's go!

Thursday 22 December 2016

(Belated?) Winter Solstice

 Happy Winter Solstice!

First of all just wanna wish you a happy Winter Solstice guys! As usual without the snow and the cold temperature. Well it's rather chilly tonight though so lets just pretend I'm somewhere in the middle of a wintry country haha. Anyway I'm not sure if today is the actual winter solstice cause I saw everyone posting about it yesterday. But here we celebrate it on 22nd of December so yes.

Today is always a day where I would feel old because of the tang yuan I have to eat. I'm 25 this year according to my lunar age so I have to eat 25 of them! Also as usual I made my own version of tang yuan and this year it's... Green Tea Kitkat Tang Yuan! Just break some green tea kitkat into small cubes and stuff them inside the tang yuan. It's great, I feel a sweet matcha paste will be better though.

Whenever I eat the tang yuan, I always feel thankful for the past 25 years that I'm here on earth, and I send my wish and hope for the next year. It's crazy to think that it feels like yesterday when the bowl is filled with only ten tang yuan. Here I am now with 25! Well well, time flies.

Today is also Mother's Day here in Indonesia so wishing all of the beautiful mothers in Indonesia and round the world a happy Mother's day! :P Everyday should be mother's day nevertheless.

Well since today is mother's day, I reflected about it a lot especially because of what happened yesterday. Well I witnessed my own sister going into labour, although I didn't witness her childbirth. But seeing her in so much pain and discomfort due to the contractions, man, we should all seriously stop being assholes to our mothers! Haha. Our mothers went through so much just to give birth to us, and then take care of us as we grow up. So don't make their lives more difficult please.

I've been to three Buddhist weddings here and during the ceremony, the master of ceremony would say this sentence: We can never repay the good deeds of our parents for taking care of us as we grow up. Not even in this lifetime, maybe not even the next. Which is very true. I really have no idea how to repay my parents for the things that they have done for me. I have no idea how much is "enough" to repay them. Maybe really not even in their lifetime, or even mine.

But like what my dad said, the best way to repay your parents is to treat them like how you want your children to treat you. I'm pretty sure you don't want your children to hurt you do you.

Alright just a simple reflection on this Winter Solstice and Mother's day. I hope you had a great Winter Solstice wherever you are too! :) And oh, some Tang Yuans as well.

Wednesday 21 December 2016

Nephew Number Two

 Say hello to my nephew!

Today is such a happy day for my family because... My sister just gave birth to her first son! So happy for her and my brother in law, we've been waiting for his arrival for a long time haha. Both of them are healthy and in good condition now thankfully. It was a nerve wrecking evening waiting for her to deliver the baby haha but glad everything went well in the end I'm an uncle to another nephew now! :')

Anyway last night at 2:30 in the morning my sister Whatsapped me telling me that she's been having contractions here and there since 1 AM. I asked my mum and she asked her to go to the hospital immediately because it's a sign that she's going into labour. She went to the hospital but it was kind of false alarm. She was just having a number two opening. But she remained there.

Then when I woke up today at 1 PM, my sister and mum were already in the hospital. At 2:30 PM she was having major contractions and that's when the wait begins. The baby is born at 6 PM today! We were so nervous and happy haha. But well everything is well now so yay!

Stayed at the hospital just now till about 9 PM and we went home to let her rest.

Man I'm an uncle again now! I mean I've always been an uncle but now I have a new nephew mwahaha. Feeling really old, but such is life! Just feels weird to see my sister who used to take care of me when I was still in Singapore, now becoming a mum haha. We're all growing older eeep.

Alright that's all from me now. I can't wait to play with my nephew haha.

Tuesday 20 December 2016

China Roses


The above is a title to one of my favourite songs by Enya. I could still remember the first time that I listen to it back 13 years ago from her album Paint The Sky With Stars. It's so beautiful! Now whenever I look at stars, I'm always reminded of this song because of the lyric "Moonlight Holly, The Sapho Comet". I don't know why but yeah. Maybe it's the comet reference. Or maybe it's because I used to listen to the album every night before I sleep on my sister's discman when I was young!

Anyway today we are very blessed to have a clear day. The sky was blue and the sun was shining so beautifully. And the night was clear as well. The stars were glittering and the hometown lights are scattered below. It's so amazing because err it's been raining every single day for the past ______ weeks here. It's been so long since I saw such a clear night sky.

I love astronomy since I was young. I've always been intrigued by the stars and moon and planets and the universe. I even got the Young Scientist badge in Astronomy in P6 okay, so don't play play haha. My knowledge regarding space is pretty limited. But I can point out some constellations haha.

And my love for astronomy is derived from Enya of course. Lots of her songs have stars reference to them so they make me imagine a lot about the universe. I love staring at the starry night sky. They always make me both curious and comfortable to think that we are not alone in this universe. Well for me that is, I believe that there is a life out there. May not be humans, may be in other forms.

I mean don't you feel the same when you look at the gazillion of stars out there? 

I've always wondered if we'll ever discover other life forms out there. And I wonder if we can do so when I'm still alive. Maybe when I've died I'll be able to know everything. Alright just another random post about stars and universe, in the mean time enjoy the beautiful song! :)

Monday 19 December 2016

V-ailed

I have failed myself. I am no longer a vegan ahaha. I am now back with being a vegetarian. Well basically I decided back in the beginning of December to try going vegan for the month of December. I thought it was easy, it was just something I want to try. Also I had quite a horrible pimple outbreak on my face. It was so bad that I couldn't wear my glasses because I have two stupid pimples which was located right where my glasses is resting (that bridge between the two frames).

I read about how dairy is a huge risk factor of causing pimples so... Yeah, I wanted to try if a vegan diet could help reduce this. And it actually did! So far I have no new pimples popping. My pimples have burst and are getting smaller. Face is also clearing up. But halfway through my journey (last Saturday) I decided to stop becoming vegan but becoming an ovo-vegetarian. No dairy, but yes eggs.

And today I fell into the temptation of a chocolate bread which I'm sure uses milk/cream T_T

Okay maybe I'm really not ready to become a vegan. It's so funny and weird how giving up meat was so so easy for me. Not sure why giving up dairy and eggs seems so difficult. Personally I don't consume milk. It is its products that I can't seem to avoid. Like butter, cream, which is used in cakes and stuff. And even during this year I've been avoiding dairy. Unless I'm really stuck with it. I have stopped drinking dairy drinks like milk tea and yoghourts. I rarely cook with butter either.

This whole dairy/egg consumption is still a debate. Yes I am aware that it still causes animal suffering. Some people believe that it's okay to consume them because we don't kill the animals to get them. But also their production causes suffering to other animals. The cow whom we get our milk from feels pain. They are impregnated continuously just to get their milk. Their children are being taken away after days to  either be slaughtered as veal or to just be killed and discarded.
 
In eggs factories, if a chick hatched turns out to be a male, it will be chopped and killed instantly. Cause apparently it is money-wasting to rear them till they are adults. I am aware of such acts. But I wonder if we do all these in Indonesia. What I know from chicken farms is that male-chickens will be sent to another farm where they'll be processed for their meat :( They won't be discarded right away.
 
Being vegan means you do not want to contribute to any animal suffering. Being a vegetarian means you do not want to kill animals for your food. I think that's where the line is drawn. I still want to be a vegan though. Maybe not now, but eventually I will. As of now, I'm just gonna avoid eggs and dairy.

Sunday 18 December 2016

Emptiness

 Emptiness

Right lets continue what I was talking about yesterday. To begin with, if 2015 taught me so much about impermanence, 2016 taught me a lot about emptiness. I have also decided to learn more about Buddhism every year since 2015. And I'm doing this by focusing on a Sutra every year. This year I chose the Prajnaparamita Sutra, or the perfection of wisdom. Which emptiness is its core.

I've spent almost two years dong daily chanting now. I started chanting everyday since March 2015. Like I blogged about, the Prajnaparamita sutra is a sutra that I chant every day. I've always been intrigued by this sutra because of the line:

"Form is emptiness, emptiness is form. Form is none other than emptiness and emptiness is none other than form. This goes the same for feelings, thoughts, compositional factors and consciousness."  
What is emptiness here?

I remember a friend once told me how she doesn't get Buddhism because it seems like a very negative religion. Things like sufferings, emptiness, impermanence and others. I can't really answer that question because when we think deeply, these are truly the nature of phenomenons! But anyway I am still intrigued by that line too. Why is everything empty? How come emptiness is everywhere?

So I begin by researching online for the explanations of the sutra. I've read a couple articles, and I've also decided to get a few books about the sutra. The first book I read is by Thich Nhat Hanh (Title: The Heart of Understanding) and in this book, he explains how emptiness is defined as the absence of an intrinsic existence. So basically all phenomena doesn't exist and can't exist solely on its own.

Every phenomena in life is impermanent, and doesn't have an intrinsic existence. They are caused by something, resulted into something and it just goes on and on. However in our minds most of the time, every phenomena seems to be fixed into just one thing. Just like expectations.

The second book I read is by the Dalai Lama (Title: Essence of The Heart Sutra, the Dalai Lama's Heart of Wisdom Teachings). This book I feel is a bit heavy for me because of the many terms and explanations. But it is also truly an enlightening one. One sentence change my mind forever.

Emptiness is defined as seeing everything as it is...... BOOM.

This is what I have in mind as well. I truly feel the way to happiness is to see everything as it is.

One of my favourite lines from the sutra is:

"All phenomena bears the mark of emptiness. They do not increase nor decrease, they are not deficient nor fulfilled, there is no death nor there is birth."

A lot of times, we do the opposite to this theory. When there is a phenomenon we experience, we tend to increase or decrease it, we make it better or sometimes worst, and the best part is we create something that doesn't even exist, or kill something that existed in that phenomenon! 

Which I can sum as.... We feel too many unnecessary emotions, create thoughts we don't need, paint something that never existed. And who is this we? It is our ego of course.

So if we can see everything as it is, that would really help us a lot in my opinion. Without twisting any facts and adding wonderful spices onto them. Until we know the absolute truth. Like I once said, the easiest and surest way to make us unhappy is to believe in a truth that we create in our heads.

Another of my favourite line is:

"In emptiness there is no ignorance, no aging and death. No origination, cessation, no attainment"

In my opinion this is the greatest test that we human beings can face. How we react to things. How do we handle all phenomenon with hmm should I say neutrality? How we accept everything as it is, without denying any facts. Denying would be ignorance. Adding more facts would be attainment.

One of the greatest lessons that this sutra taught me is to realise the empty nature of things. And how we should react to it. But it's quite difficult because I feel that we need to fully realise this nature before we can learn how to mindfully react to them. And the only way to train your mind is to meditate. A lot of times we let ourselves react with so much volatility that we do not realise it ourselves.

And thus, last but not least, the sutra closes with the mantra of the sutra (Gate gate paragate parasamgate Bodhi Svaha) and how this mantra can quell all suffering. Well it's not as fancy as it sounds. But basically when you practice what the sutra has taught you, you can be free of suffering.

The mantra itself is translated as: Go, go, go beyond, go totally beyond, be rooted in the ground of enlightenment. Or the last part can also be translated as go to the other shore. What shore you might ask? The "shore" that we are in now, is the shore of samsara. And the "other shore" refers to the shore where we're free of samsara. Which basically means when you practice prajnaparamita, you can be free of samsara! No need for suffering, no need for rebirth. Sounds good.

Back to the topic of holding on to emptiness... So yeah. I feel that we shouldn't hold on to expectations but to emptiness. And like what I mentioned above, in emptiness we do not add nor subtract things. We do not create nor destroy things. We do not deny facts nor add more. 

And perhaps we can all be happier this way. To see everything as it is.

Some people regard emptiness as the God of Buddhism. But then again, hey we are a non-theistic religion. Well in a Buddhist perspective, I'm just gonna take it that if impermanence is a fuel that keeps me going, then emptiness is the vehicle that I will be riding on.

Right! This is just my opinion about emptiness, and how much it taught me a lot in this year. Would like to send my sincerest gratitude to all the Buddhist masters whom I learned a lot about this sutra. I would however say that it is definitely not easy practising this. We have to also realise that we're full of emptiness. But sadly ego still resides within us. Well, it's not entirely impossible to practise this. I hope this insight helps you. This is just my two cent worth regarding emptiness.

Take care and you have a great week ahead people! :)

Saturday 17 December 2016

Expectations

There's a sense of liberty when you live without expectations. But then again I feel that it is part of our nature to have them in life. There's always that thought and hope about how we want things to be in life. Be it as simple as how a food we try should taste like, or how something should unravel in life.

But as Shakespeare said, expectation is the root of all heartache. Does this mean we have to live without any expectation at all? To me... I'd like to put it in this way. I often feel that we shouldn't fill our lives with expectations but with hopes. Expectation is defined as a strong belief that something will happen. Whereas hope is a feeling of expectation. See it? In hope, it hasn't reached that level of expectation. Just a feeling that you want something to happen.

I feel that when you expect something, you want that something to happen how you want it to happen. Whereas when you hope for something, you're just having the feeling of how that something should happen. So in hope, when things don't go your way, you're sort of obliged to let things go? Whereas when you expect something, you're most likely to be hugely disappointed if it didn't happen.

When I was young I often feel like it is impossible to live without expectations. Like really how could we! When we were young we expect ourselves to become somebody. When we go to a nice restaurant with raving reviews, we expect the food to be the best we ever had. We expect a few people to behave in a certain way. We expect people to treat us in a certain way. And so on.

I feel like there's an egoistical character when we constantly expect in life. Because we fail to understand that everything in life is constantly changing. It is impermanent. It never stays the same, and thus there is a high chance that it will be something different from our expectations. And if we fail to see this, and if we become upset because we can't accept this fact, we will suffer.

This is why the third principle of existence in Buddhism is anatta which means non-self. That everything in life doesn't have a "me" in it. And because of this, suffering arises. But we can stop suffering from arising by acknowledging this fact. Then we change our paradigm, so that our whole life will change.

So back to the topic. Does this mean we should live without any expectations at all...? 

My answer would be yes and no. Yes because that's the most perfect way to shield you from heartache. No because I still feel it's part our human nature to have it. But I feel that we do have a way to combine these two together. Instead of holding on to expectations, we should hold on to emptiness!

Okay I'm going to talk about this on another post. Because this is what I've been doing this year it it really helps me to become a happier person in a weird way hahaha. I'll see you on the next post regarding emptiness. I myself have been blown away by this thing that I am doing.

Friday 16 December 2016

Film-o-graphy

 Throwback to Neon Lights.
Shot on my Fujica with Agfa Vista 400

I just got back the photos that I sent for developing! I feel so guilty, some of the photos were taken way back in October heh. But anyway I found an awesome film developer in Bandung (thanks Hipercat Lab!) and it's pretty convenient. All I have to do is to send the films via courier and they (or is it a he only?) will develop it for you. Once it's done, he'll send you a text of the total price, transfer, and voila.

Looking at the photos I got back, damn it, I wish I found him earlier this year to develop the films from Tibet! The photos turned out awesome. Except for my lousy skills that turn some photos not how I want them to turn out hah. I feel like I was doing some crazy mission really, using film for a music festival. Well I didn't expect much from the shot. It was dark, I was really doing agaration for the settings and so on. Some shots turn out beautiful. Some... Meh. But it's okay, as always:

We develop from the negatives.

On the other hand, I'm glad that I discovered Hipercat Lab cause now... I can shoot with film more often mwahaha. I still have an Agfa 400 untouched and I'm gonna shoot with it now I guess. 

Anyway, this trip to Singapore is my first time that I'm traveling without a digital camera (other than my phone). I travel only with my film! To be honest it feels quite liberating to only travel with your film camera. You will really live in the moment. You don't have to scroll through your photos wondering if they are nice or not. And that feeling of excitement (and nerves) while waiting for your photos to be developed is quite nice too heh. Some say film photography is truly the "essence" of photography. Because you can't do anything else with that photo once it's taken (apart from post-processing).

And also film photography will make you think carefully of your shots. Since we're only given 36 exposures per roll. They say it's a good habit. That doesn't mean we shouldn't think carefully when shooting with our digital cameras heh. I remember on the 2nd day of Neon Lights I was only left with 20 shots. So I had to think well about this remaining 20 shots haha. It's quite exciting to do this.

But well, I don't shoot with film often. Or in fact... I rarely shoot nowadays. Unlike in Singapore where I usually carry my film camera to school or when I'm going out and stuff. But what I love about using film is really that special feeling about the shots you take. Not sure how to describe it... Shooting with film feels very raw and organic. And also each film gives a special characteristic to the photos you take.

We live in such a digital world. It always feels good to go back to the way things used to be. Film is definitely not dead. And I hope this is how things will be in the future.  

Thursday 15 December 2016

Book of Days

Not sure why and how but I know it's the end of the year when I listen to Enya songs more and more hahaha. Well her music really suits the mood of the last month of the year. I can totally imagine me being in a place with snow, blogging/journaling and contemplating about the year as I look at the falling snow with a cup of warm earl grey tea, listening to her beautiful music. It's that good.

Also her songs always remind me about time. Because it's been 13 years since I first listened to her! She's truly an artist that I first become a fan boy of. And I've been supporting her for that long.

One of my favourite songs from her to listen to in this month is "Last Time by Moonlight". This song reminds me of 2012 November. Finishing FYP, attending my last few band practices before MD, and walking around SP. Particularly my last few band practices where I was literally walking for the last time by moonlight, attending my last few band practices. From the bandroom to the MRT heh.

I think Enya is truly a gifted singer. And with Nicky and Roma Ryan, the three of them create such beautiful music that will stay with me forever. Her songs always make me contemplate a lot about life. Regardless of the time of the year actually. It calms me down, it makes me think, stop and ponder.

Well thank you for the music, Enya. 

Wednesday 14 December 2016

The Greatest?

So I discovered this wonderful song by Sia about two months ago and whew, I feel it's such a great song. Emotionally moving, and just so uplifting. I almost cried when I was watching the video (referring to the Orlando Shooting reference) and I'm so touched by this gesture really.

Don't get me wrong, it's a wonderful song and I'm still listening to it on my playlist now.

However sometimes when I'm listening to the song, it got me thinking...

Do I want to be the greatest?

I think we grow up thinking and hoping to be someone great. Sometimes I even feel like we're being trapped in this rat race we humans created. We have to be successful, we have to be rich, we have to be happy, we have to be this and that. When I was young, I want to be like these too. I want to be a really rich person so that I can have a big house and buy whatever things I want.

As I grow older however, this desire becomes lesser and lesser. I don't want to be rich. I don't want to have a huge house. I don't want to be overly successful. Perhaps it is because I learned the word gratitude. I think gratitude should encompass everything that we have and that we are in life. Not just a measurement of our materialistic possession. How we feel about ourselves, and so on.

Now I don't want to have a huge house. A simple house will do that puts a roof above my head, shield me from the weather and make me feel comfortable. I don't want to be rich, I just hope I have enough money to keep me going in life, to feed myself, and most importantly I hope I have enough money to help others in need. I'm not even interested in expensive cars. I'm happy with my family's Yaris.

I don't want to be very successful. Just successful to keep the business going, feed and give livelihood to my workers, and when the time comes, successful enough to expand the business. I think non-materialistic gratitude is a bit more difficult to "measure" because I feel that it's pretty difficult to express them in words. It's something that we have to experience and go through.

How about happiness? I don't want to be the happiest people on earth. I want to feel enough happiness to keep my mind healthy and to share it with others. I want to feel enough sadness to teach myself that there's no point in dwelling in it, and to not inflict it to others. My motto has changed now. I no longer want to be the happiest person on earth. But I want to become a really mindful person. 

I'll talk about this one on another post.

All in all, I don't want to be the greatest. 

I just want to be enough.

Tuesday 13 December 2016

Up Above

 Mt Kinabalu

Today marks the 5th year since the LEAP team summited Mt Kinabalu! I thought it was yesterday but when I looked at my photo's metadata, it is the 13th so yeah. It is definitely a day I will never forget. It changed my life in a few ways. I've never climbed a mountain before and back then, I didn't know whether I will or not. Took up the challenge and voila. I kinda miss being in the mountains though.

Some days change you life forever. Sometimes it's not the things that happened to you, but even a tiny sight, or a glimpse of something can change your life forever. The view on top of Mt Kinabalu is definitely one of those. It was the highest point on earth I've ever climbed on and it's so amazing. Being on top of the clouds, seeing tiny lights down below, the cold air, and the silence.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, one of the view from our sleeping hut sparked my project wanderlust. I can still remember hanging below the hut with the others who are drying their wet gears and clothes (cause we were trekking in the pouring rain the previous day). It was 9 in the morning, the view was amazing, sky was clear and it's so beautiful. I can still clearly remember staring at the view of the creases of the hills in the distance, bathed in the glorious sunlight. That's when I told myself:

"I want to see the world, I'm missing a lot"

And that's when PW was created haha.

A simple view that's worth a moment of serendipity that I hope will change my life forever.

Monday 12 December 2016

In The Silence

Sometimes I sit in silence
at 4 AM, in my room.
Listening to the clock
beating with all its might.
And the sound of crickets
serenading the night.

Pondering about life
and everything else in between.
The future and the past,
the sights I've seen,
places I could go to,
how things could have been.

The sun rises, my windows lit up
a warm yellow glow.
A new day is here it says.
Sometimes I sit in silence
at 5 AM, in my room.
Pondering about better days.

Coming my way.

Sunday 11 December 2016

Wallet

 My humble wallet

This is a really really random post. So I was clearing my table just now when I saw my old wallet. Well it's not really old, it's my previous wallet. My brother in law's mum got me a new wallet and I've been using that wallet since March I think. However this wallet of mine above, my previous wallet, I've been using it since 2009! Can you believe it, seven years long. It's been with me for that long.

I can still remember buying it in Jakarta. It was during the December holiday after my O Levels. I decided to get a new wallet for a celebratory purchase haha. I can even still remember buying it at Point Break World. Ever since I entered poly, I feel "lazier" to get new things. Perhaps I was busier to notice all these desires to get new things. Or I've realised the redundancy to get new things.

But well this wallet of mine, I feel like I have some sort of connection with it. I mean... It's been with me together for 7 years. Wherever I go, it'll go with me. I tap my EZ link card on the bus and MRT with it. I buy things with it. I put my house key inside its coin compartment and so on. So many great memories. I can't leave home without it (except for special occasions of course).

I've always felt that we tend to forget how fast time could fly. And it is the small things that always remind us of that fact. Like my wallet! It's simply just a wallet. A dead, inanimate object. Yet it fills myself with so many memories and lots of random thoughts about the past 7 years of my life.

I have a new wallet now and I love it. Cause it has less compartments, since I no longer need them (no more student IC, EZ link, ATM card and house key). I hope to use it for as long, or longer, as my previous wallet. And perhaps in the future, I wonder what memories I'm going to have with it.

Saturday 10 December 2016

An Ode To Traveling

Be Here.

Someone once told me: "Adhi you travel a lot!"

I stopped for a while thinking, well... If once a year is considered a lot, thank you very much! It's true, I only travel once a year. And it's been a life resolution of mine since 2012 that I want to go somewhere new (and hopefully far) once a year. And I'm okay with it. I don't have to travel a lot every year. Once a year is enough to make me happy. Also PS: I don't count going back to Singapore as traveling.

I've made it a goal of mine, and a yearly resolution to travel somewhere new since 2012. It was during my trip with SP to Inner Mongolia and Mt Kinabalu that I realised wow, I've been missing a lot of great places in this world! And thus I'm determined to travel somewhere new every year. Especially when I'm young. I have the energy and (sort of) the time and money. Not sure how life will be in the future.

I call this personal project of mine "Project Wanderlust" (lets shorten it to PW). PW2012 was the east coast of USA, PW2013 was Bali (I've been here before but that was like 12 years back?), PW2014 was Iceland, PW2015 was Australia and my latest Project Wanderlust was Tibet this year. Right now, I have no idea and no plan of what PW2017 is going to be haha. Anyway I'm going to talk about my PW on a separate post. After all it's been 5 years since I started this project. Time flies really.

You know how much I love traveling. I told myself that I want to see as many places on this planet as possible. I want this body to see the great sights, to taste the great (vegetarian) food, to hear the sounds and to feel the surrounding. Across the years however, my perception of travel kinda change.

Back in 2013, I used to feel jealous and envious of people and friends when I see their travel photos. Maybe I read too many articles about traveling, and maybe I watched too many travel shows and travel vlogs. I have this mindset that I have to travel. Traveling makes me happy. I have to go out and see the world. What am I doing here. I should be out there traveling and living my life. 

I live under the bubble that living life to the fullest equals to traveling as often as possible. Seeing the great sights of the world yada yada. My perception of travel changes after my trip to Iceland. I went to Iceland for a short 5 days. When I told my friends that I was only going for 5 days, everyone was telling me "You need to stay longer!". But actually it was due to my short time, that I made a full and best use of my time in that beautiful country. I went to the places I planned to see and I enjoyed my trip.

After I returned home, do I feel happy? Yes. Do I feel sad? Yes. Do I feel accomplished? Absolutely. Most importantly is that I came to a serendipitous realisation that you don't have to travel like once a month to live your life to the fullest HAHAHA. Okay what I mean is that yes you should travel around the world if you want to, but you don't have to rush everything

I used to tell myself that traveling around the world is a goal of mine. It still is, but I am now rephrasing the goal to "traveling to places I want to go to". I think the word "world" is way too ambitious and ambiguous to begin with. I'm sure you've heard stories of people who leave everything behind and travel around the world. Yes. You literally need that kind of ambition and dedication to travel around the world.

Good news is, you don't have to if you don't want to. So after my trip to Iceland, I deleted my bucket list and created a new one. I list down the places that I want to do to, from the top priority which I hope to tick-off first, to the least ones. And I told myself okay lets achieve your dream as much as you can, to the best ability you can. Living your life to the fullest is never a race.

So yes, if in 2013 I told myself that I have to travel around the world to be happy, or to at least give me happiness in life, in 2014 this whole mindset is gone. I would say my change in perspective is also due to my journey of discovering the art of happiness. I learned a lot throughout these two years.

I've learned that happiness is not something you search and chase for but it is something that you create. So I asked myself a question, if I rely on traveling to make me happy, do I have to stop being happy if I couldn't get the chance to travel? Obviously no. So basically I learned that if you can't be happy wherever you are now, what makes you think that you can be happy somewhere else?

Also nothing is permanent in life. Even the illusion that traveling will make me happy.

If there is anything that traveling teaches me, is that living in the moment feels so blissful. During our travel, life is teaching us to be in the moment. To savour every time that we have in this place we've never been (or have been) at. And if you do it during your travel, you should apply it to your daily life too. After all our time on this life is very limited. Be here, and enjoy every moment of it.

Now that I have a responsibility to bear, and life being life, I do realise that it's getting harder for me to travel. But my legs are always itching for an adventure, and I will seize every opportunity to travel. If I have it, I'll create it, and I'll enjoy the trip to the fullest. If I don't then it's alright, life always has plans for us. And most importantly, be in the moment.

All in all, I'm not saying that we should just give up traveling. Neither should we give in to the idea that traveling won't make us happy. I'd say let us all be happy wherever we are, and that there is no need of unhappiness when we can't travel. Go to as many places as you want to see and celebrate every moment you have over there. And even if you can't travel, let us celebrate every moment we have wherever we are. That, to me is the definition of living life to the fullest now.

I'd like to end this post with a favourite travel quote of mine. It says:

"We travel not to escape life, but for life not to escape us".