Thirty One

It's the last day of November now which means that... We're left with 31 more fucking days to 2020! Okay sorry for the swearing, I'm just utterly shocked at the rate time is flying. I swear it feels like November just started yesterday. This month flew by rather quickly. Perhaps because too many things happened in this month. Mind's preoccupied and so on. Time flies when you and your mind is busy!

I don't want to start my yearly reflection early heh, I think there's still time to think and talk about it. But whew, it's been quite a year. Though it's kinda difficult to put it into words heh.

Anyway, I want to start writing more here. I think I'm pretty pressed for time to hit my goal. But I'll do it!

Here's to a Dauntless and Driven December, let's end 2019 beautifully!

Everyday Life

Right it's that time of the month again, where I'll share some awesome music of the month. I didn't discover a lot of music this month but two albums that I've been anticipating for quite some time are released! They are Coldplay's Everyday Life and Hindia's Menari Dengan Bayangan. Here goes.

Great Music of November

- Everyday Life by Coldplay (album)

- Menari Dengan Bayangan by Hindia (album)

- Blue Coloured Mountain EP by Szymon

- Bloodflow by Grandbrothers

- When Love Awaits by HMGNC

Song of The Month: Everyday Life by Coldplay and Secukupnya by Hindia

Okay shall not talk much about the songs. But yes as mentioned from last month's post, I've been very excited for new Coldplay album! And well, everytime they're releasing a new album I'm always stoked haha. Come to think of it I've been listening to them for the past 14 years now. How can I not be excited for a new album haha. I would say this double album is pretty good. Like I think it's one of Coldplay's best work. AROBTTH is still my favourite album from them tho heh.

But I just love the whole message behind the album, and their promos have been very interesting too! I think we might get another album soon next year. I've been reading some articles saying that they might be releasing a new one next year. Just like what they did for Ghost Stories and AHFOD releases.

And Hindia's new album is also pretty damn good. Definitely one of my top 5 of the year I'd say! I just discovered him about a month ago I think. I didn't know that it's the solo project of .feast vocalist haha. The video for Secukupnya appeared on my recommended tab and when I first listened to it... I actually cried haha. I think this song (or the album) reflects my life in the recent years a lot.

I wish you can understand Indonesian because the words are awesome really. 

Alright that's all for now. Damn it, the year is coming to an end. Again.

Menari Dengan Bayangan

So I just listened to Hindia's debut album called Menari Dengan Bayangan (Dancing With The Shadow) which is released tonight (it's past 12 AM now heh). Wow. I'm just blown away. I think this is an incredible album. I feel like I have found a piece of me that I've been searching for a long time. Thank you Baskara for this masterpiece. I think a lot of people will find solace in this album.

I discovered Hindia recently after discovering .feast, and in fact I didn't know Hindia is Bas' solo project haha. Was a bit confused at first but yep I ultimately found out that Bas is .feast's vocalist and Hindia is his solo project. I really hope to see him live one day! I really enjoy this album. His songs are amazingly... Empowering but at the same time also comforting. It really made me feel less alone.

Once again thank you Bas for this beautiful album. I hope you do take care of yourself too.

Would like to end with one of my favourite lines from Mata Air

Mata airmu ada di sini

Mata airmu diri sendiri

Temukan makna hidup mu sendiri

Menarilah dengan bayangan diri sendiri

Standby

Okay so sorry for not blogging for a long time. Lots of things happened... Okay not exactly a lot of things, just one. My dad fell sick for the past week. It was quite serious that he had to be put on IV drips and administered with antibiotics for this whole week! Thankfully he's so much better on Saturday. Still weak but better than the whole of last week. And today he's off-IV and feeling much better.

Well basically he developed a secondary infection. I think it was a viral infection first (on last-last Saturday (16/11). He had a recurring fever and it was on and off. And he's like getting better, then the fever returns and so on. We ordered a blood test and his leucocytes level was normal. Suspected of dengue or typhoid fever but both went negative as well (twice). But for the whole of last week his fever didn't subside. So on Thursday he went for more blood test and his leucocytes and neutrophils increased! So doctor suspected a following bacterial infection and... Thus antibiotics.

And yup after finishing his dose of anticiotics, he's much better on Saturday. So I'm glad everything turned out fine! I was just really worried when his fever didn't go away. Cause my dad never has fever for more than 2 days-ish heh. He usually gets well after 1-3 days, and be normal again.

The human body is amazing but it can be scary too I guess. Take care of yourself folks.

Endgame

We're left with 6 and a half more weeks to the end of 2019 and... Can I finish writing 100 entries here?! That's a question haha. I'm currently also struggling to fill up my journal even though I'm confident that I will be able to do it! I have plans for the endgame. Wow sounds so Avengers haha. 

Actually sadly speaking... I might not continue blogging next year. I mean I will still blog, but not as often as I used to. I'm still going to aim for 50 posts a year. And I hope to continue keeping this blog alive. I really don't wanna abandon you. You've been a friend of mine for the past 11 years!

Also I'm just keeping my English skill up to standard. I realise sometimes it's kind of deteriorating already heh, I forget a few words and so on. So blogging is one way where I can keep it alive too. And yeah I just want to keep on writing until I can't write anymore. There will be a huge change next year!

The endgame is coming. Lets finish good.

Loneliness // Aloneness

It's apparently some Single's day today, which is a weird day to begin with. A day to celebrate being single? A day for singles to down their sorrow by shopping? Hahaha. I'm not sure. But lets talk about something related to being single - loneliness! I wouldn't deem it as a negative thing tho.

I recently saw a IG story of an Instagrammer I followed and he was discussing about a book, I forgot the title but it's about being alone. And he mentioned about how he often doesn't realise that he does a lot of things alone. And that really strike a chord inside of me. Because I kinda do the same!

Okay I'm not completely alone here. I have my family and so on. But compared to my days in Singapore, I have become someone who's way less socially active heh. I have adapted a routine that revolves around work and family and so on. As for my social activity, it's almost close to none hah.

I mean the only people I interact with are my family and my workers. I don't have any friends here. Which is fine, I mean we're all adults now and my friends here are either married or working out of town. And of course, my close friends are all in Singapore and that's okay too. 

I don't necessarily feel lonely at all here. Perhaps I have gotten used to being alone; even way back when I was still in Singapore. There are moments where I do realise that I am alone. Like on weekends I would just spend it at home, alone in my room. Journaling, blogging, listening to music and so on. And it's not something bad for me. I kinda enjoy it and it's something that I live with.

But there are days where I also think about the future - if my life will remain like this forever. And the thought of changing this with the addition of somebody else. Will I enjoy it more? Or will my peace be disturbed heh. I'm not socially dismissive tho! Like I'm fine with human interactions heh.

Just that I feel as I grow older, I am more inclined to have interactions that matter. I really have no time for small talks and conversations that get me nowhere. Hollow relationships and so on.

You see I still see myself staying single forever. I am not worried about not finding someone heh. But at the same time I'm also having an open mind about being in a relationship. Although to be honest all these years, the former still reign supreme in my heart. I enjoy being alone - without being lonely!

I don't really like the idea/thought that we all need a partner in our lives. Like we have to be in a relationship and so on. I hope I don't sound crude but I have a philosophy that we need to be able to be happy with ourselves first. Because if we rely on other people for happiness, trust me, we'll be miserable. But of course I'm not saying that we should all be single haha. It's just me.

I also don't like the idea that a couple "completes each other". I think we're all whole as human beings but our companion should complete each other, not our union. I hope you get what I mean.

I had a conversation about this once - someone asked me "who's going to take care of you when you're old?" Well my answer to that is - myself! Hahaha. Like well I would love to learn how to take care of myself, and how to be self sufficient. Then I can rely on myself and not anyone else. Until the day arrives where I can no longer take of myself. Then that's another problem to think about heh.

Which is why all in all, I don't see loneliness as a negative thing. Or perhaps I don't really like to call it loneliness but solitude. The art of being alone is something difficult to learn. But I'm eager to master!

Spinning // Slowing

Perhaps this world has enough people that keep it spinning. 

Perhaps it needs more people that slow it down.

I came across with this thought a while back. When I saw this photo that I shoot when I was in Singapore, after it got developed. It's just a random thought after seeing these skyscrappers that are constantly built everywhere. Not just Singapore but around the world. And this is our world.

We often hear the saying "money makes the world go round" and well it's kinda accurate. Some days it feels like we're just caught in this money chase. And it is in these chase that the world keeps "spinning". Sometimes it goes too fast that we don't even know what we passed through.

So perhaps yes, we have enough people that keep this world spinning. And we need more people that slow it down. People who have seen through this "chase". People who live not for this "chase". These are the people that can slow down the spinning of this world. People who create arts and make people stop and ponder. People who write stories that make people sit and read and contemplate. People who make music that make the world slow down. And make people be at peace.

But at the end of the day I often feel that... We're all sucked into this vortex of the chase. Some days I feel that we're made to be part of the chase. I'm not sure by what and by who. But... It's there.

Outweighs

I took this photo of St Andrew's Cathedral back in my trip to Singapore last month from the hotel room. City Hall will always be a sentimental place for me. After all, I spent 5 months learning English before I entered primary school at a language centre in Adelphi centre. It's called NYU Language centre.

My class starts at 9:30 AM every day. I would leave the house by 8 AM and I have to catch the train (with my housemate back then, Vesti) from Clementi by 8:45-9 AM ish. I remember how we would rush to go to the train station if we're late. Or how sometimes I have to go to the toilet to do some unfinished business before reaching class hahaha. Crazy to think it's been 17 years since all these!

And so I have to walk along that long walkway from the MRT to Adelphi centre, walking along the Cathedral. Sometimes I would meet some of my classmates and we would walk together. I kinda miss those days. Life was so much simpler. We would go for lunch at 11 till 12 at Funan foodcourt. My favourite was the chicken rice (as always) or the Korean food. Sometimes my friends would treat each other drinks as we help one another to buy them from the drinks stall.

But you know what I miss the most from those days?

I miss the days where certainty seemed to outweigh holding on to a hope. 

Somehow in those days, I didn't worry much. I lived my life as if things "will go according to plan". I would learn English, go for my entrance test at a primary school, attend primary school, take my PSLE, move to secondary school and so on. It was as if life felt so certain. I mean of course, anything could happen you know. But somehow I seemed to live my life as if whatever I imagined and believes will definitely happen. And now... Everything seems to be the opposite.

Perhaps I've truly learned that the only certainty in life is uncertainty itself. And there's no way I can be sure that everything is certain. Now I hold on to hope more. Because I know that nothing is certain for sure! Sometimes I feel sad thinking about this. But hey, it's life. There's no denying this.