In 2020

Right, it's the dawn of the last day of 2020 and as usual, here I am reflecting on what probably has been the craziest year that humanity has ever been through. To be honest, like what I mentioned here once, I don't think I'll ever know what and how I will feel at the end of this crazy year. But here we all are now. We've made it this far. How do I feel? I don't know. I just feel really tumultuous.

Tumultuous is the right word to describe this year because I feel like 2020 has been such a storm. It is a storm that the world went through. I once saw this analogy on Instagram about how we're all facing the same storm but we are not on the same boat. Yes, we're all facing a storm. But some of us are on a boat, some of us have no choice but to walk through the storm, some of us are on a yacht, some of us are on large mansions just watching the storm to pass. I hope you get what I mean.

But this is a storm that all of us are going through. And to me I'd like to use Sigur Ros' description of their song Stormur, which also means storm. They described the song stormur as "a force able to disrupt and alter all the comes in its path" and to me this is a perfect description for this year. Or for COVID-19. Our life has been disrupted, and at the end of all of this madness, our lives will be altered.

To be honest as I'm writing this now, I don't know what to feel about the year. Was it a bad year? Sure is. Was it a good year? I can't say so but I do learn a lot from it. I just feel like somehow, this is a year that I have to go through. In one way, COVID has really disrupted my life. Plans cancelled, things changed, and my life gets pretty confusing at times. But somehow, through this madness, I have somehow learned and accepted that life is showing me a path. 

In a way, it feels like this storm is clearing my path. It is showing me a path that I could walk on. As weird as this may sound, in this madness, I found peace. In different serendipitous ways.

Firstly, this year has taught me to let go of things that I cannot control. Although in a harsh way, I think this is an essential lesson that every human being should learn. Because we are all control freaks sometimes. We believe in the illusion of a beautiful permanence, when everything in life is impermanent. The flower business was disrupted greatly. Thousands of flowers gone to waste. We couldn't sell it. I lost income. But I changed, I kept going. Until I can't.

Through this madness I just realised that hey, I cannot control this pandemic. I have planted the flowers for harvest but they cannot be harvested, they cannot be sold. I have let go of this idea. It's a terrifying thing to do. This is the first time in my life where I experienced zero income. And I am so ever thankful of the support given by my family and my siblings who kept me going.

Secondly, I found peace in my belief that life always finds a way. Okay I can't talk much about this but yes, although the flower business has been greatly ruined by the pandemic, we have now scaled down the business and we're doing something else. This new project was something that has been on our mind but we never know how to execute it. But somehow as the year went by, slowly and slowly we get to see how we can execute it. Once again, I am graced by the beauty of impermanence.

The idea that things are always in a constant flux. That things change. That our misery will one day end, and so will our happiness. It's something unimaginable but slowly, it is revealing itself to us. That the idea of holding on into something fixed is always a bad idea. We have to learn to adapt, to move forward, and be in this cycle of impermanence. We are  impermanent ourselves.

But although I have to admit that this year has taught me about how life is just a constant battle of believing that "life will always find a way", and "no things are going haywire". Don't worry, I have also learned to hold on to the empty nature of reality. To be in the present. And see it unfolds.

Last but not least, I found peace in seeing the true colours of humanity. That this pandemic is a result of our collective ignorance as a species. But at the same time I see the strength and beauty of humanity. How we help each other. How doctors and healthcare workers put themselves at the frontline. How essential workers keep out lives going. How scientists work tirelessly to solve this huge puzzle. Despite of the lurking danger, yet here we are working together as a human being.

The lockdowns and its effect on this planet goes to show that hey, we can do something to save it. The knowledge that the dangers of future pandemic goes to show we can stop future ones. The biggest question is, can we do it? Or are we just going to get used to living in fear. 

Although our ignorance are also part of this 2020 kaleidoscope. The inequality, injustice, greed, ignorance and so on. They are showing up in this year. Things that seem invisible are rising on the surface and people are starting to have their eyes opened. And I just sincerely hope that we can all walk towards better days in the future. After going through so much in this insane year.

2020 has shown that we are having bad relationship with different people. Firstly, with ourselves. With earth. And with one another. 

I've seen how we live in fear in this pandemic. We are all terrified of one tiny virus that is invisible to the naked eye. We are all afraid of catching a disease that is kind of beyond our control (we know the virus is lurking out there, but we cannot ensure 100% that we won't get it. We just do necessary precautions not to get it). Yet prior to the pandemic, we don't take care of our own health. Something that is within our control - the food we eat, the things we do for our body, and our mind.

I've seen how this world comes to a stand still with the lockdowns. And there are visible positive impacts we can see on our planet. Clearing skies, returning wildlife and so on. We've seen the warning of future pandemics, but we still let them happen. We have the knowledge to do so. This pandemic is a proof that we can do something to save this planet and to save humanity. This pandemic has given us a chance to be a better planet, and a better species. The question is: 

Are we going to do something about it?

I've seen how this world plunges into an anxious planet. We live in fear and anxiety. Things are not easy. This pandemic shows that we can become a kinder planet. We can learn more about ourselves, and the struggles that some people are going through even before the pandemic. 2020 has given us a chance to be a kinder planet. Where we all learn that hey, we can make this world a better place.

Well, in 2020 the world has suffered greatly. In the middle of a pandemic, people still have to live through natural disasters due to climate change. People become victims of political turmoil. The economical imbalance have shown itself in this year. We have to change. We must change. We cannot stay the same. And that's my wish for the future. I hope we can all form better relationships with ourselves, with this planet and with other fellow human beings.

And everything begins from within.

Alright I guess that's all from me. Today is the last day of 2020. Once again, I don't know what and how to feel. Even though I have written all of this, 2020 has left me empty. But perhaps it is just waiting to be filled again with things. Wholesome things. Great things. And I hope we can all be whole again.

Before I leave this year, I'd like to offer my condolences to everyone who has lost their lives from COVID-19. I have lost a friend too this year, from this cruel pandemic. And also to everyone else whom in one way or another, lost their lives this year. And I'd like to send love and power to everyone who has been affected by this pandemic. I hope we can all get through this in health and in safety.

I'd also like to thank all of the doctors, nurses, healthcare workers for putting themselves in the frontline. The scientists who work tirelessly to solve this crazy puzzle, without whom we cannot have a vaccine now, in this incredible speed. The frontline and essential workers who keep the world running and going. Without whom this year will fall into a helpless chaos.

Last but not least, to everyone else. Congratulations, and thank you for making it this far. The pandemic will not leave along with 2020. But remember, we've still got places to see and stories to write.

Stay safe and healthy everyone. Take care.