Another Side

I've always felt that studying in Singapore for 11 years have changed me as a person. Gradually, progressively, I feel like I'm changing a lot as an individual. And upon returning back home for good, I realised how much all of these is contributed with me spending a lot of time alone, or away from my parents and family all these years. Which is kind of a good and bad thing?

I feel that when you spend a lot of years away living abroad, away from your parents, you will discover another side of you that you have never seen before. Not even your parents, friends and teachers see this side of you before. And one day if they do, they will either be shocked positively or negatively. And because you spent all these years away from them, you sort of made yourself believe that this is who I am, this is who I want to be, who I am supposed to be. 

But well, parents being parents, they already have some sort of expectations about you. They have a vision of what kind of person they want you to be, or the kind of person they think you should be. And because they haven't discovered this another side of yours yet, they'll feel startled to realise that the person they expect you to become... Is not there at all. Another person is there.

Maybe Shakespeare is right all along, that expectations is the root of all heartache. I guess it's normal and okay for parents to have an expectation about their children. But I think it's more important to let them become the person they want to be? But well I'm an Asian. So *shrugs*

But I think this matter doesn't only revolve around parents-children relationship. So all in all:

I think being alone can be dangerous sometimes. When you're alone a lot of time, you will discover another side of yourself that you have never discovered before. Not even your parents, your friends or your family. When you show this side of yours to them, they will be surprised, either positively or negatively, because they already have an expectation of the kind of person they want you to become. But because you made yourself believe that this is who I am, this is who I want and who I am supposed to be, you feel weird about the way they react. And you start to begin questioning your personality and identity. And you will create a shell where your soul calls abode. As you discover more undiscovered sides of you, you decide to hide in your shell because you feel it's pointless to show it to other people. You might feel special, but it feels sad too, that no one will know who you truly are.

Living together

I realised one of the biggest differences I have now, from my life back in Singapore, is the fact that I am living with other people. I mean obviously, I have my family around me. Whereas in Singapore I am alone, and I am responsible for the things I do. And I have to take care of myself, which includes not falling sick, make sure I fed myself well and so on.

For example, when I got back here I often wondered why the hand soap ran out quickly. Or the bath soap and the toothpaste. Well it's because now the soap is shared with like 5 people in the house, or three people for the bath soap (because I shared the bathroom with 2 of my sisters last time). Whereas in Singapore, my soaps can last for like three months. Because I was the only person who used them.

And when it comes to food, I just need to keep myself fed. I cook for myself and buy food for myself. I can cook a huge casserole of pasta and eat them for three days in a row. I can buy a packet of fried rice, and if I don't finish it I will just put it inside the fridge for tomorrow's breakfast/lunch/dinner. But now I don't get my own food (unless it's vegan days, where I cook myself) but the food is cooked by my maid or my mum. And I'm the family's black hole for food, so remaining food will go into my stomach. 

That's why I can never lose weight here heh.

I suppose living alone really make you into a responsible and independent person. And perhaps it's easier too? Because you're in full control of yourself. You get to eat what you want, how much you want, and do whatever you want with any leftovers. You have the ultimate freedom to do what you want, without others' consent and without thinking others will think of you.

Nothing is perfect, living alone has its flaws too.

But I miss it sometimes.