Eternity

A week ago, my aunt passed away. And I was there together with my aunt, uncle, sister and brother witnessing her taking her last breath. It was quite a traumatising experience for me, but at the same time I felt a bit of relief because she's finally free from pain and suffering. And she left this world without experiencing pain, because she has lost consciousness prior to this.

So on last Sunday, just as I was about to fall asleep at 7:15 AM-ish, I was woken up by my maid, who told me that my aunt had lost consciousness and was just "snoring". This is a term we used here when people lost consciousness. I came to check her condition and was pretty shocked to see her condition. She was having high fever, and her heart rate was beating really fast. Checked her blood pressure and it was normal. But the fever and super fast heart rate was worrying me a lot.

We called for an ambulance and brought her to the emergency room. Doctor did a CT scan and X-ray on her because we thought her throat was filled with mucus. We suspected an infection (the fever) and thought it was in her lungs. X-ray turned out clean, and we even tried to suck her mucus out but there was no mucus. The CT scan came out bad, because there was bleeding throughout her brain.

Her blood test came out normal with no high cholesterol/triglyceride level. She didn't have any fall prior to this either. She was put inside the ICU for more monitoring, it was 9:30 AM then. While in the ICU, the doctor (who's also my dad's friend) called me up to deliver a bad news. The bleeding in her brain was pretty severe and she had a slim chance to go back to normal. We had another option and it was surgery, but it was also too late because the damage is quite bad.

The doctor eventually told us that she might be suffering from aneurysm. Or that she might have an abnormality of the blood vessel in her brain that caused it to rupture and bleed out.

At 10 AM the doctor and nurses at the ICU called us out to tell us that the condition wasn't doing well. Her consciousness level was also at 3 (out of 15). And the doctor told us that at this level, it is rather impossible for the person to make it out alive. This is when my heart sank. And what's worst is I am the person-in-contact between the doctor and my father. It feels tough to be a bringer of bad news.

11 AM, her blood pressure went haywire. It was at 170/120. Doctor and nurse called us in again to just pray for the best, and we waited again. 12 PM - her blood pressure started to decrease at 70/40, together along with her heart rate. Her breathing slowed down significantly as well. We were all just preparing for the worst, and it was so much more tougher than I thought it's going to be.

1 PM - doctor and nurses called us in for one last time. They offered us if we want to resuscitate and  put her on life support, if she were to reach terminal state. I consulted the doctor but he said it's not going to help, because the bleeding has reached her brain stem. We also noticed that she started to bleed internally from the feeding tube. The capillaries on her legs became more visible too.

I called my dad and the rest of my aunts (who were on their way to the hospital) to ask about their decision. We decided not to resuscitate her and to also not put her on life support. With a heavy heart, we said no to the doctor. 1:30 PM, her breathing rate, blood pressure and heart rate went down really really low. We all started crying at this point but there's nothing we could do really. Doctor and nurse asked us to say our last words to her while we still can, and while she's still here.

1:45 PM, we witnessed her taking in her last breath, and breathing it out. Her chest slowed down its movement and eventually came to a stop. Her heart rate monitor jumbled up, and eventually went to a flat line. My dad, aunts and uncle lost their eldest sister. We lost an aunt then.

It was definitely one of the most heart-breaking moments of my life.

My aunts came, followed by my cousins. We brought her body home to prepare for the funeral. She was buried yesterday near my grandparents. The last 6 days have been nothing else but an emotional roller coaster for me. It was my first time, experiencing first-hand, losing someone who is part of my daily life. Someone I meet almost every day. It was heart wrenching.

What saddens me the most is the fact that we lost her in such a short time. Just on Saturday evening, I was still talking to her and she was doing alright. My dad was still talking to her. My aunt came for a visit on Thursday and she was still doing normal. And in 6 hours, we lost her forever.

As I witnessed her taking her last breath on Sunday, it felt like the 66 years of her life has culminated into that gush of air her lungs pushed for the very last time. At that moment, a lifetime suddenly felt very short, and yet that moment felt like an eternity for me.

My aunt had quite an arduous life. She suffered from meningitis when she was 3, and because of this she was left mentally disabled. So can you just imagine being an 8 year old trapped in a 66 year old body? Your body grows old with time but your brain doesn't. That's what my aunt and other special people on this planet have to go through. And from the deepest floor of my heart, I wish no one else would have to experience this anymore.

Whenever I talked to my aunt, I can see this person just wishing to be liberated away. 

And now she is free I guess.

Rest in Peace, Oucun.