Goodbye Singapore, and Thank You.

(First of all take note that I've been writing this since 24/5/2013, one day before I left Singapore)

Well, it seems so surreal and bizarre that I am finally going back tomorrow. Going back for good. No longer living in my cosy humble room in Singapore. No longer coming back in Singapore for schools and so on, I'll stay in a hotel the next time I'm here. I've spent 11 years living on this sunny island I called my second home. And now I'm returning back to my homeland. I will really really miss this place like a lot. Too many good things happened. And learned.

I was packing my room and table with my sis with great difficulty. Not because of the size and amount and such only, but also because of the waves of memories that rushed within me. My primary school report book, PSLE score, my Tanglin report book, class photos and so on. And then I just graduated so seeing all the SP stuff on my table made me really look back on the journey I've embarked on. It just seems so fucking surreal that I'm going home.

There are seriously too many stories to be looked back upon. Too many lessons I have learned. Too many things I will miss doing. Too many things, just too many. I don't even know where to begin with. I can't possibly list down the things that I will miss or every bit of memory that remain within me and so on and forth. I really don't know where to begin.

Leaving Singapore is like leaving a life, literally. A life you've been living for 11 years. Something like a habit you've been doing, a routine. Every day, every week and every month. And to realise that you're finally going to leave this routine, forever, it just feels so weird. One, I don't know how will life be after this. Two, I don't know how I can bear leaving this place and holding the memories of the 11 years. Time seems to fly so quickly. I didn't realise at times.

Like all journeys in life, and the Buddhist teaching of Anicca, which is the contemplation of impermanence, everything will one day come to an end. I know this deeply even back then when I first came to Singapore. I know there will come a day where I will go back to my homeland, for good. I just don't know when. And after years and years of living here and studying here, tomorrow is finally the day that I'm going back for good. The day is here.

(Writing this now as of 27/5/2013, I'm back in Indonesia)

I guess the whole of 25/5 happened really fast. I didn't expect it to happen that fast. But well yup I'm writing this in my room back in Indonesia, knowing I will never return to Singapore back as a student, to study there like how I used to be for the past eleven years. When I woke up on 26/5, it feels so weird. I woke up with the fact that I'm no longer going back here just for a holiday and I'm now back for good. But life has to go on, right?

Anyway I'm thankful of the 5 friends of mine - Carmen, Jolene, Sharon, Shaula and Tacy for sending me off to the airport on the 25th. And also to Carmen, Jolene, Sharon, Melissa and Tacy for the lovely scrapbook you made for me! It's so lovely and I even cried as I flipped through it at the airport. When I read it in my room at night when I was back in Indo I... (shall not say) but I couldn't help but feel sad about the whole going back thing.

But I'm really glad on the other hand to have met people like them! It really made me feel that my life in Singapore was made so much more memorable and fun thanks to these people. Also not forgetting the farewell cards that a few of you made for me. I was crying as I read them on the plane. It was just so sad haha. Can't bear to leave you all and the sunny island. But like I mentioned above, life has to go on and it will. So... Yeah.

As I was waiting to board that plane home, it occurs to me that my 11 years of life in Singapore was playing like a flashback. All the memories jumbled up beautifully like a tapestry playing in my head. I looked back and looked back and I am really happy of the outcome. Of the life I have lived for the past 11 years. Being an independent foreign student living in Singapore. The people I've met, the trips I went to and the friendships and relationships I've forged.

So yes I must say that I am sad for leaving, but at the same time I am happy for the experience. Because if it's not for these eleven years, I wouldn't be who I am today. If it's not for the people I've met and the things that happened to me, I wouldn't make it this far. So yes, like Dr Seuss said, don't be sad because it's over but be happy because it happened.

When I weigh the things over - between what if I didn't come to Singapore to study and with the fact that I have come here to study, things will be so much more different and I wouldn't even want to imagine how I will be if I were not to come to Singapore to study. The things I have learnt, the independence I gained, the goals I have reached and the dreams I have fulfilled. I would seriously be a totally different person (more of in a less good way).

One thing that I gained from all these eleven years of studying in Singapore, is independence.

Living away from my parents, and only to live with my brother and sister (from 02-03) and with my eldest sister (04-08) and my elder sister (10-12), it is natural that I have to learn how to be responsible with myself and to take care of myself. I guess not having your parents around can let you do things. To wreak havoc and to take responsibility of your own actions. And of course being a  "guai kia" I chose the latter. Though I did some of the first choice hah.

Like going to the doctor by yourself when you're sick, going grocery shopping by yourself so that you're not hungry and your well being is being maintained. Cooking your own or buying your own food. Paying and being responsible of your bills and so on. All these revolve around maintaining and controlling your own monthly allowance. So back then life was rather fun, challenging and confusing. Deciding what to eat/cook for dinner was one of life's hardest decisions back then. I'm serious! Haha. Sometimes indomie would save the day.

And all these came into a climax when I was on my last year of poly life. Because I was living entirely by myself. It was weird and difficult at first being alone and not having anyone by your side. For example I would usually have my sister to talk to after school but then, I had no one to talk to. I would just cook dinner, watch the TV and then do my assignments. Blogging and social media was one of the platforms to keep me "communicable".

And to keep me sane there were my piano, music, blog, diary and of course running. Being alone challenged me to make my life more meaningful - to be happy by yourself. That's when I begin taking long walks (like walking home), exploring places alone (Like Labrador Park), just chilling alone in Starbucks with my journal and so on and forth. And from all these experiences I begin to appreciate the joy of being alone. The joy of solitude.

How I learned that, sometimes, loneliness gives me happiness. 

Well actually being alone would be something I will miss the most from my life in Singapore. I know when I'm going back here I'll be meeting lots of people at work. And yeah, less me-times. I will try my best to fit some me-times into my life though for sure.

Singapore has also given me many chances to do things I would never imagine myself doing. From music wise, to adventure and of course in terms of school.

The three schools I went to - Pei Tong Primary School, Tanglin Secondary School and Singapore Polytechnic, have really impressed me a lot. Although I have only been to a primary school here in Indonesia till I'm P4, schools in Singapore differ so greatly as compared here to my homeland. Of course, in many different ways. I just love how schools in Singapore teach us in a more holistic way. There are camps, many CCAs to choose from, and we got to learn and experience many other things that I didn't imagine myself experiencing.

Music has always been my passion since young. When I was a little boy I always wanted to learn the piano, or to be part of an orchestra. And although I'm sad that PTPS didn't have a band/Chinese Orchestra I was a proud member of its Angklung/Kulintang Ensemble! And it was in primary 5 when I went with my sister to watch NYJC band performance. They played "The Seventh Night of July" by Itaru Sakai. That's when I decided I WANT to join band in secondary school. And so I did, till I reached poly.

And joining band was one of the best decisions I made in life. Getting to perform in Esplenade concert hall with SPSB was really a dream come true for me. 23rd January 2011 is a day I will never forget, for it's the first time in my life that I performed with SPSB in Esplenade. And also the 16th of November 2012 which was the last concert I had with SPSB, also in Esplenade. I guess many people would consider this as something rather small.

But to think that I come from a small town, where classical music is not something that is being loved by many people's ears, I really think performing in such a world-class concert hall (to me that is, since I haven't experienced others) is such a huge deal to me. Feels like the dream that I had when I was young came true and yup I feel really happy about it. Not forgetting too, to be able to perform overseas in Korea, in public! Definitely another memorable event.

So that's music wise. Adventure wise? I am a proud member of an awesome team known as The Green Transformers. It was an environmental project in Inner Mongolia where we planted fir trees to combat desertification in that region, and also to prevent sandstorms. At the age of 19 I wouldn't imagine myself going to such places in the world for an environment project. And here I am, being proud of the team which planted 1133 trees during the project!

And following that year too, a group of us climbed Mount Kinabalu for our Leadership Programme (LEAP) Intermediate. Similarly, climbing a mountain or can I also say, the highest mountain in Southeast Asia, was never in my agenda during those times. But well I gave it a try, gave it a shot and with the help of my team mates I was able to summit to the top and of course go down safely in one piece haha. It was truly a memorable trip, and still by far the greatest achievement that I ever did in terms of adventure.

So yeah being in Singapore has let me discover many beautiful places in the world that I myself didn't imagine could visit. All these trips taught me how beautiful the world is and that there are so many places that I should see to satisfy my knowledge. The different landscapes, cultures and people really made me open my eyes that this world is one huge beautiful place. And it just made me hunger to go more different places in this world.

And of course, in my last year in Singapore I signed up for a lot of 10KM races. It all begin in 2011 with Standard Chartered Marathon 10K. Seeing my friend, Weiping, who ran for a lot of races (and run fast!) really inspired me and made me want to try to run too. Slowly and slowly, with a silent whisper of "give it a go" I just signed up for more races in 2012. A total of 6 races that I signed up for. And similarly, running wasn't something I was fond of. But it turned out to be something I enjoyed doing and I hope I can continue to go for races even when I'm back here.

School was both fun and enriching to me. I love practicals the most, because they are when I get to put what I learn from the books and notes to real life. They opened my eyes about the real science world and I am always being fascinated by it. Lectures were fun with some of the awesome lecturers I have met. I have always loved biology since secondary school. And I always wonder how the human body works. In these three years, many of life's questions have been answered for me. Though I know deeply I still have billions of questions unanswered.

The human body is too complex.

And from school, not forgetting the aesthetic side too - the camps! Back from the DPA camp that I went when I entered SP, to CLS FOC which was really fun, the band camps and last but not least the camp that left me with the most impact was CLS Foundation Leadership Camp (FLC). The camp which I learnt the most, and the camp which left me with the most impact even up till today. I'm so glad to have been selected for the camp.

So yeah, going to Singapore to study has given me so many opportunities to learn and to grow as an individual back from when I was a young boy of 10 till now. And also it has given me the opportunities to discover another side of me which I never knew before. It has fulfilled some of my dreams and goals, and let me do things I never imagined myself doing. And I am really really thankful of all the things that I have experienced in these years.

I have met many people in Singapore. And many people who really shaped myself to be who I am today. I guess people come and go in your life, all for a reason. A reason which you may not know now but maybe a few years later or something like that. I couldn't really say everyone who have done so. And even if I were to list a few, I think it's not fair for the many others whom I don't mention. But I'm really glad to have met each and everyone of you who have made my life in Singapore such a joyful one.

And even to those who brought dark clouds to my days, I thank you because I learned the value of happiness. And I also learned not to be someone who I don't want to be haha. So sorry for being mean.

Teachers and lecturers, thank you for imparting your knowledge to me. Without the hard work that you have put in, and the sleepless nights you spent marking our papers, I wouldn't be who I am today. I am thankful for your dedication and time you have given to us, guiding us and shaping us to who we are today. Both as a student, and as a human being.

To my friends, thank you for the joy and fun we had together. And also for being there beside me as we brave the storms together. The food we savoured and the bitterness we threw away. The tears we cried and the drama we just laugh simply at now, and also the youth we had went through. The memories you wrote in my mind and the love you cast in my heart.

To the insignificantly significant people I met. Like the owners of the minimart below my block, the hairdresser I've been going to for 9 years, the shop helpers at Jo Ann Foh (which is the shop I printed my photos and develop my films), the Mr Bean aunty that greeted me every morning as I got my breakfast, the aunty from Foodcourt 3 drink stall who (I think) hated me because I always ask for less ice or ask for complicated orders like teh-o-peng-kosong. Well these people really add colours to my life on the sunny island. And I thank you for that.

So from everything, and everyone. The people I have met and the things that happened to me, I learned one truly important lesson about life and that is everything happened for a reason. Life may not give you a reason now, but it may give you a reason three days later, ten days and so on. But yup, the past eleven years have taught me all these. And because of this I learned to be more calm and be more accepting. Stop pointing fingers at others and life but maybe I should think hard again, and wait. Because life may just give you the answer.

Where am I heading next you may ask?

I'm going back to Indonesia, my homeland as you all know. And I'll be helping out my dad in his business. And yes, his business is totally unrelated to what I studied (ssshh keep the comments to yourself). This decision I made may be a tough one for me but I'm going to take one step at a time and I'm sure I will be able to help out in the end. As much as life is like a storybook, you can't just flip over to a new chapter. In life, you need time to adjust.

For the past eleven years my parents have been supporting me both financially and emotionally. Financially, of course the living expenses and the school fees. Though as I grow older I become more financially free from them through my savings. Like for my overseas trips in poly I would pay it by myself (or sometimes my mum insist to help me pay a few). And like my gadgets be it my camera of my iPod and handphone. Being a foreign student, school fees are not small. So I am really really grateful and thankful to have my parents' support and help.

Emotionally? Well they supported my decisions, and also allow me to go for trips. But the emotional burden that I truly felt from them is to have their children/son being away from their side for most of the time. If you just realise, I spent all my year in Singapore, only to come back to my hometown during holidays. So lets do some maths here. In Sec school I would go back on CNY + June Holiday + End of year holiday and that would equal to 4 + 28 + 45 = 77 days. So I would only spend about two months plus back at home with them.

I guess I'm thankful that in polytechnic, holidays are spread out more evenly. Although sometimes I spent some of these holidays with camps or overseas trips. So every year I would get roughly the same amount of days back at home. So I know the emotional burden that they have to bear. Especially back in the beginning when three of their children were overseas. At least towards the end there were two and then lastly, one and that is me.

I could see the sense of relief my father has when I went back here on a Sunday. And I felt glad too, to realise that at least now my parents know I'll be by their side. No longer spending only 2 months plus a year back at home. And I feel glad for them too.

My parents are no longer young you see. Nobody is forever young. It seems so scary and sad to me that last time it was my dad who held my hand when I was walking. And now I am the one holding his hand as he walks on slippery ground or going down the stairs. Last time it was my mum whom I hold on to as I go up the escalator, now it's the opposite too. I've been noticing and experiencing this last year. And I knew deep in my heart that I have to go home.

After what they have given me for the past 11 years, I guess it's time to return home and pay them back.

So to (no offence) those who thought that I'm going back to "waste my three years of poly" "waste a placement in my course" "waste a placement in Singapore" "took the wrong course" and so on and forth, I hope you could take back your words after knowing the reason why I'm going back for good. If not then too bad.

I really don't think I have wasted my years in poly. I don't think I took the wrong choice. I fully learned what I've been wanting to learn about. As I left SP with my GPA, I really don't think I wasted my three years. I don't think I took the wrong choice, because if I did, I wouldn't be in this course anymore. Or I would have left halfway.

Life is never a straight road. You can never expect things to go smoothly for you. We are never born to walk through a straight path without meeting curves and roadblocks and so on. Besides like what I always said, the things I learned and the lessons I gained from these three years are too precious to be wasted. So I really have no regrets choosing this path, choosing this course, and even making this decision of going back home.

Besides, sometimes I question myself. Have school lost its name as a place where we learn and get knowledge, to become a place where we SOLELY prepare for our future. Do we come to school to learn, or do we come to school to become what we want to be. Do we come to school to get knowledge? Or to just come as robots telling ourselves this is what I will do in the future and if I don't do this I should go away from here.

Is it wrong to learn how to make a pizza, but you ended up making pasta for dinner? Has the skill you earn gone to the bin?

Okay enough of the essay-writing-like moments.

I guess I will stop here. To end of this longest post in my blogging history, I just want to thank everyone whom I've met in the past 11 years for giving colours and wonders in my life on the sunny island that has become my second home. To the things I have experienced, and basically to Singapore for shaping who I am today. These eleven years will definitely be the highlight of my life, a journey and memory that I will never forget.

So with that,
Thank you.